Genealogy Chat

dont know what to do now i am gutted any body else had the same result help

Yes I did too but it may be that she's very shocked or like mine --as I'm so old--she was told that I'd never be allowed to make contact. She hadn't told her husband or her kids so it was a really big deal for her. However I managed to keep some contact with her through her sister and then 12 years later when her husband died we finally had proper contact. It was very very slow and I had to be extremely patient but it was all worth it in the end. Good luck.

Oh Stuart - I am so sad for you, really I am. As Shannette says, probably a big shock for her and perhaps she too had hidden your existence from her present family. Give her some time - she will be thinking about it I have no doubt - do you know a third party who maybe could intervene on your behalf?

Ann X

bless you but dont give up like everyone said she may need bit of time and hopefully when she has had a think about things she will want to see you leave the door open and that way you can always say you tried your best hope it all goes well for you

Hi Stuart

Yes i had the same reaction from my birth mum about ten years ago but the group that i had gone through talked her into meeting me.It was a one of as she had not told her other 7 children of me.I found out through the death notices that she died two years ago,my only hope is that one of the other children start doing family research and register with genes.I was totally gutted at the time but now sit back and look at what i have,but must admit that there is still a huge hole there even with the loving parents that i have.Hopefully as the years go by she might have a change of heart.But in the mean time just be thankful of what you have.I also have a brother that was adopted but he has no desire to find his birth mother.He has admitted to me that he is to worried about a second rejection and does not think that he could handle it.

All my thoughts are with you.

Sue

Thank you all very much for your kind words and advice i am grateful to you all and will have a think as to what to do next.Many thanks stuart

You were brave and stuck your neck out contacting her. I am sure you spent many months, if not years preparing yourself to do so. As others have said, your mum would not have had that gentle run-up....... and I too think that over time things have a good chance of changing from her current decision.

I am not sure how old your mum is, but I do know that older generations were very much expected to 'gird their loins' after a loss/trauma and 'get on with life' and 'forget about it'. If you have spent 50 years doing that, I am sure it could be a huge huge shock to the system to have to 'un-do' all that and consider the past, as it collides with the present.

Please try not to take this first reaction of her as a firm rejection.............. though I can fully understand your 'guttedness'

Liz

Give her time to get used to the idea that you have found out who and where she is.

You will have stirred up a lot of things - probably very painful to her - which she had thought were over and done with, and it may also be that she has a family who would make life difficult for her if you were 'around'

I know of one sad case where a woman's husband divorced her because a child from a previous relationship made contact..............

So, to echo the other advice on here.....be patient.

Stuart, this is really sad and i am so sorry for you. No it has not happened to me but i will tell you my story.

My dad met a woman many yrs ago she moved in with us, i never liked her and always thought she was strange.
We never got to meet anyone in her family, she always made excuses when i asked where are they why dont they make contact ect. She said she had no children as she could not have kids.
Imagine my surprise when i typed in her surname on here and discovered she had 9 kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She lived with my dad for 15yrs. Never let on a thing.
Anyway having found this out i payed her a visit and asked do u know such and such all her childrens names....... her reply was NO i have never heard of them. I went mad and said how strange they know you, she still denied it.
Eventually she broke down after me going on at her. One of the daughters has now met her the others dont want to know.
Her excuse for giving up her children is her husband had a drink prob and she could not manage to feed her kids.......poor excuse if you ask me.
This lady is now a very lonely old woman living on her own.
I hope you find happiness i really do. Give it time.