Genealogy Chat

I have traced a birth marriage & death for a brother of my grandmother, he was given up at birth in 1921, no other family member knew of him, in my mothers generation at least.
He died in 2005, his wife is still living and she's 95!
There were no children of this marriage, he was 47 & she was 53 at the time.
A step-daughter registered his death, I've traced her back and she's 65yrs of age, living in Northampton, like her mother.

I would like to make contact, obviously through the step-daughter, I wouldn't dream of troubling an elderly lady with this.
I want to say that her step-father was my great uncle, I would like to know about his life, I believe he grew up in a Barnardos home, fill in a bit of history for her if she's interested (obviously not sure what he already knew, his father on his birth cert is not correct but he's definitely my chap) I would love to see a photo of him.
I'm wary as I wouldn't want her to think my intentions were anything other than honourable.

So my question is..............
Should I telephone or write?

Sam

I'd write.

If step-daughter is 65 - although that's still pretty young nowadays - it's not young-young is it and you might be a bit of a shock. At least a letter gives her a chance to read it through a few times and think about it.

Jill

I would write a letter rather than telephone.

If you call her she will be put "on the spot" and may be a bit unnerved. However if you write she will have time to read and digest what you have to say before having to make a response.

I would keep it simple at first - just say that yo have been doing your family history and that you think her step-father was your grandmother's brother.

You could enclose a very brief, skeleton family tree so she can see where her step-father fits into your family. Say that you only want to fill in the gaps in your tree and hopefully see a photo of this person. Include a stamped, addressed envelope and she might be more inclined to reply.

Kath. x

I would definitely write. It will give her time to think about her response, if indeed she wants to give one. You might not know what issues she has with the family. That said, I have done the same with 3 elderly members of my family who were well in their 80s, and they were all delighted to renew contact, and excited to tell me what bas%$&£ the errant family members were, which I had to accept as their view. I had a lovely day with each of them and learnt a lot - about them, too!

And I would definitely write, meaning don't shrink from doing it - cos you will never get a chance as good as this, and will regret it if you don't try. You sound to be a sensitive person, so if the step-daughter chooses not to respond, or responds in the negative, you will respect that.

Of course, the old lady might be suffering from dementia or related illness. As someone with experience of that, don't let that dissuade you from asking questions. You might need a bit of guidance, so as not to upset the person, but I have been surprised as to how much dementia sufferers remember compared with their other relatives, and how much they enjoy talking about them.

PM me if you need further help - and good luck with the letter.

Maggie

Thank you all, yes I will write, like you've said, a letter can be put down & picked back up, whereas a phone call might get a negative response.
I am assuming that the person I am related to knew nothing of his parents, siblings etc... and as you say the step-daughter might not necassarily be interested, but then she just might.
I'll give it a go
Many thanks
Sam

Hi Sam
I would certainly write. I spent months looking for the children of my mums half sister who went to Canada as a Home Child. Up to 1980 when my mum died there had been correspondence with one of the daughters and she kept the others informed,Any way after mum passed the contact was lost. Thanks to some very good leads and a very welcome help from a Canadian guy who did research for Home children descendants he gave me addresses and phone numbers.MY dilemma was should I write or could I just not wait the postal system ?? I phoned and two of them were really suspicious thinking I was some sort of con artist. The youngest daughter in her late sixties was suspicious but listened and the asked family questions and then accepted I wasnt trying to sell or con
I felt really bad that I had phoned the elder two sister who were in their late seventies and eighties.I had forgotten that my enthusiasm wasnt necessarily theirs. Any way some 8 years down the line all is well BUT I wish I had curbed myself and written first.
Shirley

All great advice, thank you so much for your thoughts, I'll let you know how I get on
Sam