Genealogy Chat

AS you all realise, times have changed. The stigma of being an unmarried mother 40 or 50 years ago is no longer the same. All through history there have been children born out of wedlock, we all know that. Most knew nothing about it. It is only in recent years that facilities have existed to find out ones birth family. Having not been adopted or anything suspicious found about my birth family, I am not in a position to comment. There will be situations where a birth mother (or father) is found, to great joy all round. But there will also be situations where the relationship is not welcome, and we have to respect and accept that.

Hope you are all lucky

Love

Maggie

I was just thinking, you came up with just the right word there, Donna - closure. I suppose I'm lucky in that I was adopted in the 1980s and even luckier that a) my parents never hid the fact from me and b) kept all the related paperwork. I know exactly where it is in the house and I can look at it any time I want.

But - looking back to how thing must have been before then (in the 1940s/50s/60s/70s) - I think what is tragic is that "the powers that be" probably thought they were doing the right thing for the children by practically forcing mothers who were unmarried (presumably this equated to "unsuitable parent" at the time) to give their children to "respectable" married couples, and then telling the birth mothers to forget it and move on.

The problem is, reading so many similiar messages, that times have moved on and changed and those children adopted then now want to find out about birth parents who thought they would never have to face what happened years ago, so I think it must cause a lot of difficulties for birth parents from that era, who - as Trish said - would have been ostracised just for being unmarried mothers and maybe who still feel as though they were "badly behaved" (by the standards of 50+ years ago) and don't want their friends of the same age to find out and judge them, but perhaps who have wondered for decades what happened to the child they had to give up. And what was "the right thing to do" by past standards might have really been a very wrong thing, long-term, for those involved.

It does get very complicated - even nearly 25 years ago, when I was on the way, I know my birth father was married to somebody else (maybe still is) and she was pregnant with what she thought to be his first biological child. It could be a huge shock if she ever found out about me - I'm 6 months older than that other baby. Could even be just the same with my mother - who knows?

Thats really good news Donna.......hope it all works out for all concerned..
.
Thanks for letting us all know.

Nicky

The lady I was searching for was adopted when she was 2yrs and the half sister of my friend.

I finally found her on Monday this week. They have been both emailing and swopping photos of their father in other family members. THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD.

The lady who was adopted said its brought closure for her and helped. Thats positive too.

Good Luck to them both.

It is so nice to see some of these positive success stories added into these threads.

I am still in the middle of my searches. I only started looking (as previously had no real urge) when i was diagnosed with a severe genetic condition.I searched for my parents and like Dave just knocked on both their doors and thought i had nothing to loose, and luckily i am building a relationship with them. Finding my birth mother and telling her i have this condition has helped her get treatment...which i have recently found out came just in time.
I also found out i had siblings who were aswell adopted and am currently trying to search for them, i know some things don't always end happily ever after but i am confident that at some point i will find them and have a complete picture and help everyone i can. I havn't regretted any of it, but i do know that patience is the key to searching, it took me 6 years to help one person and i will wait as long as it takes.

this is an all too familiar story,my birth mother who I am yet to find,was a catholic girl (I was baptised while still with her and found my baptism certificate)she livid in as a domestic help in a well to do house hold,got pregnant by whoever (no fathers name on birth certificate),moved out ,had me ,then I was adopted.If I do ever find her or family ,they too may not want contact but I will still try to find out,I can't help the feelings of needing closure and am sure others feel the same.

Me too.......Watery eyes while reading this thread......all i can say to all of you is don`t EVER give up, if the various postings on GR are anything to go by........


Good luck to ALL of you trying to find your birth parents.........



Nicky

Oh Dave, you had me in tears.

I am so glad it has turned out so well.

Maggie

My reply as usual is to be patient and not give up.My search ended 25 years ago now but even today I'm still adding to my contacts. At first my birth mum was the same but luckily her sister acted as go between for the next 12 years till her husband died and she finally felt able to tell my siblings about me.It's been a long slow frustrating journey but one I've never regretted taking. I have yet to meet my mum ---anyone know how to get an agoraphobic on a plane ?? ---but we keep in touch regularly. Good luck to her and all searchers.

Thankyou all so very much for your kind words and definate understanding of the situation.
She is a total stranger to me and the the fact I was looking for someone else who was adopted of the same name is certainly a coincidence. She is a little younger than the lady I wanted to contact ,but in her case her real family are searching for her after she was adopted. I hope that one day The lady on the phone also gets that phone call she is waiting for.

Such a delicate situation. I wished last night I had a magic wand and her family would appear. I'm sure they would like her. I did and I only spent half an hour talking to her.

She needs to be glad she met her, and try & leave it at that - many dont even get that chance.

She is able to picture her in he mind, again something many adoptees cant.

Nothing stops her finding out about her, and her family roots.

Its not an uncommon occurance- as has been said, these girls were promised confidentiality, and ddnt have choices but to move on. It doesn't mean her birth mother forgot she ever had her, probably quite the opposite.

Almost 50 years passed and suddenly this rears its head again - birth mother will probably be scared witless. She has kept it secret from her husband & parents - which must have been difficult. Can you imagine a husbands delight at birth of their first precious child...and mother hiding the fact that she has been there before, but in secret?

The best thing the adopted girl can do, is join an organisation for adoptees, where she can talk to people who are in the same situation and will understand and help her move on.

I contacted my birth mum by letter some years ago and she replied that she had met my dad at a dance, they had a whirlwind romance and he had gone back to sea - it was war time.
Despite sending letters to his parent's home she never heard from him again. (I found later that dad's family moved home at that time) Luckily for me she was able to give me his name and I am now in contact with that side of my family even though my dad died in the 70's.
My mum said that she had no choice but to give me up for adoption, she had since married and her family knew nothing about me, she wanted it to remain that way.
I spent a long time just sending birthday cards and Christmas cards signed 'your friend' and getting very little by way of reply, then I decided that neither she nor I were getting any younger (mum is 81) so I would try and make a proper contact. I HAD NOTHING MUCH TO LOOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN. I knocked on her door last Mother's Day with a bunch of flowers in my hand and when she opened the door I said who I was.
"You had better come in then" she said "It was a bit silly not seeing each other"
From that visit we are now very close. She still does not want me to meet her children and explained that when she married she had told her late husband about me.
"These things happen" he said "It is in the past now and we have a new life to make. "
My life now feels 'whole' there is no 'void' that many adopted people feel even though they may have had wonderful adoptive parents.
So my thoughts are that anyone in this situation should keep trying. Don't embarrass anyone but don't leave it too late
Dave

This is just one of the reasons why I refuse to give any help on here to anyone trying to find birth parent(s)


I'm probably about the same age as that woman's mother ...... and it was a huge disgrace in those days to become pregnant, even more so if you were supposed to be a "good" Catholic girl.

It was one of the things that made many of us scared stiff ....... get pregnant and be forced to marry the guy or hide away, give birth and give the baby up for adoption. Then push it to the back of your mind and hope never to be found.


I think the only advice you could give to this lady is to be proud of what she has accomplished, be proud of her adoptive parents who loved her and brought her up, and try to accept that her birth mother has no desire to be reunited with the first child she bore.

The chances of finding anything about her birth father would appear to be slim to non-existent..



I tend to think .......... yes, it's hard on the child who now feels rejected, but it must be equally hard for the woman who gave up the child for adoption and has no desire to kindle a relationship 50 years later. After all, the adoption papers that were signed in those days promised no disclosure ........... as far as any such mother knew no-one would ever be able to find out she had given birth. The files have been opened retroactively ...................... and many of the mothers did not want that.

........................ and what about the father who possibly/probably never even knew that he had sired a baby?



sylvia

Hi Donna, I suggest you tell this lady that despite her early problems, she has come a long way and is now a success in her own right. It doesn';t matter who her birth mother was (or father) it was her adoptive parents who were more important. Sad that they died too so young. I would encourage her to move on and upwards and forget the past.

Maggie

What a sad story Donna,one of hunndreds, ending in the same way.
It must be heartbreaking to be rejected after finding her birth mother.
I cant comment,because circumstances in that era, there was such a stigma attached to being an unmarried mother,no wonder there was so much hush hush.

Nowadays there is such a different outlook on this subject.

I dont have any ideas to give you, but hope someone on here can.

Trish
xx

I have just been told a really sad story and don't know what advice to give.
This lady who I don't really know only through this one phone call we have just had in respect of something totally different told me that she was born in 1959 and put up for adoption. She recently traced her mother and met her last year only to be told that her mother wanted nobody to find out that she had a baby at a young age and being from a strict catholic background had no choice but to give the baby up . Her parents still don't know and neither does her husband or her 6 children.
This first pregnacy was a total secret and she thought she would never be found.
So upsetting and the utter feeling of being alone this lady who was adopted must have felt. On her birth cert there is no fathers name and all her mother can tell her is that his name was Patrick born 1939 and working in the Isle of White in 1959.
How an earth could this lady find info on her father with only this to go on. No surname at all.Not even an occupation.
I couldn't help this lady in any way but to recommend she join genes and someone could point her in theright direction. May one of her half siblings will start to do their family tree and uncover their mother's past. I do hope so. Even sadder is the fact that she lost her adoptive parents when she was just 20.

I wish I could help.
This is probably really common ,but still hard on the children who were rejected. I just had to share this in the hope there is an answer.
Any ideas?