Genealogy Chat

I'm sure the Salvos would give advice on how to write the letter at least.

Ozi

... maybe the Salvation Army could help in such a delicate family matter. ...Valerie

I think there could be a problem with writing to a third party - you don't know what the relationship is like between them and the party you are interested in - they may not want that person to know intimate family details.

If you do write directly, as long as you word it tactfully, and perhaps enclose a stamped addressed envelope, they can either respond to you or ignore it.

A work colleague of my husband's lost his wife a couple of years ago and reached retirement age soon after. They were childless and his life had become very lonely. Out of the blue he had a letter from a woman who turned out to be a child from a brief relationship he had when quite young. He had never been told about her. He now not only has a daughter, but grandchildren too.

Hi Julie

I initially ignored your post as I didn't feel competent to advise, but now things have started to come to mind, so I hope my thoughts are useful.

First question is what do you hope to achieve? You say you want to know more about his parents, so is there a specific reason for this or just natural curiosity (which we all have, and is understandable - even more so in your case) about the kind of life they led, type of people they were?

Next question. Who were you going to write the letter to? His widow (if still alive)? One of his children? How old are they? Is your own mum/stepdad still alive and do they know what you know? How might it affect them?

Think about possible reactions from the family. They could range from "fantastic, we have a half sister we never knew about, let's have a party" to "so she was the one who caused our mum so much anguish was she?". They may think you are after a slice of his estate, though I'm sure you haven't even thought of that.

I would hope there wouldn't be nastiness as such, but shock and horror can cause an unpleasant reaction - again understandable.

I think it has to be a letter from a third party. And I don't think you should get it written today, but draft a few possibilities and think on them first. Perhaps an adoption agency could give you some gentle advice, even though you don't say you were adopted.

I recall a posting on here a year or more ago on the same subject and the suggestion was a letter along the lines of "I have been researching my family history (don't say "tree" it sounds mechanistic and unfeeling) and I believe that one of my relatives may have been the daughter of Joe Bloggs, your father, who died recently. I have found this out by simple searches of public records, and not by any devious means (my comment - a lot of people don't realise how much can be researched online and is in the public domain). The problem is that I am not 100% certain of my facts and do not know whether to impart this information to my relative without your permission. She does know that she wasn't brought up by her biological father, and has often expressed an interest in knowing who he was and more about his family. Now that I have this possible information, I am unsure as to what to do. I wonder if you could let me know if you are aware of her existence, and whether you would be comfortable in me telling her. If it will cause any upset to you or your family, then I assure you I will keep it private".

The person would have to give a bona-fide name so that the family could check their authenticity, but that need not be a genuine relative of yours, it could be a next door neighbour or even me! (though a reliable and pretty obscure relative would be better).

I'm semi with Annina in that I don't think you should do nothing. After all, YOU are important as well as his family, but tread carefully.

All the best, and let us know how you fare.

Margaret

Hi Julie, I have a half brother six mths older than me,who I didn't know existed until I was adult.

I have details of his birth,and dads marriage cert to his mother.

I would be over the moon if he got in touch,as I have been unable to trace his whereabouts,he is Belgian,so there is the language barrier to further complicate things.

I would say,go ahead,write a letter and see what happens,otherwise you will always regret not trying

I very concious of not hurting any one and as I am still coming to terms with his death I am not sure i could cope with any nastiness that may come about so the idea of a third party getting in touch maybe the solution.

thanks everyone

thank you for your help I will try to put together a letter soon and just hope that no one gets upset. Last thing I want

Fingers crossed

I am trying to find relatives of my natural father without upsetting anyone. I think I may have found his sibling and wondered about writting to him with out giving too much away of who I am as this may be a bit of a surprise as I am not sure if any of his family actually know I exist. My natural father died last year which I found out in the newspaper which was a bit of a shock. I have found details about his parents marriage and where they moved to after their marriage but would like to know more about them,

any way if any one can suggest a way of writting a letter please help

thanks