Genealogy Chat

I have just found out where my birth mother lives and is only 20 mins from me, I just wondering if any one could tell me which is the best way to broach this ? Thanks, Lucy

Hi Lucy,

Maybe write her a letter and in it give her your contact details. If you were adopted I think also point out to her that you don't care about the circumstances as to why you were adopted out just that you would like to met.

Try and organise a neutral place like a cafe close by.
Gai

It might be an idea to get a friend to help you , as a go-between, as you don't know what her reaction will be.? She may not have told anyone about you , or may have a new family.

Hi Lucy

If you go to the After Adoption website click into forum... there are many discussion boards for all aspects of adoption. There is one specifically for adopted persons and they will help you.

http://forums.afteradoption.org.uk/?section=000100010013

Good Luck

Thanks very much for your suggestions ,
Lucy

Good Luck Lucy I hope it all goes well for you.
Contact would be a great Christmas present
for you both. Irene

This may not be a popular reply, but it is a considered one...

tempting as it must be to make contact before Christmas, if your mother has children or family now, it may make it especially difficult to deal with telling them if they don't already know about you, and put added pressure on all of you.

My opinion only. it would be better to wait if you possibly can till after Christmas ...others may disagree, what ever you do best of luck to you.

This might not be popular either, but i am a birth mother longing for my daughter to make contact with me as the law isn't on my side so i cant do a thing about it. Every day that comes along i think will it be to day that she makes the contact. I could go on,but at the end of the day you have to do whats right for you. All i know if you were my daughter you would make my christmas.Good luck to you.x

Hi neverforget,

I hope that one day you get your wish

Chris xx

I'm a birth family member too and I long for my brother who was adopted at birth to change his mind about agreeing to contact with me.

I know where he lives, I have written and sent him birthday and Christmas cards but he ignores them.

Neverforget: Have you approached an adoption agency like After Adoption or NORCAP or placed your name on the Adoption Contact Register? The adoption agencies charge like wounded bulls and no guarantee that your daughter will agree to contact. An adopted person has the legal right to vito their adoption file. Good Luck with your search.

I was in a similar position 25 years ago and made contact through my uncle rather than directly.At the time my mum hadn't told her new family about me and was quite annoyed that I'd been able to find her as she'd been assured in the 1950s that this would never happen. To cut a long story short my only contact with her for the next 12 years was through another relative but eventually things improved and we now write and phone each other regularly.It was worth the wait and I'm glad that I considered the feelings of all the other people invoved too.Good luck x

I wonder if you should take advice on this. Even if your mother is pleased for you to have found her, and wants to meet, there must be many emotional issues that will need to be dealt with. I wouldn't try and do his without some form of counselling first. But then, that is what I ought to say - if I didn't have my "advisory" hat on, I would say go for it!!

Good luck

Meg

Some kind of counselling is good advice Meg and i do agree with you. As much as i would love my daughter to contact me i know it would be a very emotional time for all concerned.

So much good advice has been given to you,

I would say if you are adopted and haven't had sight of your adoption file, tread softly as you will be unaware of the circumstances of your birth.

You could ask someone to be a go between, then a letter could be written on the basis of doing Family History. giving your date of birth. place and birth name and asking if she has any knowledge of this person. Then if other people are there when the letter is opened it would give you birth mother chance to gather her emotions together.

I helped a friend in finding her birth mother, her Social Services file had been lost, so we used the tactics above. In doing so did not cause her any immediate problems, it turned out that her husband and child were not aware of my friends birth.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Julia
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