Genealogy Chat

Hi Pam, If you have a NEED to do this ..........then you WILL find the strength to go ahead. I am in my 50's too + have recently found the only person in the world who could have told me about my first year of life (my Birth Family Godmother)........... I know what you mean about feeling guilty etc BUT if you don't do it will you regret it for ever? So long as you accept that there may be a chance of rejection. Just GO WITH YOUR HEART. You will know what is the right thing to do. Take care Good luck Regards Ann

Hi Pam Just a thought. Have you got your full birth certificate... if not I would get it. There is slight chance your fathers name will be on it. Most children born in those circumstances only had short birth certificates which doesn't show parents names... (it was like that then) Cheers Gerry

Hello Gerry, Yes I got my full birth certificate many years ago. Was hoping it would tell me who he was as I didn't know anything at all then. Nothing, just a line where name of father should be. Was very disappointed at the time. I am very grateful to all who had added to this thread. Thank you again. Pam.

Hi I too was in a similar position. My mum and dad separated when I was five and I never saw my dad again. I thought it was my fault. I never asked questions when I was growing up as I was frightened I would loose my mum as well. In the 50's it was shameful for a wife to leave her husband for whatever reason. Throughout my life I always felt as if a piece was missing. I was bullied at school because I didn't have a dad. I felt abandoned by him My mum gave me a very loving, caring and safe childhood but there was always a doubt in the back of my mind. I would not destroy the relationship with my mum for anything. When my mum died in 1998 I found a piece of paper with the initial R and a date of birth along with the divorce papers. My friend who was a keen genealogist, pestered me to give her everything I knew and she would do my family tree. I relented but with a condition. If there was another family I would do nothing to upset them. The outcome was my dad had died however he had married again and had another daughter. I had two uncles and six cousins My dad's second wife did not want anything to do with me, so contact was not made. My friend persuaded me to contact an uncle through Traceline, which I did. I have never been so frightened in my life. Luckily he welcomed me with open arms and I was able to meet both uncles and have contact with my cousins. Through my uncle I finally met my sister. We now have a relationship which is very precious and I am able to find out about my dad. All I can say to you is do what you think is right and be brave. Regards Jackie

Your 50's are a strange age you suddenly seem to be aware of your own mortality and have a hankering to tidy up loose ends. Don't worry by 60 you are raring to go feeling young again!! But seriously, how about approaching one of the sons on, I hate to say it, but pretence of researching your family tree and seeing if there could be any connection. On a practical level are any of them members of GR or on Friends Reunited which would make it easier to contact. I have personal experience of using this method when searching for my Birth Family. After many weeks of e-mail chats it turned out the person I was speaking to had adopted children themselves, this gave me the confidence to say that every family has skeletons in the closet and just maybe I had information about theirs. To cut a long story short I confessed and provided the facts to prove it. I am delighted to say I was welcomed with open arms and now have a new extended family. I must say though, I was adopted by the most wonderful people who although sadly no longer alive will always be my Mum & Dad and who I could never thank enough. I knew from being a tot that I was adopted. However as an only child I always wondered if I had half brothers or sister. Whatever you do, trust your instincts I had all my details and my original Birth Certificate for over 10 years before I decide to search. Good luck.

Pam, What a refreshing attitude you have - caring about the other parties and realising that you could wreck their lives. Yes, you do have a right to know who your father was and about him, but the big dilemma is the rights of the other children, do you tell them or not? Once they are told, for them there is no going back. It's a 50/50 chance and no-one has a crystal ball. Had this happen to two cousins. Younger boy has welcomed half brother with open arms, but older boy feels the knowledge has wrecked his life and robbed him of his precious memories of his Mum, who was no longer here to explain her side of the story. This happened over 15 years ago, so time has not healed the feelings of the older boy, who still says he wishes he could put the clock back and remain in ignorance. Jay

nudged for Debbie

Hello again. After much thought and deliberations I have decided not to contact my half brothers as I feel it would be far too devastating for them. If our paths are meant to cross then perhaps they will. I have found out that they are a very close, religious family and finding out about me would be awful for them. So, life goes on and I will always wonder and dream of what could have been but have a lovely family and we will get on with our lives. Thank you all so very much for adding your comments to this thread. Reading them all has helped a great deal. Thank you too for all the private messages I have received regarding this subject. So many people in similar situations. Putting it in writing is almost therapeutic! It has helped me so very much. Have a very Happy Christmas and best wishes for the New Year to you all. Pam.

Pam, Do you mind me asking whether your father already married when you were born? Is that why you are worried about contacting them? Surely, if they are religious they are taught about forgiveness? (for their father)

Hello Lesley, Yes he was married with 3 children. The youngest is eight years older than me (I am 50). All with grown up families too. Too much of a shock I think for them all. Regards Pam.

Hi Only just seen this thread. My Dad's cousin found out about 15 years ago he had a sister (he was about 63 at the time). Bit complicated but it was a full sister younger than him - his parents had seperated . (but obviously got together again without anyone knowing!) She was adopted. He was over the moon that she found him - no bad feelings about it all. The birth parents had both died but my Gran - their Aunt was still alive - aged about 85. Wasn't sure that she believed it all. In this day and age some people are more open to skeltons in the cupboard!! Penny

Nudge for Nichola.

Nudge for Pinky.

Pam, your courage is to be admired - putting everything and everyone before yourself in this ' need to know' situation. Somethings in life was can do , some we cant or decide we wont - coming to terms with that decision is possibly harder than taking the other route and doing it. An inspiration. ann x

Hi Pam I found out last November via this website that I had a 53 year old brother that I knew nothing about,nor did the rest of my family. (except of course my mum) It sure was a cat among the pidgeons BUT we are all grown ups and life is life. We are delighted to have him in our family and last weekend he and my mother met. Im not saying it will be easy or that it will be successful you may well be rejected so as jess said you have to be prepared for that but you are all adults,its not like little children are going to be suddenly hurt or dissillusioned so I say think carefully about how you do it but go for it. Perhaps write a letter and leave the ball in their court,hes a grown man Im sure he will cope. Regards Tania

ory Tania- that is a daft thing to say - you have no idea how he'll 'cope' that is exactly the reason people should stop, think, and then think again. ann x

Anne I added my independant view which is what was asked for. of course someone should think about what they do but having just been through a similar situation, all of the parties agreed that as adults it was up to us to take it or leave it and as adults who are well aware that life sometimes throws up curly situations we did indeed 'cope.' My point being that 58 year old siblings are probably not as fragile as elderly ladies who gave birth and are hiding the fact from there husbands and children. He may well be annoyed or upset that his father cheated on his mother but he may also be perfectly ok with it and happy to meet his sibling,she will never know unless she trys,and unfortunately it is a risk because no one knows the outcome. The only thing I would be wary of is if his mother is still alive. Regards Tania

Pam You have said that they are a very religious family. Why don't you approach their Priest/Vicar (whatever) and ask him if he would be willing to act as an intermediary? He would probably know which of the brothers best to approach. Most religions preach forgiveness and understanding and after their initial shock, your siblings may feel that blood ties are more important than moral considerations. I tend to agree with Tania here - we are talking about middle-aged people (sorry!) who know the ways of the world, and if their parents are dead, then any damage is limited. That doesnt sound right - I don't think you should be inflicting damage at all, but what I mean is, it will be a shock but doesnt have to change thier lives if they don't want it to, whereas if it was your FATHER you were wanting contact with, then that COULD wreck lives. I have put this very badly and I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Put a very tentative feeler out, through a third party, and see what happens. OC

Thanks for even more views. It really does help. I know where they are. I don't think it fair to contact them. I am happy with my life. I have a lovely family who will support me in whatever I decide. I have decided, for the time being anyway, not to contact them. Not sure if I have already said this but I have found where he is buried and it says 'simply the best' on the plaque. When I read this I felt great sadness. They all must have idolised their father. I don't feel I have the right to upset three families just for my own benefit. If our paths cross one day then who knows. I hope reading this thread has helped Pinky. Thanks again. Pam.

Hi Pam, Why not try getting an intermediary to make contact for you? Someone like your local social services or the Post Adoption Centre? They can also provide you with advice or support should you need it. Good luck, its never an easy decision to make. kind regards sue