Genealogy Chat

It really saddens me when I see so many people searching for either thier birth parents or birth families. I am extremely lucky I was not adopted. My dad was and this truly affected him through out his life (maybe because he was 6 yrs old at the time and knew his parents and brothers) I know that adoptions happen for all sorts of reasons, but it truly does upset me. My heart breaks for my own dad, and I would do anything in the world walk to the ends of the earth on hot coals to take his pain away (yes even after 69 years he's still in pain and still has questions that will never be answered) This makes me feel very bitter, not towards his siblings but towards his parents. No I dont know the reasons why, and yes there were family tradgedies AFTER dad was adopted. But not before so makes it all the more difficult to understand. I just thank god that my mum gave me such a loving upbringing that I have been able to bring both my sons up to be very loving caring young men.

i was extremely Lucky TO BE adopted - had i not been who knows? It couldnt have been any better than life has been. its 50/50 there must have been something that provoked it, especially at the age of 6. maybe not a tragedy - why doesnt he get his file? it may answer some of his questions

hes not well Jessie and not sure whether it was a private adoption (mysteries surround the whole adoption) not sure whether SS had anything to do with the adoption and him being poorly think he wouldnt be able to cope with any upset at the mo.

I share your feelings. I'm also adopted and my parents have always been honest about it - I've never not known. (In fact, we always say that my sister and I have two birthdays each - our real ones and the dates our parents brought us home.) I saw a programme about a year ago about people who had been born to unmarried mothers in the 50s and had then been adopted and it was really sad to see that some of them found their mothers, only to hear 'We don't want to know you - you're part of my past, not my present'. Maybe it's the only way the mothers could cope with parting from their children but that coloured my views on looking for my birth parents. My parents have always told me I could look for my birth parents if I wanted to, but because they've always been so honest about it, I really don't have any interest in it. If I'd only found out now maybe I would, but I've always known where my paperwork is at home and to me that tells me everything I need to know (except my time of birth, strangely). We had some paperwork come through the post about a year ago about how adopted children now have the right to be told, and my mum observed that - for those children, teenagers and young adults who have never been told they were adopted - that's going to come as a huge shock.

makes me wonder what your children think of the fact you were both adopted (or future children if you havnt had any yet) Maybe its because im so protective towards my dad that I have these feelings, or maybe its because he felt as though thye'd got rid of him cus he was a bad kid and his adoptive parents he felt as tho he was an unwanted dog. I think im feeling protective over my dad.

Its a conecpt that means nothing until a child is in their teens really. My mother blurted it to my nephew ,aged 6 some time ago - well, the fact that she isnt his 'real grandma'- Confused the little chap no end - my brother has no desire to find out the answer to the question that young G now asks ''well, who is then?'' jess

My Mum was raped in '49 and brought me home to live with her parents and six siblings in a 2 up 2 down terrace! When she became pregnant three years later she thought it would be best to have him adopted. I found out about him a few years ago and last year I asked Mum if she wanted to look for him - her reply was 'No, I couldn't bear to find out that I had given him up to have a better life and his life had been terrible.' I think a lot of other Mums would feel the same. In my case I found out my father (who was an American soldier and had asked his CO's permission to marry my mother after my birth - you had to do the right thing in those days although my mother declined) had died when I was 16, he had married and had 3 children - I couldn't think what good would come out of contacting them and possibly destroying their memories of their father, what I did do was go to the States and visit his and his parents graves, drive down the street he grew up and and visited the Historical Society - brilliant experience! I must admit the hankering was there to go into the shop my step-brother runs and see if we looked alike but I didn't. My pearl of wisdom to all adoptees/illegitimates would be 'assume the best was wished for you and live up to that wish'.

Good thought. I haven't got any children but I'm not sure what (or if) I would tell them if I had any. I was adopted through the Catholic Children's Rescue Society, and from what I can gather my birth parents were together, then split up. He married, then he and my birth mother got back together and I happened, but a month after my birth his wife had a baby. I have no idea if he ever told her - after all, is there ever a right time to tell your pregnant wife you've just had a child with an ex-girlfriend? I don't think my birth mother would have wanted me to grow up in that potentially rocky atmosphere. (And this is in the mid 1980s.) I think perhaps I would tell my children (theoretical ones) but if they asked why I hadn't traced my birth parents, I think that would be a good point to explain about the ins and outs of adoption, and that it's a decision an adopted person has to make for themselves. I don't personally wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't been adopted, because I know I was really wanted by my adoptive parents. They were both youngest children of old-ish parents so to be honest, my sister and I have always been made quite a fuss of (on my dad's side I have thirteen cousins but only one is female).

This is what I mean truly heartbreaking adoption stories :(((( this is what upsets me. Yes I know and I undertstand the reasons when a really young girl gives up a child for adoption (my heart hurts for them) and all the other stories. I can understand and it upsets me. What I cant understand is when the child is in a supposedly stable family ie: mum and dad that are married to each other, have kids then gives one up for adoption. I was being a bit over emotional yesterday and I really do appologize xxxxxxxx Of course I do have sympathy for my Nanna as well as bitterness (as I said rollercoaster) As no matter what I could never give my children up no matter what the circumstances (and believe me I didnt have such an easy time when I had my 2 boys lol) Sorry again didnt want to upset anyone xxxxxx

Angela I am so sorry for you and all the others who are hurting. We cannot know what went on in the minds of those who gave their children up for adoption, and apart from the obvious reason of illegitimacy, there are also other factors, which we can know nothing of. When I was a mum, at the school gates, lol, I got friendly with another mum who was also pregnant. She already had two children. Our babies were due at the same time, I appeared at the school gates with my new baby, she did not. I assumed that her baby had died (she looked terrible) and asked someone. I was told that she had given the baby up for adoption - he was the result of an affair, and her husband had said that she must 'get rid of him' or he was off. He was a good father to the other two children, who adored him, and she felt that she was the one who should be punished, not her husband and children. I watched this woman go almost insane over the next few months and my heart bled for her. Then she suddenly appeared, all radiant smiles, with the baby in a buggy - she had decided to keep the child and her husband was in - grudging - agreement. I have often wondered about her and that baby - did things work out? Or did the husband 'have it in for' the boy in some subtle way? Did the boy grow up wishing he had been adopted? Women make silly mistakes, always have done, always will. Sometimes there are no cut and dried ways of undoing their mistakes - someone always suffers. Quite often it is the child. OC

I am an adoptee and i am now in my 40's but still find it hard to come to terms with being adopted. Who do i look like and who do i take after and the lack of medical records especially in my case as my child has suffered due to the lack of them. I cant say that i am glad i was adopted as i am not; i wouldnt wish adoption on any child. Most adoptees' want to know who their real parents are and where they came from. We need these facts so we can move on in our lives. Sandy

Hi All, I do not think that I am Mr Average but being in an uncanny - almost identical situtation to Rona and just reading Kathy by the Sea's message, I would dearly love to find, even in my twilight years (although not quite there yet) that I had other siblings. Time does not break that link . Paul

I was researching a family for someone and learned that the mother informed her son that his father had died during the war..she had married again. It was only after she died that he started to find out more about his father...............he had been alive all the time until a a year or so before the son learned about him....also he had passed the street where his father lived on many occasions when in that town...... Some sad stories around

I was adopted but I found out by accident, just after my sixteen birthday. I did ask though (when I was 8) but my mum said no, your not. But then I found my adoption papers in a draw. It felt like being hit by a 40 ton wagon, my life had been a lie. the only people in your life you could trust - your parents had lied, it has taken me a lot of years to trust people again. But what about my birth Mum. I don't blame her for the adoption, she had her reasons for that and my grandma wasn't able to bring me up, but now I am still trying to find my mum, I would love her to meet her Grandchildren as they are the light of my life. I myself have adopted a girl, and in the six years she has been with me I never kept anything from her. My mum may not what to find me, my reasons for looking is not because of my adoptive parents, I just want for her to be apart of my family again. Lucy x

I wasn't adopted but I know that there is a half-brother out there somewhere. Same father but different mother. I feel that sometimes I want to get in touch with him but don't know if it will cause a lot of problems for him. He might or might not know about his father's previous family. He might have been put up for adoption, I don't know. It makes me sad at times. Sue

''i wouldnt wish adoption on any child'' Flip side of that is, I am glad i was adopted , my birth mother couldn't have given me half what my Mum and dad have (and i dont mean material thing either) There are many many chldren even today, that would thrive with other than the parents they are born to. Children of drug addicts and alcoholics deserve parents that can offer them so much more than their birth parents. ---------------------------------------------------- '' As no matter what I could never give my children up no matter what the circumstances'' Times change,100's of mother no doubt thought that.it was taken out of their hands in many cases Sorry , it just the way I feel

My Aunt (92) only spoke of her daughter after she was widowed last year. But talking carefully to her, I realised that she had hidden the secret for so long, she neither grieved for the child nor regretted that the family had pressed her to have her child adopted (in 1948). It had been buried for so long, so sad. I joined GR to try and trace my cousin (no luck) but wonder if I should try to rake up the past - it wasn't my place to, I decided.