Genealogy Chat

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Hi i am helping my grandads wife research her adopted family. With thanks to people on here i have managed to find out that her step father passed away and am just awaiting confirmation from a very distant family member that her mother has passed away. When they were alive they had a child which would be Vals half brother who now lives in Lincolnshire. I have traced down an address and telephone number and was thinking of writing to him as it has been left in my hands by Val to do it all for her which is fine and she understands that i could be the barer of bad news. If i write to him what do i say? i don't want to jump in full bore with the whole story that his mother slept with a lorry driver behind his dads back etc etc. Should i just write asking if his parents names are Mr a and Mrs a? and put a stamped addressed envelope in it? Would be grateful of your thoughts. Thanks Jen

Definitely best not to launch right into it. Its a good idea to ask a few general questions first and say who you are writing on behalf of and perhaps give your phone number for them to call - or Vals - as he might feel better talking to her about things. But yes stick to a few bare details at first to establish a contact and include a stamped self address envelope definitely! Good luck. Alex

I would think very carefully about doing anything.............you don't even know for certain that the person whose details you have is the one your relative is seeking........... Reg

Hi Reg. I have managed to get Vals mums marriage certifiacte and everything so that i can double check all of the information in which i am given. I know where she moved to etc and ave not released any of this information to my informant until they have told me so am now thinking that it is definatly the same person that we are talking about. Do you not think it is worth a letter just to say hi could these of possibly been your parents and give him what details i have and see if i get a reply? Your opinion does count to me Reg as you have helped me out quite a few times. Thanks Jen

I appreciate the compliment..........but I'm not sure how much help I can be. I would agree with Alex's response about writing in very general terms, at first, anyway. Perhaps a note to say that you've received info that he may be the son of some long-lost freinds/relatives - quote their names, and, as you suggest, enclose SAE. Also give your e-mail details.........some people are happier to make contact that way, as it seems less personal.. I hope you get the response for which you are hoping..........keep us posted, if you would Good luck Reg

I'd think really carefully before giving a total stranger my address. You could give an email or even a phone number-They're are both easy to get changed if you encounter problems -Its a bit harder to move house-Not that you probably would to that scale anyway-But be reallly careful!

I have been down this avenue many times and you really do have to be careful. You cannot guess or assume that this person is a relative. It is not your right to inform him of any family information and if the person is still alive it is even more vital that you do not pass on information that others have given you in confidence. Family History is one thing but making contact with such information is not on in my opion. Take extra care. I will PM you. Margaret N

You could add a brief copy of your family tree, but nothing with too much detail

I once had to write a letter like this... I said that I was researching my family tree and think that he/she might be related in some way.Added my phone number also my address. Also suggested that they might be able to help me in my quest. Get thier interest! ;-) Good luck.

The other side of the coin is that it can be very upsetting to suddenly get a letter out of the blue, when you think you know all your relations. It would immediately ring alarm bells me, if it didn't make it perfectly clear that it did NOT relate directly to my parents. I would certainly suspect something nasty lurking in the woodshed. I would be fine if the letter made it quite clear that it was a more distant connection, but if I thought that either of my parents had actually had another child that I had never known about, I would not cope very well at all. And once the seeds have been sown, the clock can't be put back. I would have to live the rest of my life with that knowledge, suspicion - when I would far rather have remained in ignorance. (I wouldn't be shocked on moral grounds, but I would feel totally betrayed that they hadn't prepared me, and of course they wouldn't be able to justify their actions to me.) I appreciate how desperately some people want to know, but I also feel very strongly for those who would rather not know. Trouble is, you have no way of telling - that is the huge dilemma. Jay

The other other side of the coin is that maybe they always knew about having a sister but just didn't know how to get in touch or how to locate them. I think the best thing to do is to start off gently, only ask if they are the son of the people you are enquiring about and explain that you are researching the family tree and that someone gave you their details. Definitely give them a phone number so that if they want to contact you they can. That is the first step. If they then do come back to you either by phone or by post - or indeed by email, you can then talk about other family information and build up to what you want to talk about - this can kind of test the water as to what they already know and how they feel generally about finding out family information. It is a very private subject and yes, some people will clam up and get upset about a situation like that, but I think most people would be glad to be able to meet half siblings after the initial shock. I think it needs a softly softly approach and you just need to start off with the bare minimum of information to establish a contact. At the end of the day if they dont reply to you full stop, it means they just aren't interested period. Alex

Janet, I can understand where you are coming from, but. I had the experience of finding out my Mum had a child who know one knew about. It did come as a shock and as you said nothing can prepare you for all the emotions etc. My mum had her reasons for how she dealt with it but in no way do I blame her for not telling us. If anything I admire her even more now than I did before. I also think had I never found out it would have been very sad. I would have wanted to know and I am very grateful to the person who found out by accident that I have a wonderful brother. I think a letter as someone has already said would be a good idea. Not giving a;ll the facts but enough to enquire. The person can then make the next move.

Although you have been given permission by your relative, to act on her behalf, I think in this case you should discuss with her exactly how she would like to proceed, if at all, in regards to contacting her sibling.

I recieved a phone call several years ago and it turned out to be my half-sister (same mother). Yes, the information caused a lot of heartache and shock . But it helped answer a lot of questions about my mother and her family My mother went her grave without ever telling us about the daughter she put up for adoption.

It needs very sensitive handling, because it goes one of two ways. It happened to two of my cousins. The younger boy just laughed, has regular contact with his older half-brother and has been to N America for visits. The older boy was devastated and is still upset, even after about 14 years. All he says is 'I wish I didn't know. It's taken away my memories of my Mum'. 2 very different reactions within the same family. The 2 brothers are not particulary close, but the elder one is about 8 years older and had a very close relationship with his Mum - Dad was in the army and away a lot. The younger one was closer to his Dad. I'm pleased for both the younger one and the half-brother, but sad for the elder one. As I've said, it goes either way - successful reunions are great, but the same piece of news can also cause devastation to someone else. if only we had a crystal ball. Jay