Genealogy Chat

a close friend of mine has just found out that a mutual friend of ours is her sister. see below in a mo love linda x x

my friend kate ( name changed for obvious reasons ) always knew she was adopted and has been trying to trace her birth mother. with the help of the adoption services and social services etc.. she has found out who her mother is. the mother only lives about 2 miles away from her and she has found out that she now has an OLDER sister. her mother never married and the older sister has lived with her mother till she got married about 15 years ago. the older sister not only lives about 500 yards away from her but is one of our closest friends. all our children go to school together. the olders sister is i am sure unaware of kate, as she has always told me her mother had her and wasnt married and brought her up as an unmarried mother. she has told me how her mother struggled with her family as they disowned her and she left the town that she came from. now kate is in a turmoil she doesnt know what to do. should she contact the mother and speak to her. does she tell her friend that they are sisters? she has even asked me if i would speak to our mutual friend for her but i dont know what i should do any ideas any help ? thanks linda x x

Hi Lindy What a tough one. Myself I dont think I could talk to the older friend on the younger friends behalf. I would though, offer to be there when she talks to your older friend just incase one or both need you. Maybe it would be better for your younger friend to contact the mother first and see if the older sister knows about her. If not it would give the mother a chance to explain to the older daughter. Your friend has been lucky in one way. She has managed to find out about her family without either side realising who she is. A lot of adopted people dont know what they are getting into when making contact with their birth family at least your friend will have a good idea. All I would say to you is to offer to be there for .While the younger sister has had a chance to get used to this the older one hasn't and this is going to be a shock to her. I hope everything works out for them all Good Luck

Linda I can only say from reading your message that I would not say anything to the Sister (mutual friend) the initial contact has to come from her. I think she needs to check all her facts & maybe write to the mother first and see where that takes her. Georgina.

thanks for that. i know i wouldnt be able to approach the older sister ( jane ) because i have a close friendship with her. i was even there when she had her baby 10 years ago as her husband was in the army and was away at the time. but i feel i am keeping something away from her. i feel a little deceitful. kate has called me this morning and has said she has picked the phone up about 10 times last night to speak to her mother. ths is a lady she has met at different childrens birthday parties and knows her as janes mum . she cant understand why she has an older sister . she could understand if she was the older sister and had been given up for adoption and then her mum had another child later on . her adoptive parents are both dead. this is why she has started looking for her birth mother. i have offered to be ther for her when ever but i cant stop thinking about jane i feel so disloyal. we are supposed to be going round to janes for a world cup barbeque on saturday - all of us - with our children. what a mess love linda x x

I don't think you can be regarded as disloyal in this instance. The information does not ''belong'' to you, and although it looks overwhelmingly likely to you, you (personally) cannot be as certain as ''Kate'' about the relationships - so you shouldn't be passing on information of such sensitivity, without certainty to back it up. Speculation could have no place in this sort of context. I've never been in any part of such a situtation (as far as I know!), but the recommendations above, to contact the mother first, do seem to be sensible. It would allow the mother to make a move to limit the hurt/confusion her unknowing daughter might feel. That's how it looks to me, anyway. Christine

i think i will give the barbeque a miss . i will feign sickness i cant put myself between these two. i hope kate gets in touch with her mother soon and then she will know where to go from there. she really wants to but at the same time is very afraid. i think she is afraid of being rejected . of finding out she doesnt like the truth and how to let jane know about it. when she told me she was looking for her birth mother i was so pleased for her and supported her. i still want to do that. if jane gets to find out about kate she will be devasted. jane is a real family girl. having been brought up with just he mum she is very close to her and with her husband being in the army and oftern away her family are her life. i hope if she finds out about kate then once the shock has settled down that she can cope with whatever the truth is and that they can have some sort of relationship. they are already friends i hope that doesnt change. love linda x x ps kate has sent me a text saying she is going to call me later on today with some news !!

hi i just thoughti would let you know how i went on at the weekend . i didnt go to the barbeque i was abit of a coward but said it was just to hot for me . however kate came round on sunday morning and told me she had been to see her birth mum . there were lots of tears as to be expected. it was quite a shock for her mother because she knew kate. she told kate that she had got pregnant with jane by a young boy - they were both only 17 and her family disowned her and she moved to live with her older sister . she gave birth to jane and her parents eventually came round and asked her to move back home. she did but she met up with the young boy and got pregnant again. she didnt dare tell her parents and she said she had the opportunity to work a way for a while and her mum offered to look after her baby. she went to live in london and had kate and gave her up for adoption. she went back home and told her parents the job hadnt worked out . the father of jane and kate didnt know kate existed and unfortunately he died in a coach crash in spain about 10 years ago they are both meeting jane today to tell her the truth i am going to look after their kids for them . i hope it all goes well the strange thing is all our kids call us aunty but with jane and kate they really will be aunty. love linda x x

What a string of co-incidences must have led 'Kate' to be living so close to her birth mum & sister AND to know them & be friends with them !! I hope it all works out for them & you - as you all have a good basis of friendship I think you have a good chance once all the questions & tears are done with. Good luck Sarah :-)

hiya, am so pleased that things have turned out ok, fingers crossed it wont hinder any relationship, and you can all stay the best of friends, Good luck!!! Julie

Linda your story just proves what a small world we live in, I hope it all works out. Georgina.