Genealogy Chat

JB Perhaps you could message the tree owner and say something like: I see you have Fred Bloggs in your tree. My mother Ellen Snodgrass worked with a Fred Bloggs in Tin Town in 1968 and I am wondering if this is the same man? Is it possible for you to ask him if he remembers Ellen Snodgrass? This will immediately alert HIM, but only him, and its then up to him whether he makes contact or not, without doing any damage to his present family. His daughter may be suspicious if she is already suspicious,(which may work to your advantage) but if she isnt, then no harm done. Good luck - and do keep us all posted, so often we nosey ones never hear the end of the story!!! Olde Crone

Thanks for all the thoughts guys - I suppose I'm wavering about what to do for the best and I don't want it to become the excuse for not doing anything! Its a bit tricky as firstly, the country where he is from, marriage is viewed very traditionally so for instance, if my grandparents are alive, they probably wouldn't be too keen on recognising me, whereas my older siblings were born within his first marriage. Plus my mum always had the idea that he had another child in Ireland somewhere so it is possible that my old siblings have an idea that there are a couple of us out there!! From my own side,I did feel quite strongly that it should be him I contact first and then its his decision, but it looks like I'll have to go through this lady as its my only lead apart from a website of a company abroad that it looks like he might have been a director of but now retired. On the other hand, he might not even know i exist as my mum wrote to him abroad but didn't know if he received the letter or if it was still his address. Tricky all around and it only prayed on my mind more now that I am getting married in a couple of months time and have my own child.

I'd follow the advice you've been given but as the daughter is older than you she may know about your existence or the existance, or chance of, siblings. It's a hard situation, I wish you luck. Let us know how you go. Toni

I have been in your position. It is difficult in that people and circumstances bring out different responses and outcomes to the same situation,ie a birth child finding a birth parent,and possibly half-siblings. No matter people say,their response will undoubtedly be biassed by their own experience or what they have witnessed happen to friends-their is no ideal formula-there will always an element of the unknown or gamble involved. Four years ago my dad told me i wasnt his-he told me a story,we had a laugh over a glass of red and he told me his name and his home town-which is more than what my mother told me.........which was nice . Within a week I was talking to my birth father on the phone.....there was a quiver in his voice,and his 80 year old mother was in the room,his father ,my grandfatherhad died 4 months prior......he said we could meet when he came back to his house in a few weeks. After a month or so he told me he fathered a daughter-4 years after me-told me her name,and her mothers name..... a week later I am speaking to her on the phone -she didnt even know his name but had known all her life that her dad wasnt biological........she was very chatty and chirpy-she wanted to see me but not him.....a month later another call-fine still- then a letter........I dont want contact with either of you,the shutters came down,and despite her mother being great ,she has stood by that. Four years on our father has died and still no contact. Every situation is different - some run away,some open their arms with joy,some are hesitant,some are downright cruel and nasty.....it can be a lottery.

Daughter may have put tree on here because a) she suspects she has another family already - maybe her father has dropped hints or even told her b) she is just interested in family history and has no idea I know from my own research that you can sometimes uncover things that neither you, nor any of your immediate relatives, had any idea about and it can be quite a shock. I would do as suggested, just send a contact saying 'I think we may have a connection in our tree' and ask if she could confirm some details. nell

If your father is still alive it might be a bit more difficult. As you say it should be his decision whether or not to tell them. In this case it might be better to say that the person in their tree (your father) used to be a family friend and you would like to contact him and would they pass on either a message or email address, so that he can contact you direct. Then you can ask him yourself whether his new family knows about his past. Hope it turns out well for you. I have just made contact with my father's half sister (my dad is dead and didn't know his father had married again after leaving his first family) and she was delighted that I had got in touch. However this wasn't through Genes and she is much older (in her seventies) and it all happened a long time ago which makes a difference I think. Kath. x

You think its best to come straight out and let her know it might be my father? Rather than just say looking for an old family friend or something and actually only tell him that I'm his daughter? I don't want to cause huge problems for his family - it should be his decision to tell them or not?

I would just contact her by message, and say something like 'I see that you have...........in your tree. I too have this person in my tree and think we may be quite close relatives. Would you be willing to let me view your tree to confirm this. If you would like to see my tree please get in touch.' That way it is up to her. You won't have said exactly what the relationship is, but I'm sure if she is a member of Genes, she will be interested in any family, otherwise why would she be doing her family tree? Kath. x

I've never met my real father and have a stepfather who is my 'dad' so not looking for any commitment, just interested and don't want to leave it too late and regret not finding him. I've found people on genes reunited that have someone in their tree of the right age, the right name (including middle name), and the right birthplace abroad (small town). It is also tallys with what I know about him having had a daughter and a son in the UK that are much older than me (no affairs or anything) - and it looks like the daughter is the owner of the tree on here. Thing is, how on earth do I go about a) contacting him without causing any upset to the daughter and family b) confirming it is him without getting the daughter suspicious. I mean, the fact that she's put a tree up here must mean she's interested in who she might be related to??? I just don't know where to start - I thought finding him would be the difficult bit, and then I could just write a letter explaining but infact, its the other way round! Any ideas most welcome.