Genealogy Chat

Julie - No I don't think it's a miserable message, I think you are giving me very practical and helpful advice! I'm lucky to have a very supportive partner, and if I do make contact and find this person is my father, then I will tell my mum. I'm not looking for any kind of relationship with this man - at the end of the day my mum has always done her best for me, has always been there for me, and I appreciate her more than she will ever know - so my father will always be a stranger to me. I'm just curious to know who he is, what he's like, even what he looks like (I've never seen a photograph of him and I'm fascinated to know if I look anything like him!!) If it turns out he doesn't want to know me, then fair enough - at least I will know I tried. I won't lose anything by my not knowing him...after all you can't lose something you didn't ever have to start with :o) Thank you everyone for your support and kind words...when I've plucked up courage to put pen to paper I will let you know what happens Sarah

The fact that he desperately wanted to see you and tried to snatch you seems to suggest that he would be delighted to hear from you. However if you do make contact be aware of the emotional tormoil it will cause to you, even if you think you are prepared for anything it'll still hit you. I hope you have someone to talk everything through with - especially if you are keeping your actions from your mother (guilt has a habit of creeping in too). You may also find that you don't like the father you meet or that you struggle to find things in common and it can be hard to keep in contact. What a miserable message I'm giving here - but I know you have to find him as there's a piece missing from your life that has to be found so that you can move on with your life. Good Luck

Good Luck Sarah, please let us know what happens. Maggy

Hi Sarah, I just wanted to say good luck in your search. Your e mail really touched me and wherever your Father is i'm sure he would be very proud and pleased to know about the consideration and thought you have shown before contacting him. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out well for you Anna x

Julie - I have had no contact with any of his family, although I do know that he wanted contact when I was young. My mum, for her own reasons, wouldn't allow this...I gather at some point he tried to snatch me as a baby and she took out a restraining order or something similar. I don't hold any grudge with my mum - I appreciate she must have had her reasons - but as a result she cut all ties with any of his side of the family. The person I have found appears to be correct, but without contact I won't know for certain (I've done what searches I can to make sure he is still alive, and as yet I've found no record of a marriage or a death for him...doesn't mean its not there, I just haven't found anything.) I do understand what you mean about the shock factor...thats what I'm trying to avoid if possible, but chances are as soon as I put my name on a letter, if he's the right one he's going to know who I am! mandy - yes please, I would love to see a copy of your letter - it will hopefully help me compose something non-threatening. My email is martiniqueen68 at hotmail Thank you everyone for your help Sarah

Hi Sarah If you'd like to email me direct with your email address, I'll send you a copy of the letter which I sent to somebody else a few days ago. It was written on my behalf by a trained and experienced adoption counsellor. Look forward to hearing from you, best wishes, Mandy :)

I would suggest a go-between makes contact with him first if possible. Chances are the shock of receiving a letter out of the blue will induce an I don't want to know attitude. Have you researched to see whether it is your father and what his situation is now. He may have a family who knows nothing about his previous relationships which could cause a lot of problems. Do you have a granny or uncle or aunts on his side of the family. It may be worth contacting them first to see the lie of the land. It may be that he or his family have been desperate to see you but had been prevented from doing so for a multitude of reasons. I suggest delaying sending a letter for the minute and seeing what you can find out and who else you could contact first.

I think I may have found my father (many thanks to Nesta for looking at the electoral register for me) and I want to write to him, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I wasn't adopted, but haven't had any contact for 35 yrs, (I was only a few months old when my mum left the area with me!) so I'm worried about stirring things up. I did see another thread on here about adoptees writing to birth parents, but I can't find it. I haven't spoken to my mum about this...although she knows I am researching my tree and is happy for me to do so, I accept that the reasons she had for leaving my father were pretty major, so don't want to say anything about him at this stage. Of course the person I want to write to may turn out to be no connection at all, so if anyone has any tips how I might word my initial contact it would help me enormously. Thanks Sarah