Genealogy Chat

It took me a long time to find my birth mother (I'm 57 years old) but thanks to Joan Allen at My Folks I,ve finally got there. I have a telephone number and an address which is half an hours drive from where I live. I've seen her house and I know that her husband died last year. Unfortunately she doesn't want to know me so my questions are should I push it by letter? should I phone direct? should I try to contact sibblins? what should I say? I'm not too worried about a close relationship though it would be nice, I really want family history more than anything. I don't want to upset her but it has got very frustrating having got this far. Dave Bland ..................................................................................... Thank you all for your replys, sorry I wasn't so clear but Joan did send letters and phoned as an intermediary. I think the concensus of opinion is that I should write a letter and that's what I shall do. I hope that the next message I post will be one of success. Dave Bland

Don't give up Paul. She might be feeling a little embarresed but, when she realises you are determind I am sure she will come round. Do what your heart tells you. I expect she is losing out if you have given her grandchildren. Wish I was your mum.

Paul, Firstly, if you haven't spoken on the phone or by letter how do you know she doesn't want to know ? I'd say a letter would be the best approach... but I'd also say, that no matter how hard it is for you, that you should respect her wishes if she says no. regards Paul

Do try contacting her by letter as that gives her time to think rather than being put on the spot by telephone. Tell her you will respect her wishes if she doesn't want direct contact but hope that she will help you in your research, and you may find after thinking about it she will! Good luck. Linda

Think I would echo everything Linda said - write to her and make it plain that you won't push a relationship if that is not what she wants, but ask for her help with research - and make sure that she knows how to contact you if she changes her mind. Maybe you could also put in an open letter to any siblings that, hopefully, she would pass on - they after all would be adults, and entitled to make up their own minds?? Really hope it works out for you. Maggie

The chances are that if contacted she'd be shocked, panic stricken and worried so her first reaction is that she doesn't want to know. She needs re-assurance and someone should act as a go-between initially. Don't involve her children as this could really put the cat among the pigeons especially if they have no knowledge of you and she'd be less inclined to talk to you. Sometimes its very painful to remember the past especially if they've blocked it out and made a new life for themselves. I made contact quite by accident with a lady who hadn't seen her children for 40 years and who had made it clear she didn't want to know. I promised to check some addresses for one of the children and the first door I knocked at (never in a million years expecting it to be right one) turned out to be the correct one. After a lot of talking she agreed to phone her daughter in Australia and since then there's been a reconciliation not only with her daughter but she's now in contact with her own siblings too. Promises had to be made not to disrupt her life as none of her friends know she isn't an only child and has had children. We promised to be discreet because there's no point in destroying someones life at this late stage.

She hasn't been that helpful with info though as she can't remember which is a great pity.

Hi Dave, I agree with what Julie has said, your mother is probably in shock, for the past 57 years she has got on with her life, and now as she is in her 70's her past has caught up with her there is a big possability that her children know nothing of you, and that she is scared, having kept all this secret, so i do not think it would be right to approach them, however, could you pass a letter on to her, via an inter-mediate and explain that you will be able to accept her decision to have no contact with you, but could she supply you with some information regarding your family history. She may be prepared to do this if the contact is not direct, and who knows with a bit of time, may be able to exchange letters with you on a regular basis....i know this may not be what you hoped for, but it is a start and it may give her a chance to ge over her initial shock, and consider the possability of contact a little more. I wish you the very best of luck Sheila

I've been in your position.I found my family 18 years ago before the internet made it easier,and at first my mum wanted no contact between us as she hadn't told her husband or children. I was lucky that an aunt acted as an intermediary for many years so that we could both have news and photos of each other indirectly.It broke my heart but I waited and waited and when her husband died 4 years ago my aunt made another plea on my behalf and slowly she started to write and ring me and I was allowed contact with my brother and sisters,The only sad part for me is that they all live in Australia and New Zealand but really my only message is never ever give up hope.I'm 53 now and still dream of the day when I can meet her.

HI PAUL, I HAVE JUST READ YOUR SAD STORY I TOO FOUND A FAMILY MEMBER AFTER A VERY LONG TIME I MADE THE MISTAKE OF PHONING AS I WAS JUST SO EXCITED AT FINDING HER OH! WHAT A MISTAKE I MADE SHE MADE IT CLEAR SHE DID NOT WANT TO KNOW ME SO AFTER I PHONED I WROTE A LETTER TELLING HER I WAS SO SORRY FOR INTRUDING IN HER LIFE AND JUST A FEW THINGS ABOUT MY LIFE I SENT IT OFF 4 WEEKS AGO AND HAVE NOT HAD A REPLY YET BUT I AM HOPING THAT ONCE SHE READS THE LETTER AND MULL THINGS OVER SHE MAY WANT TO CONTACT ME BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE NOT I JUST HAVE TO LEAVE IT TO HER BUT I WOULD WRITE HER FIRST AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS GOOOOOOOD LUCK I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU TAKE CARE ,ISABEL

Hi Paul, In September last year I finally traced my husbands birth mother. He had been given up by her 48 years ago. When she first heard that Tony was looking for her, her reaction was that she had closed that chapter a long time ago, and didn't want to know. She said she was pleased he was ok, but that it was it. 6 weeks later Tony was knocked off his motorbike. Luckily he only sustained a broken leg. We had been in contact with one of Tony's half sisters (who had been brought up by their mother) so I sent her an email to let her know what had happened and she told their mother. Despite his mothers early comments that she didn't want to know, hearing that he had been injured (and that it could have been much worse) seemed to shake her and her immediate reaction was to offer to come and see him in hospital - a journey of nearly 400 miles. Tony declined the offer as he didn't think it was the most appropriate time to meet up for the first time, but it did open up the door for them to start to talk! Do not give up. I believe that we all have a right to know where we come from. The longer your mother sits and thinks hopefully she will realise this and get in touch. Tony's first letter to his mum was very touching. Like you, he didn't (and still doesn't to a large degree) want a mother nd son relationship. He wanted to know why he had been given up, who his father was and just to hear about her and the family. He wrote this down in such a nice unthreatening way. He said how he didn't want to cause any upset, or to interfere in anyway with her life now. He talked about his life and our children. He also added that he would like to know about the family medical history, as he had never been able to answer those questions about inherited illness one is frequently asked! His mother tried to put pen to paper to reply and gave up and phoned instead saying that she didn't know where to start. Their first call lasted nearly two hours. Recently communication has virtually stopped. Tony has been affected more than he realised by his reunion with his mother (mainly as he doesn't feel she has been entirely truthful with him). So be warned. Tony wouldn't turn back the clock though and would recommend the course that he took. He now knows a little about his father, some family medical history and most importantly knows about his mother and why she gave him up. Good luck. Eleanor xx

Paul, What does Joan recommend? She usually has good advice on these matters. I think she might say you should use some sort of mediator to contact her - perhaps one of your siblings as you mention. Crista