Genealogy Chat

My husband always knew that he was adopted, he knew who his birth mother was but he had never met her. Two years ago after we had moved to England his adopted mother passed away. His birth mother contacted the family (two sisters and a brother) and asked if she could see them. My husband was not sure what his feelings were but the other three children all contacted and saw their birth mother, one even lived on the farm with her for a year. This year we decided that we were going to South Africa for a holiday and that while we were there we would visit his birth mother. My husband deliberated long and hard over this decision but after speaking to his sisters said he wanted to meet her. I started to build up a family tree using genesconnected, and went back as far as 1800 on his birth mother's side of the family, we planned on taking it to South Africa as a present.We leave for South Africa in 12 days time. This morning he received a phone call from his sister in South Africa to say that his birth mother passed away last night. It is hard to mourn someone that you have never met, but the feelings I myself have are strange to say the least, I cannot imagine how my husband now feels. All the questions that were going to be asked, all the answers that he hoped for, just to meet her finally ..........

Tracy That is very sad for your husband and for you too. and there is a moral there. But he had to be sure of his feelings and I am sure his birth Mother knew that. At least he has the family tree you have done as some comfort. I do hope that you still enjoy your holiday though and go to see where she lived. Ann Glos

My sympathy to you and your husband, I hope he will feel closer to his birth mother when he visits S.A. Hazel

Tracy, So sorry to hear your news. My ex-husband was adopted and I recently asked his permission to try to find his birth-mother ( now deceased) and siblings on BMD so I can do a family tree for our children. He asked for time to think about it and eventually came back to me with a negative reply. I respected his wishes and will take it no further, even though I have enough information to build a rudimentary tree and conduct a search for his relatives. The title of your message also brings back to me feelings I had when my dad passed away....................If you have a mum or dad still living, tell them you love them whenever you can. I didn't tell my dad until it was too late. No amount of visits to the cemetary can make up for those three words. Pam

My first husband was adopted and unfortunately died age 33. He wasn't particularly bothered about locating his birth family then but his two sons would like to know where their actual roots are. For all we know his mother may have passed away - if not she is a great grandmother and doesn't know it. It would be nice to have that little bit of history that both my boys feel would fill the gap but when I have tried to trace the family I have a negative response. Unfortunately all I have to go is the adoption certificate and I know the family lived in the same town. Mary Brooke

Dear Tracy, We were so sorry to hear your news. My husband was in care throughout his childhood and has never met any of his birth family. He had a several points in his life made very vague attempts to find out more but had always given up before he'd got anywhere. I was very conscious of time limitations and had to nudge him to let me try to find out more for him. Eventually he agreed and we are now in the happy posistion that he is finally in contact with his birth mother (aged 71), an uncle and one half sister. I was so relieved when I learned that his mother was alive as I would have hated to have found out so much but to have then left him with so many unanswered questions. Although your news is sad, I hope it encourages other people who are contemplating similar searches to accept that sadly time waits for no man. If you want to know you have to get on with it and hope that the outcome is a good one. I hope that you can both still enjoy your holiday and as suggested in an earlier message perhaps visit where she lived and get a feel for her. Eleanor x