General Chat

I bought my wife a sheepdog fur bra for her birthday.
“Will that keep my boobs warm” she said.
No, I replied, but it will round them up and point them in the right direction”

A wife texted her husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen”.
Her husband texted back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it”.
The wife texted back five minutes later: “Computer not working at all now”.



A farmer was trying hard to fill out an extensive and complicated railway company claim form for a cow that had been killed on the track.
Finally he came to the very last item: “Disposition of the carcass”.
After puzzling over the question for some time he wrote: “Kind and gentle”.

There was a painter named Gordon who was very interested in saving a penny or two where he could, so he often thinned down his emulsion paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Gordon put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding, setting up the planks, buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Gordon was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Gordon clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Gordon was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh God, oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Ann :-D :-D :-D

Bob :-D :-D :-D

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother?
Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?”
A voice booms from the sky, "Alright already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

I don't get it. :-(













ps, I like the joke though. Ann :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D

A refuse collector in Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Chinese man.
“Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
'I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
“Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK.." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!