General Chat

i used to pray that i would find out i was adopted and that one day i would find my real mother, also i asked if i could go to boarding school but they wouldn't let me...

i just felt relief Sharron.. she was 86 when she died and finally stopped telling lies about me and demanding my attention.

I have never made any bones about the way I felt about my mother but, when she was alive, I always wondered if I would feel huge remorse after she died.

To my great relief, I felt none and was surprised not to grieve at all but, as somebody pointed out to me, I had spent my life grieving for what might, indeed should, have been.

Stella very moving. I can and have written in the past but find no words as yet can relay what I feel for the passing of Mother Dear. Sadly I discovered at the end that I loved her as much as I disliked her. Knowing that sends another set of feelings of remorse for what could have been, of remorse knowing that I didn´t break down and cry, of remorse for not celebrating as I thought I would have. Strange world of feelings that we live in.

Paula it is hard to understand a mother as some of us had, even I find it hard to believe the extent some will go to and the extent some people allow them to go to. (myself included). I think of myself as one of the lucky ones because she didn´t rule or ruin my whole life. Be thankful every day for a mother that you love and who loves you with no strings attached. <3

Stella that's so truly moving and clearly heart felt. Your Mother missed so much.

you may or may not know that i am a poet and i wrote this a few years ago..it is a true account ..

Narcissistic Mother

Bubbling blond beautiful curls
The envy of all other little girls
Mother didn’t like them so they went
Cropped so short her jealousy vent

Trusting toddler with lots of friends
Reaches out and love she sends
Mother didn’t like it, no friends allowed
Stay at home under her shroud

Timid schoolgirl frightened to have fun
Looking inward to home she would run
Mother made threats to tell dear dad
Of misbehaviour that I had been bad

Wayward teenager rebelled at last
Found new friends but felt outcast
Mother didn’t like it said she was ill
Vied for my attention lied at will

Lovely young woman left home at last
To get soon away she married too fast
Mother didn’t like it but put on her graces
She was good at that using pretending faces

Her first grandchild born she didn’t care
Didn’t want know when I tried to share
Mother didn’t like me being happy I guess
Any love for me became less and less

A few years on and three children born
He is cold and the marriage is torn
Mother says I am hard to my dismay
She wants me to be there every single day

All her demanding broke my heart
Then husband and I decided to part
Mother isn’t happy since father passed on
She has got worse since he has been gone

I thought that life was meant to be like this
Until she died and I gave her a last kiss
Then to my joy I was suddenly free
Narcissism died with her now I can be me!

©Stella Armour 2011-03-09

Uzzi having read quite a lot about Narcissistic Personality disorder I thank God for my lovely Mother.

Mother Dear !

Wisechild You must be going through a rough time at the moment, just focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you do what's right for you.

Stella I am so truly sorry, how very sad for you your granddaughter and great granddaughter. I am sure these people are not aware of the pain and misery their behaviour inflicts on others.

i would just like to add that my youngest daughter follows this trait with her daughter.. my granddaughter was so unhappy that she came to live with me for a few months but was then bribed back home.. my punishment for taking her in was that i have not been allowed to see my grandson for 4 years now and also my granddaughter has been banned along with her baby..my great grandson.

I don't think my son realised before they were married, but if he did he never let on to me that there was anything wrong. On the surface they seemed like the perfect couple. She is an only child, having said that so is my son so that's not an excuse., but she was also very spoiled by her parents and still is to this day. When he first met her we welcomed her into our home and treated like out own daughter. He absolutely adored her and I guess it was a case of love is blind. I paid for almost all of their (very expensive wedding) and gave them the deposit to buy their home. I did this willingly as I thought that they would be together forever. When on reflection I realised that she never actually thanked me for anything I ever did. Two years after they got married my husband passed away, it was then that she totally cut me out of their lives, and made it difficult for my son to come to see me, eg: phoning within minutes of him arriving at my house demanding for him to go back. Deleting my phone messages on their home phone before he had a chance to pick them up. They brought an holiday home in Wales where they would go with her parents almost every weekend, I was not allowed to go there, when my son said he was going to ask me she said “Why would your Mother want to come here”.She could be extremely demanding of my son, only wanting to do what she wanted to do and only wanted her own parents. She was controlling and would be very spiteful for no reason. She became verbally and physically abusive towards him, so much so that her father told him he thought she needed some anger management counselling. At this stage son never once criticised her to me. He left her after they had been together for seven years, she met someone else and had a child from this relationship, this man also left her, she is making it almost impossible for the man to see his child. She has had several relationships all resulting in the man walking away from her. Her behaviour only started to come out bit by bit, my son said he did not want to worry or upset me. At the moment she and my son are still business partners but this is about to be dissolved. I honestly could write a book about her, but most of the time I choose to ignore her, all I know is we all want her out of her lives. As I said before I worry about her little boy he will be four this year, what sort of a role model she is going to be? My son is married again and my new DIL is absolutely beautiful, and loves him, that’s all I care about.

Paula.
I can see you have met my husband.
I should have realised, having had a narcissitic mother, but he put on a wonderful act until after we were married.
Considering divorce as we speak.

Out of interest Paula, because I always wondered, and so did others, how Fred got landed with it, did your son have any inkling of what she was like before they married?

I am sure people think they must be imagining it because their behaviour is so bizarre.

I have read it before Sharron. I am referring to my sons ex wife (soon to be ex business partner). She is bang on the button with each of these characteristics.

With you there Stella.

My mother was like it, of course i just thought she didn't like me ..it was years before i heard of this disorder and then it all fell into place, she was a horrible woman i tried for many years to make her happy but apparently i was never as good as other people's daughters so i gave up in the end.. her dying words to me were "I'm sorry".. that said it all, she knew what she was doing all along... i t wasn't until she died that i actually was allowed to be myself and i felt so free..

Have you read the article about NPD mothers Paula?

I certainly do!!! did !!

Do you know anyone like this? Oh yes I most certainly do.

An individual diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder needs to show at least 5 of the following criteria:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.