General Chat

Of course each to their own but I do think anyone who can give up their own job as they get older is very fortunate.

Things were different years ago - rightly or wrongly.

How is anyone expected to live on £61.35 carers allowance?

Isn't it odd how a thread about caring for parents, where someone who doesn't know you, but thinks they do, tells you how fortunate you are, and how things were different years ago? How do they know it was years ago, was it? I haven't said when it was, I haven't said I was getting older.

Maybe some folk shouldn't assume anything, especially when they are wrong.

Again to all those who care, or have cared for a parent, good on you :-)

I didn't get carers allowance Jax, I didn't ask for it, didn't know I could get it, until after my Mum had died. As for getting it when my Dad was abroad, I 'm sure the powers that be would have laughed if I had of asked for it :-)

DC....my story is very similar to yours.
I'm an only child,my dad had carried my mother who had rheumatoid arthritis
My dad died suddenly after a car accident ,I lived 90 miles away.I was living alone,just been made manager of a sales team with a lot of pressure.My daughter had a 2lb bab,then her partner died suddenly.
This happened in 1980.i had to sort out a lot of things as my dad did voluntary social work and he had pension books of theirs etc
My mother moaned about everything,couldn't get to shops...so we managed to get her a ground floor flat near her cousinof same age.
She was fine when I was with her,but used emotional blackmail when I left.
She then had manic depression.
I had 24 years of doing this journey,she did get some sort of life for most of it,but she did get difficult again towards the end
It wasn't fair on my 2nd husband I married in 1987,but bless him,he was very good with her.
She died in 2004 and I thought that we could have some time together,but in 2006 my husband had pulmonary fibrosis and we managed with him on oxygen,until the last 3years when I was housebound along with him,going out 2 hrs a week.
I've told my children that I want them to enjoy their lives and not come running after me....they seem to have taken it literally....but as long as I can be independent I will

I certainly think that if you haven't had it easy,you can cope better and I take these things that go wrong as a challenge and not a problem.

My OH never complained and he was on highest oxygen,diabetes,going blind and incontinent towards the end...would do it all again though if I had to!

I wouldn't say it was "lucky" or "fortunate" to give up a well paid job which offered the chance of later financial security to look after a parent.

It is a personal choice, not a 'right' or 'wrong' one. not even the most sensible one perhaps. I personally admire the people ( friends and family) I know who have made it, it has not been an easy option for them, but it was to them the only option they could live with.

My parents looked after my Gran - she lived with them from about the age of 65 when Granddad committed suicide. At first she was able to help with looking after my sisters, and me when I came along late as usual :-D, but a series of strokes took her speech and much of her mobility. At the time I was a young child and didn't realise how much of a burden it was for Mum and Dad, I'm sure it contributed to Dad's untimely death. Mum is still going strong at 90, on no medication and still quite mobile. She has recently moved into a flat nearby so that's less of a worry - hopefully she can retain her independence for some time yet.

I'M SCARED OF THE FUTURE IN A SELFISH WAY
MY OH LOOKS AFTER ME BUT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM
I KNOW MY DAUGHTER WOULD RUN A MILE SO'S NOT
TO CARE FOR ME AND MY SON CAN'T,,,BY THE WAY
MY MUM DIED AT 51 DAD AT 59,AND I'M SCARED REALLY AM

I do think a lot depends on circumstance and the relationship you have with your parents.

I looked after my mother until she died and am very pleased that I was able to do that.
Like Lynda I made a choice to give up work but I did have a husband who was willing to support me.
My children were both at crucial times in their education but it was at a time when grants were available so our parental contribution was not as great as it is today.
I also had a sister who could help sometimes but she was working.

What I would say though is that it is very different looking after someone who is frail physically but alert mentally compared with someone who has Alzheimers.
I helped my neighbour when she looked after her father with the latter and that was more difficult as he needed watched all the time.

My Mum at least could be left whilst I ran to the shops and until the last few months could be left at night. I lived about 30 miles away but if she needed immediate help her neighbours would step in until we could get there.
Mind you many a trip I made when she didn't answer the phone as she had turned the sound down and didn't hear it. Grrr

My parents had also looked after their parents and my grandparents had looked after my great grandmother so it didn't occur to me to do anything else.
I looked on it as the same decision I made to look after my children and didn't go out to work until they were youngest was at junior school.


Recently my SIL had a stroke and her two brothers made a decision to help look after her as she is alone and they took it in turns for quite a few months. One brother is retired but the other took time off work without pay to help with her care.
Luckily she recovered slowly.

I just hope I remain able enough to manage in my own home as long as possible.

If we all do what we think is right, and can live with that decision, then it is probably the right decision we made. :-D

Dizzi you are not selfish, if you you are just worried about what the future may bring.Hopefully your daughter will surprise you, if ever the need arises eh :-)

Years ago it was the normal thing to have nan or grandad live with you when they became frail or left alone,,the *front room* was allocated to them and the daughter or daughter in law just took the role of carer,(no benifits in those days) along with possibly a parttime job in the local shop,also cooking and cleaning for the family and maybe had 2/5 children at school.

I dont think many now have a parent liv with them as age sets in with all its ailments,,it could be down to space or their life style or needing to work,,,,,plus its easier to get them looked after in their own home by hopefully good carers or a place where they get 24 hour wellbeging care, not that given different circumstances they would only to happy to care for a parent in their home,


Me------I'd have sold my soul to the devil for my mother,but realise there could well be limits to what I was capable of doing the best for her welfare.......so ,yes, if need be I'd do it for the love I had for a parent but thats me and someone else just couldnt cope with the stress,

I am going in a home and I am going to have a riot
I am going to meet people in there from my past
and enjoy every minute I hope

I don't want my children spoiling their lives caring for me :-D :-D :-D

Thats just what I say Joy,

My family have their own lives and dont ever want them to change anything for me,,,,,,if I end up suffering from dementia related then I won't know any different if in a home,,,,,,if I become infirm,,,then I dont want my family having to put nappies on me.

If I just become unable to just cook for myself then in a home then I' d just hope they served good meals and have good social do's and a few good looking old fallas who had a double room ,,,,, ;-) ;-) :-D. :-D :-D :-D

YEAH Kay
I am gonna be a right pain in the bum
gonna wake the full home when I roll in from the night clubs

and failing everything else I could always commit a crime
and have it all cushy in jai

l but no way am I having my kids telling me
I cant do things because I am old :-D :-D

It was the best seven years I had with Fred.

I didn't have to put up with any more of his old buck and he lived in terror of me behaving like him, which I never did, the awkward old bugger!

I didn't much like what I was doing when he had his stroke so I was not very distressed about stopping.

Of course, his mate was was an absolute godsend and I can't thank him enough. It was teamwork keeping Fred on the streets and into mischief and, apart from the care that was paid for, just about all the help I had was from people I had known fifty years.It's a villagey thing I think, we do still live with a parent and not think it sad here.

Yes, every family's relationships and situations are different, so I limit myself to saying well done to anyone who finds a solution that works for everyone. What seems the right thing to do yourself, may not be the best for those that are cared for.

My hubby and I are both retired and getting older ourselves and trying to help hubby's elderly parents aged 80 and 93 who have mobility problems due to both having osteoporotic fractured spines. We have arranged for all kinds of aids in their home, arranged for someone to help MIL wash and dress, arranged for a fortnightly cleaner, transport to hospital appointments etc. They cancelled the person who helped wash and dress MIL after 2 visits because she came later than they like to get up, the cleaner was cancelled after the first visit because she changed their bed for them but didn't tuck the sheet corners in the way they do them. Even the hospital transport was cancelled when they had to wait once and they expected OH to drop everything and drive 30 odd miles to collect them because they don't like the people that drive the taxis!! They are so set in their ways, they don't even get a cup of tea (and nor do you) unless the clock is the right time for one. Everything has to be done their way and at their set times and they have no patience. If we do anything ourselves to help they stand over you, watch and direct you the whole time, no matter how often you suggest they go and sit down and rest. They won't countenance moving furniture around to make using their walkers safer indoors, they won't consider any changes to their garden to make it easier for OH to do it.

Their very regimented lifestyle is the total opposite to my free and easy one and it stresses and frustrates me that they unpick every bit of help we try to sort out for them.

If you have sweet, grateful, co-operative parents and you are a born nurse or carer it can be an easy decision for some, especially if you don't have a career or interest in one.

Someone I know gave up his job in his 50s to look after his mother who had dementia. He ended up a virtual recluse with no life of his own as he worried every time he left her at home. He felt it was his duty and refused to let her go in a home. Eventually she had a fall and did have to go in a home and seemed quite content there till she died. He'd always had plans of retiring to the seaside but by then in his late 60s he had mobility problems of his own and wasn't able to. Surely no parent would want their son to make that sacrifice.

Fred was leading a very regimented life before the stroke. When OH and I were both working all the time he would cook tea and, if it was faggots it was Tuesday.

He was forced to try new things that he would never have countenanced before, like travelling on the bus (How common my dear!) and was, I think, happier for it.

Yes, I was a bit reclusive because everything needed to be organized around his needs and I never thought I would find it so hard to go out without thinking. It is like seeing one of those chimps at Monkey World that have not been outside their cage for years.

We always went upstairs when he was in bed at night, at about 8 pm because he was in the front room. We still do, or else we sit in the kitchen and don't make a noise.

Generally, Fred was forced to dance to my tune, the one he had disapproved of for so many years and which had caused more rows than enough over the years and he found that he actually enjoyed my tune more.

Ann

That rings true in relation to my late father-in-law. He died last year, aged 98, and I'm sure he only made it to that age due to sheer stubbornness and pig-headedness!! He was in sheltered housing near us until the last few months when he needed full-time nursing in a (very nice) home. He was very fastidious and set in his ways - also could be extremely ungracious, which often upset his daughter. He was never very loving towards his family, I think he had an emotionally barren, lonely childhood, but his friends, and staff at the home, couldn't sing his praises loudly enough, how wonderful he was and how generous (he WAS, to them, but we saw a different side...)

One thing about him, though, he always insisted that he would never be a burden and live with any of us as he and OH's mum had housed and looked after their parents and he found it a great strain.

This relates to Dutch's thread in a way.

A few people expressed the opinion that younger generations could help out with being more amenable to putting themselves out rather than the parent/grandparent. Plus help by researching places to stay and prices which I think is absolutely fair and right.

Certainly not all children can or are able to offer proper care for a parent. I looked after my sister in her home until she passed away. She would have HATED her sons dealing with incontinence but they and my kids did help to change her. (Without batting an eyelid).

You do what you can, whether it is moving in, moving them in with you or arranging the best care affordable. Anything to make their life as comfortable as possible.

I have three children, one will find a nice home and take us for a drive on Sundays, my son would move us out to live near him and eldest would offer to move in with us.

All we would expect is for them to show some consideration which they do now due to my disabilities.

Sharron , having read you posts about Fred, I could see that you did what you did, because you felt it the right thing to do, that's how I felt about my Mum especially, we asked her to move in with us, she wanted to stay where she was, she wanted, and was able to maintain her independence. A home wasn't an option, she was very unwell not in need of just roof over her head.

I'm glad Fred enjoyed your tune later in life, bet you miss him, but what great memories you have of his antics :-D