General Chat

Tania, I feel proud of what I did for my parents aswell, not in a way of saying how wonderful I was, it's just knowing I did all I could, it is a very satisfying feeling isn't it :-)

You're doing a great job for your sister Jude :-)

You did good Sharron :-)

Paula, somehow i'm sure they know that :-)

Paula.....my husband feels the same way, he looked on my parents as his second chance of being a son .xx

Both my parents have now passed. I would loved have had the chance to look after them in their old age. <3 <3 <3

I have always wondered why people wash somebody who dies but thought I might understand if I went through it myself.

Not so.I had no desire to wash Fred and I still don't understand.

Having said that, I watched him leave, so to speak, and as far as I was concerned, Fred was gone. What the paramedics flung on the floor and worked on was the empty container that he had once been in.

It was surprisingly comfortable. His body was on the bed for three hours while I was at home alone waiting for the others to come back and the undertaker to come and it was just so normal. I didn't want to talk to him or do anything to him, just toget on with what needed doing but it was just so not spooky.

l'm doing what l can for my sister who has vascular dementia/altzheimers and its bloody hard. l'm about 5/10 mins drive from her which is handy incase of emergencies.
Some weeks l see her everyday, others once or twice. l often get upto 6 phone calls a day, some with her saying she wants to commit suicide. l try to get her out of the panic by talking about angels which she loves, that did work for a while but not now.

Off now to take her to the dentist.
jude

Dad had mesothelioma and died in his own room looking over a lake as he always declared he would
He Even had a surrounding deck put on to aid in his exit
He went into heart failure in the January of 2012 and he was frightened of his breathlessness
He died in the May
Mum could not cope so I stopped work and the kids and I moved in
My 2 sisters then took turns to fly in from Australia so we did a week each at a time
It was hard in some ways as I provided all the medical care for him drug administration drains etc but I know when my daughter sister and I watched him take his last breath he was pain free and comfortable
And sad as it was watching the undertaker wheel him across his deck I felt proud
He was washed and in his new pjs at home by my husband sister and I so all his grandchildren and great grandchildren got to see him while he was still warm and peaceful
It helped all of the kids come to terms with his death and they still talk about it now

There is a Clancy Brothers track that I quite fancy for my funeral. It's called "Isn't It Grand Boys (To Be Bloody Well Dead).

Maggie, I can just imagine the looks on faces as 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves' strikes up :-D

I haven't had to look after my parents.
Dad had lymphoma, discovered after over of 2 years, despite having his spleen removed over 7 years before, no-one had checked it for cancer. Rather than look for cancer, they were looking for HIV, as, years before, he had lived in Nigeria, and had had a Nigerian wife!

A Brain tumour soon developed, and this killed him within 3 months.

Mum would have wanted to live with/near to my sister, she/we were making arrangements for her to move to UK from Portugal permanently, but a reaction to the gout drugs she was taking led to her sudden death on 22 December 2012.

I just hope I go quickly. I don't want either of my children to have to look after me. I love them both, and my grandchildren, dearly, and we tell each other how much we love each other all the time. Just in case. :-D

I will have to change the songs to be played at my funeral, as, apart from '3 little birds' by Bob Marley (my choice), and 'Ding Dong the witch is dead' (their choice, aged 14 & 12), the other one was Rolf Harris, singing 'Stairway to Heaven' (cos they hated it). I may have to have the original, but it's far to 'moody', or find another song they hate.


I know - 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves' :-D

Sharron , having read you posts about Fred, I could see that you did what you did, because you felt it the right thing to do, that's how I felt about my Mum especially, we asked her to move in with us, she wanted to stay where she was, she wanted, and was able to maintain her independence. A home wasn't an option, she was very unwell not in need of just roof over her head.

I'm glad Fred enjoyed your tune later in life, bet you miss him, but what great memories you have of his antics :-D

This relates to Dutch's thread in a way.

A few people expressed the opinion that younger generations could help out with being more amenable to putting themselves out rather than the parent/grandparent. Plus help by researching places to stay and prices which I think is absolutely fair and right.

Certainly not all children can or are able to offer proper care for a parent. I looked after my sister in her home until she passed away. She would have HATED her sons dealing with incontinence but they and my kids did help to change her. (Without batting an eyelid).

You do what you can, whether it is moving in, moving them in with you or arranging the best care affordable. Anything to make their life as comfortable as possible.

I have three children, one will find a nice home and take us for a drive on Sundays, my son would move us out to live near him and eldest would offer to move in with us.

All we would expect is for them to show some consideration which they do now due to my disabilities.

Ann

That rings true in relation to my late father-in-law. He died last year, aged 98, and I'm sure he only made it to that age due to sheer stubbornness and pig-headedness!! He was in sheltered housing near us until the last few months when he needed full-time nursing in a (very nice) home. He was very fastidious and set in his ways - also could be extremely ungracious, which often upset his daughter. He was never very loving towards his family, I think he had an emotionally barren, lonely childhood, but his friends, and staff at the home, couldn't sing his praises loudly enough, how wonderful he was and how generous (he WAS, to them, but we saw a different side...)

One thing about him, though, he always insisted that he would never be a burden and live with any of us as he and OH's mum had housed and looked after their parents and he found it a great strain.

Fred was leading a very regimented life before the stroke. When OH and I were both working all the time he would cook tea and, if it was faggots it was Tuesday.

He was forced to try new things that he would never have countenanced before, like travelling on the bus (How common my dear!) and was, I think, happier for it.

Yes, I was a bit reclusive because everything needed to be organized around his needs and I never thought I would find it so hard to go out without thinking. It is like seeing one of those chimps at Monkey World that have not been outside their cage for years.

We always went upstairs when he was in bed at night, at about 8 pm because he was in the front room. We still do, or else we sit in the kitchen and don't make a noise.

Generally, Fred was forced to dance to my tune, the one he had disapproved of for so many years and which had caused more rows than enough over the years and he found that he actually enjoyed my tune more.

Yes, every family's relationships and situations are different, so I limit myself to saying well done to anyone who finds a solution that works for everyone. What seems the right thing to do yourself, may not be the best for those that are cared for.

My hubby and I are both retired and getting older ourselves and trying to help hubby's elderly parents aged 80 and 93 who have mobility problems due to both having osteoporotic fractured spines. We have arranged for all kinds of aids in their home, arranged for someone to help MIL wash and dress, arranged for a fortnightly cleaner, transport to hospital appointments etc. They cancelled the person who helped wash and dress MIL after 2 visits because she came later than they like to get up, the cleaner was cancelled after the first visit because she changed their bed for them but didn't tuck the sheet corners in the way they do them. Even the hospital transport was cancelled when they had to wait once and they expected OH to drop everything and drive 30 odd miles to collect them because they don't like the people that drive the taxis!! They are so set in their ways, they don't even get a cup of tea (and nor do you) unless the clock is the right time for one. Everything has to be done their way and at their set times and they have no patience. If we do anything ourselves to help they stand over you, watch and direct you the whole time, no matter how often you suggest they go and sit down and rest. They won't countenance moving furniture around to make using their walkers safer indoors, they won't consider any changes to their garden to make it easier for OH to do it.

Their very regimented lifestyle is the total opposite to my free and easy one and it stresses and frustrates me that they unpick every bit of help we try to sort out for them.

If you have sweet, grateful, co-operative parents and you are a born nurse or carer it can be an easy decision for some, especially if you don't have a career or interest in one.

Someone I know gave up his job in his 50s to look after his mother who had dementia. He ended up a virtual recluse with no life of his own as he worried every time he left her at home. He felt it was his duty and refused to let her go in a home. Eventually she had a fall and did have to go in a home and seemed quite content there till she died. He'd always had plans of retiring to the seaside but by then in his late 60s he had mobility problems of his own and wasn't able to. Surely no parent would want their son to make that sacrifice.

It was the best seven years I had with Fred.

I didn't have to put up with any more of his old buck and he lived in terror of me behaving like him, which I never did, the awkward old bugger!

I didn't much like what I was doing when he had his stroke so I was not very distressed about stopping.

Of course, his mate was was an absolute godsend and I can't thank him enough. It was teamwork keeping Fred on the streets and into mischief and, apart from the care that was paid for, just about all the help I had was from people I had known fifty years.It's a villagey thing I think, we do still live with a parent and not think it sad here.

YEAH Kay
I am gonna be a right pain in the bum
gonna wake the full home when I roll in from the night clubs

and failing everything else I could always commit a crime
and have it all cushy in jai

l but no way am I having my kids telling me
I cant do things because I am old :-D :-D

Thats just what I say Joy,

My family have their own lives and dont ever want them to change anything for me,,,,,,if I end up suffering from dementia related then I won't know any different if in a home,,,,,,if I become infirm,,,then I dont want my family having to put nappies on me.

If I just become unable to just cook for myself then in a home then I' d just hope they served good meals and have good social do's and a few good looking old fallas who had a double room ,,,,, ;-) ;-) :-D. :-D :-D :-D

I am going in a home and I am going to have a riot
I am going to meet people in there from my past
and enjoy every minute I hope

I don't want my children spoiling their lives caring for me :-D :-D :-D

Years ago it was the normal thing to have nan or grandad live with you when they became frail or left alone,,the *front room* was allocated to them and the daughter or daughter in law just took the role of carer,(no benifits in those days) along with possibly a parttime job in the local shop,also cooking and cleaning for the family and maybe had 2/5 children at school.

I dont think many now have a parent liv with them as age sets in with all its ailments,,it could be down to space or their life style or needing to work,,,,,plus its easier to get them looked after in their own home by hopefully good carers or a place where they get 24 hour wellbeging care, not that given different circumstances they would only to happy to care for a parent in their home,


Me------I'd have sold my soul to the devil for my mother,but realise there could well be limits to what I was capable of doing the best for her welfare.......so ,yes, if need be I'd do it for the love I had for a parent but thats me and someone else just couldnt cope with the stress,

If we all do what we think is right, and can live with that decision, then it is probably the right decision we made. :-D

Dizzi you are not selfish, if you you are just worried about what the future may bring.Hopefully your daughter will surprise you, if ever the need arises eh :-)