General Chat

I do think a lot depends on circumstance and the relationship you have with your parents.

I looked after my mother until she died and am very pleased that I was able to do that.
Like Lynda I made a choice to give up work but I did have a husband who was willing to support me.
My children were both at crucial times in their education but it was at a time when grants were available so our parental contribution was not as great as it is today.
I also had a sister who could help sometimes but she was working.

What I would say though is that it is very different looking after someone who is frail physically but alert mentally compared with someone who has Alzheimers.
I helped my neighbour when she looked after her father with the latter and that was more difficult as he needed watched all the time.

My Mum at least could be left whilst I ran to the shops and until the last few months could be left at night. I lived about 30 miles away but if she needed immediate help her neighbours would step in until we could get there.
Mind you many a trip I made when she didn't answer the phone as she had turned the sound down and didn't hear it. Grrr

My parents had also looked after their parents and my grandparents had looked after my great grandmother so it didn't occur to me to do anything else.
I looked on it as the same decision I made to look after my children and didn't go out to work until they were youngest was at junior school.


Recently my SIL had a stroke and her two brothers made a decision to help look after her as she is alone and they took it in turns for quite a few months. One brother is retired but the other took time off work without pay to help with her care.
Luckily she recovered slowly.

I just hope I remain able enough to manage in my own home as long as possible.

I'M SCARED OF THE FUTURE IN A SELFISH WAY
MY OH LOOKS AFTER ME BUT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM
I KNOW MY DAUGHTER WOULD RUN A MILE SO'S NOT
TO CARE FOR ME AND MY SON CAN'T,,,BY THE WAY
MY MUM DIED AT 51 DAD AT 59,AND I'M SCARED REALLY AM

My parents looked after my Gran - she lived with them from about the age of 65 when Granddad committed suicide. At first she was able to help with looking after my sisters, and me when I came along late as usual :-D, but a series of strokes took her speech and much of her mobility. At the time I was a young child and didn't realise how much of a burden it was for Mum and Dad, I'm sure it contributed to Dad's untimely death. Mum is still going strong at 90, on no medication and still quite mobile. She has recently moved into a flat nearby so that's less of a worry - hopefully she can retain her independence for some time yet.

I wouldn't say it was "lucky" or "fortunate" to give up a well paid job which offered the chance of later financial security to look after a parent.

It is a personal choice, not a 'right' or 'wrong' one. not even the most sensible one perhaps. I personally admire the people ( friends and family) I know who have made it, it has not been an easy option for them, but it was to them the only option they could live with.

DC....my story is very similar to yours.
I'm an only child,my dad had carried my mother who had rheumatoid arthritis
My dad died suddenly after a car accident ,I lived 90 miles away.I was living alone,just been made manager of a sales team with a lot of pressure.My daughter had a 2lb bab,then her partner died suddenly.
This happened in 1980.i had to sort out a lot of things as my dad did voluntary social work and he had pension books of theirs etc
My mother moaned about everything,couldn't get to shops...so we managed to get her a ground floor flat near her cousinof same age.
She was fine when I was with her,but used emotional blackmail when I left.
She then had manic depression.
I had 24 years of doing this journey,she did get some sort of life for most of it,but she did get difficult again towards the end
It wasn't fair on my 2nd husband I married in 1987,but bless him,he was very good with her.
She died in 2004 and I thought that we could have some time together,but in 2006 my husband had pulmonary fibrosis and we managed with him on oxygen,until the last 3years when I was housebound along with him,going out 2 hrs a week.
I've told my children that I want them to enjoy their lives and not come running after me....they seem to have taken it literally....but as long as I can be independent I will

I certainly think that if you haven't had it easy,you can cope better and I take these things that go wrong as a challenge and not a problem.

My OH never complained and he was on highest oxygen,diabetes,going blind and incontinent towards the end...would do it all again though if I had to!

I didn't get carers allowance Jax, I didn't ask for it, didn't know I could get it, until after my Mum had died. As for getting it when my Dad was abroad, I 'm sure the powers that be would have laughed if I had of asked for it :-)

Isn't it odd how a thread about caring for parents, where someone who doesn't know you, but thinks they do, tells you how fortunate you are, and how things were different years ago? How do they know it was years ago, was it? I haven't said when it was, I haven't said I was getting older.

Maybe some folk shouldn't assume anything, especially when they are wrong.

Again to all those who care, or have cared for a parent, good on you :-)

How is anyone expected to live on £61.35 carers allowance?

Of course each to their own but I do think anyone who can give up their own job as they get older is very fortunate.

Things were different years ago - rightly or wrongly.

Looks like I'm a one off then because I DID give up work, no job comes before my family. Each to there own, as I said before.

I'm not fortunate, I chose to do what I did,others may not, for whatever the reason, or circumstance, but I did and am happy I did so.

I think anyone who is fortunate enough to be able to give up work, even when they are older, is very lucky indeed.

For most it is more of a case of working around other responsibilities, be they a full time job (because giving up work is not even an option) or looking after a young family because that in itself is a full time job.

The job must come first if it is necessary to pay bills, mortgage etc.

Maybe it is a sad reflection of the times but years ago it was easier to "go without" through giving up work because we lived in a society that was not quite so materialistic or money centric (new car, new flatscreen television, holidays, etc etc).

Times were different way back but we may possibly look back through rose tinted specs too!

why not seriously? I don't think I have said anything re looking after, or not looking after, parents that could be taken as a joke or flippant in some way.

I can assure you I am not taking anything you have said personally Sirius or indeed, seriously.

Island you seem determined to take everything I say personally ? Don't know why, you asked me the question, I answered.

It's an individual choice, based on individual circumstances, there are those who can't for whatever reason. We all do the best as we see it.

Sirius, I did have parents myself. I would comment further but think Lyndas thread is going way off track.
If you would like me to delete, Lynda, I am happy to do so.

You don't have to feel guilty or think that any one is suggesting you should Island, no one mentioned guilt.

Each person does what they feel they have to, for the parent, themself and family sometimes because they 'want' to, sometimes because they feel 'duty bound'....neither is easy, not even when it is entirely ones choice to do it.

Carer's allowance Island ?

it is not the easiest choice in the world to give up a job or to move to somewhere you don't want to be to live with a parent, or have them to live with you, but I can name you 3 people off the top of my head in my circle of friends and family who have done just that...and yes it may well mean that in the end that person finds themself broke ( and possibly broken physically too) and facing ill health and old age themself with no one left to care.

I didn't say it was fun, I said that sometimes it is the only viable option.

I would have loved to have looked after mine in their later years but geography, my own health situation and mother made it a no go. Not necceassarily in that order :-D
I'm beggared if I am going to let anyone make me feel guilty though (not pointing fingers at anyone) :-)

We all have to do what we think best, and we all cope in different ways.

I gave up work, in fact I gave up my business, could I afford that? no not really, but we adjusted our needs, and our usual lifestyle to an extent, I felt it was right, and it was how it should be done.

I've done lots of things in life others wouldn't, I'm not knocking anyone who doesn't do what I did, I'm just telling my story, and just giving a bit of praise to those who do, or have l looked after parents :-D

and live on what Sirius?

It is not unkown for adult children to give up their jobs to be full time carers for elderly parents only for the parent to pass away shortly afterwards, leaving them with no income and often far from their own world.