General Chat

Sorry about this but I am just having a whinge.

How the hell long does it take to get yourself up to speed again?

I am getting so tired of not being able to get things done.The unavoidable stress is mostly gone and I am not unhappy but I just can't get things done yet and it is driving me potty.

At the end of January, the housing association put in a new kitchen, storage heaters,solar panels and a new hot water system. We stored a lot of things in the wet-room out of the way. The water heater has not worked properly for all the time it has been in, two months now, and the wet room is still full of stuff so we can't use the shower.

Things are going exactly as I want them to, apart from the hot water, and they would be going in the right direction if I could only get things done in one go. I am still having to do everything in little stages and now I am losing patience with myself. I wouldn't put up with it from anybody else!

So what do I do about it? I have carefully avoided turning to mother's little helpers although the doctor has made it clear that they are available to me. Would they get me motivated?

I know what I need to do, I want to do it but just can't make myself.

Somebody must have some good ideas before I get corns on my bum!

It seems that this has gone on for long enough now so perhaps it's time to consider accepting your doctor's prescription.

How about trying them out for a month and seeing if things improve?

I can fully understand your reluctance to turn to happy pills but in some cases this could be the best way forward

without my happy tablets I'd get nowhere :-D

I have to take them for the rest of my life and my GP says don't worry - it doesn't matter - I need them [clinical depression]

I was on Librium as a teenager while I was dealing with the mad woman on a daily basis and they just made me feel like I was dealing with her abuse from somewhere else.

Life really was grim then but it isn't now.

Things are improving greatly, I have been able to deal with the problems with the water heater and one or two other issues stemming from the work without panicking.

I think I am just impatient for it all to be over so I can get on with it.

I wouldn't take the happy pills myself , (not that anyone offered them lol) but then I avoid tablets generally so it's very much personal choice.

Your whole life has changed, it's a massive thing to go from being a carer to not being one...even aside from the emotional trauma, everything you do is changed, from the way you sleep to the reasons for getting up, and the routine of each day.

I'd give it a bit longer, and instead of trying ( well wanting) to get it all done, just write down one thing to do each day, even if it's a very small thing, and try and concentrate on what you have done rather than what you haven't.

:-)

Well we lost our BIL in dec he was cremated in jan at the same crem where our brother Alan was cremated on. 1st Oct. Not the same chapel as brother but they are all built on the same design

Alan's widow went to the funeral and sat with us and held my hand very tight and and broke down as the curtains closed .

She had being doing well before then and was kept busy getting things changed over to her name but going to the funeral really broke her up

She went to see her doctor about two weeks later as she really wasn't coping and he put her on a low dose of happy pills ! She is feeling much better now and getting things back to her normality and can talk about Alan without breaking down,

She sees the doc on a monthly basis and he says he will wean her off them after 3 months

Sometimes we just need a bit of help

You took care of Fred for such a long time that your normality is that bit further back so will take time to get you there .

If the water heater was fixed and you can move on with getting things in their place then that would help but don't try and do things asap. You need to accept you have your own pace at the moment

I do have days when I can do a lot more than on others. Ever the pragmatist, I usually cook enough food for several meals to cover the days I close down.

I know I will feel better once everything is put away in it's place but it would be lovely if I just could get it put back.

What with having had the hospital bed and equipment in the front room for so long, we decided to treat this refurbishment like moving house, replacing furniture with Fred's insurance money. (I had to spend it because it took us over the limit for housing benefits) and decorating.

No doubt spending money sent me on a downward spiral but I had to do it and I think I must be a bit overwhelmed.

Because everything is looking up I am not sure that I should be looking for a crutch to lean on but should just stop being so bloody impatient!

Five years on!

All the time I was longing for the stress to end (a good fifty years and more) I was expecting it to be like a curtain lifting.

It looks like I will be spending the rest of my life watching it roll away then.

I can't pretend it doesn't feel good to have it gone at last but it certainly is strange.

Stress and grief affect people in different ways. It is early days for daughter since her husband died (3 months) and she is like you in not being able to get 'her brain in gear' (her words). She is dealing with it by having as many things to go to outside the home as are offered, that is her way. It takes some people a lot longer than a year to achieve some sense of normality, as Island demonstrates. I would only take pills if you are happy to do so because otherwise they possibly won't make you feel better. Rose's suggestion is good, make a list of all the things you think you should be doing or want to do. Do one a day and then don't stress about any of the others not done. Then do something that you really enjoy doing, even if it is sitting and contemplating. Why are they not fixing your water heating system? Maybe it would help if they did.

You would not believe how many plumbers and electricians I have had in recently. It looks like every time OH goes out I have a man up the stairs.

There was a great deal of solder in the system after it was installed which has been blowing tap washers. That has entailed four visits from plumbers.

Electricians come and adjust the thermostat. It heats one tank and I have a bath.Then I need to call a plumber and an electrician again.

The engineer came from the heating company last week and I have had hot water for four days now so I may even put the preserving pan away.

Installing the storage heaters took away my long walls, the ones the long wardrobes were against.

I need one socket moved about two feet so I can get the wardrobe which is currently across the window against a wall but the only way you can contact the housing association is through the receptionists who tell me the association does not move sockets.

By a roundabout route I have finally managed to speak to a surveyor who has things moving and the socket is being moved on Tuesday after two months with a wardrobe across the window.

It is not a whim, it is a necessity brought about by them so I should not have to pay for it myself.

I think all this has sent me backwards really.

Island

"Stress isn't a lifestyle choice or something that can be cherry picked."

Ain't that the truth!

Sharron,

There is no time limit on the grieving process.

I cant help noticing that you speak alot about the practical things that need doing etc.,

Wondering if you need to think more about your emotional feelings and try to sort out why they seem to be 'clogging' your brain, so that you cannot get things done as you would like.
Have you considered seeing a counsellor, who would help you analyse these thoughts, as i know from experience it is not easy doing it yourself.

I am not against medication either, as as it seems you have nothing to lose by giving a go for a short period.

Positive thoughts for you Sharron, Sue <3 <3

I took a conselling course once, didn't finish that one, so I know what it is about and I have used some of the techniques I was introduced to.

Emotionally, I don't feel too bad.

It is just this being unable to get on with things that is getting to me.

I know that procrastination a symptom of clinical depression but have always felt that I was reacting to some very unfortunate circumstances rather than that I was ill.

I am wondering if it is my minds way of telling me that I am not ready to get started again and that I still need to give myself time to recover

If I take pills and get stuck in before it is the right time, will I be missing an important stage of recovery?

You are not alone, Sharron, and I find it very therapeutic to know that someone else is going through the same kind of feelings that I am.

I lost my husband 6 months ago after being a full-time caregiver for a number of years. I find that I can't force myself to do all of the things that I should be doing. Instead I vegetate. I worry and fret so much about these things that have to be done but just can't do it.

I'm hoping that with nice weather coming I will get out more, do some gardening, walking and maybe bicycling that will help to get me out of this rut.

Good luck to you, Sharron, and thanks for making me feel that I am not alone.

Sharron,you have had things done quickly compared with me
I waited fout years for a stairlift and bathroom made into a wet
Room the last 18 month was classed as any day not meaning
To have a moan at you ,
As for stress there's no answer to that this yesterday I visIted a
Friend who about 18 mn ago has a stroke in hi mid sixties he is paralised
all down left side,this
Was a very fit bloke who now spends all day lookinG Out of the window
When IM on a downer wich is often I look on his Facebook and try to decifer
The one word he has posted for the day,but I still fell stressed,
Not moanibg or against you just don't know rright wording,
Carry on girl carry on.

Thanks to you too Margee. Always here if you need me. Doesn't look like I will be doing much else.

Dizzie,we waited a long time for the wet room with Fred having to be washed with flannels, and that was a few years back before funding became even more tight. It will be worth the wait when you get it.

Unfortunately, we stowed everything in the wet room, pending the works being done because we would could do without the shower, there is always the bath.

The bath, however, has had little use because of the water heater being so unreliable. We really could have done with the shower,Goddammit!

Fred lost the use of his right side with his stroke and I was determined not to let him stay in looking out of the window.

Don't even think of what your mate can't do. Keep telling him what he can do and thinking of things to attempt.

Fred soon learned to write with his left hand when I invited a courier in to ask him to sign. I was upstairs and he had no proper speech. There was no escape! He managed something and we built on it with colouring and making marmalade.

The more he can achieve the more he will want to.

I am probably just miserable because I don't have a helpless old man to bully any more really!

Sharron - I'm not surprised - given that all those jobs haven't been finished or done correctly. Until you have your house back how can you really have your life back.

I also went on the happy pills, following one big thing after another (over about 6 months) which ended in OH saying something they shouldn't have!!! :-P Crying all the time and waiting for another thing to happen I accepted the happy pills which I regarded as a temporary crutch. Came off after 6 months - nothing else major had happened, except that OH didn't get any of it!!!

Sharron .not easy some days to get going .been there .when my Dad was ill .he had altziemers i helped to look after him .he went from very healthy fit man to a shadow of himself .didnt even now who i was ..he was in a wheelchair ..I have Thought Back how he helped me taught me to drive & i am in Scotland Dad always said i would live here from lancs .life throws a lot at us all. dont worry to much ...just a footnote not much to a lot of people my westie died 4weeks today .i was heartbroke .didnt eat for a week couldnt sleep .just sat on my chair lost interest in everything sad but i am ok .have a photo of her & say thanks for the little pal i had for 14yrs .one task & one day at a time .take time to be yourself again .Think forward & be positive spring is here & lighter nights Good luck Best wishes Barbra

WELL i havent been what you have been through but time is getting to me and I find I have the wants to do but not the inclination .

I tell myself I NEED to get my arse in gear cos things NEED doing . Still need to paint the new banister and uprights the carpenter put in 2 months ago when the stairlift for hubby was installed . Done the knotty bits with the knot primer but havent done anything else

I look at it and think must get on and do it , got the undercoat primer and the glass paper to sand down before the top coat BUT still cant get myself motivated to get it done

I had every intention of getting the bathroom floor sanded and varnished when the bathroom suite went in about five years ago. Took the bathroom door off to make it all easier.

Well, it's still off and the floor still needs sanding!

I did get the front room floor done and we have decorated that room.

Poor Barbra. It was such a shame to lose your dog.

My cat is old and very clingy which is another excuse for doing nothing else but cuddle him.

I tend to replace my pets very quickly. Just like I did with Fred, I keep their lives as full as possible and give them all the attention they want when they are alive so I feel that their end is more a completion than a loss, which is what I felt with Fred.

They will have had as much of what they needed as I could provide and I feel that there is always another pet desperate for what I have and that grieving for the one that has gone achieves nothing whereas giving another what it needs is a very positive and happy thing to do.

This doesn't mean hat I am in the market for an old man to look after!

I was very lucky indeed with Fred in that he had his faculties to the very end and was still communicating when he died. He had some problems with sodium imbalance at the end and was not quite as on the ball as he always had been and that gave me some insight into how it is to care for a dementia patient, as did his batty girlfriend!

All in all I had it pretty easy with him I think.