General Chat

I am an adopted female. My birth parents are dead. Father was American. Mother British.

Birth father denied paternity and soon after married someone else (I assume he had been a naughty boy and didn't want his fiancee to find out!). He went back to the USA and took his new wife with him. They had 4 daughters.

I hesitate to contact the daughters and tell them who I am, simply because his widow is still alive and I don't want to upset or distress her. Either she knew about me or she didn't. If she knew, she won't want reminding and if she didn't, who am I to give her such a shock and perhaps ruin her memories of her husband - they stayed married 50 years till he died.

BUT on the other hand should I try and contact these half sisters of mine? I have no proof that their dad was my birth father other than the name my birth mother gave at the time. As I said, he denied paternity when interviewed. Then again if he was courting someone else and had two timed her, I am not surprised he would deny paternity.

What would you do in my situation, get in touch with my half sisters in America or not? Have I the right to possibly upset his widow? Or could I maybe trust the daughters not to tell her if they didn't think it was a good idea?

Then again I have no concrete proof that we are related. Dilemma!Am I being too considerate or should i just go ahead and get in touch?

I really can't find the right words right now Rider9, but all I will say to you at the moment is.........My heart sincerely goes out to you.

I think I know what I would do.........but I need to think on it.

Prickles. <3

thanks Prickles :-)

It is 'possible' that in the years since your birth your father told his wife and daughters that he had another child, and if so it may be that they ( or one of them) might try or wish to get in contact. Would he have known your name so that if it were online one of his daughters would be able to find you? Or failing that is your mother's name on your tree so that if they knew her name they would be able to find you?

I'd say that if they do know about you then it would be better to hope they look for you rather than you making contact.

I think personally I would not make contact, at least until well after their mother has died ( I am assuming she would be quite elderly) , it would be very difficult for her daughters if they felt they had to keep such a secret from her. If they don't know about you, their memories of the father they thought they knew could well be tarnished, and he is no longer here to explain to them, or to you.

It's so difficult to give a 'right' answer..it could work out, but it could also lead to a great deal of hurt all round, with everyone 'losing'.

I'm assuming you have some contact details for your half sisters, if you've only recently found them please don't rush into anything, really consider not just how they might feel but also how it will hit you if they don't want to know.

This is tricky. No simple answer.

I to am adopted. I have thoroughly researched by birth mothers family(all of whom are now deceased) and know from the paper trail that I have a half brother. I tried to contact him, but he didn't want to know. Nothing had been said of my existence.

I think you need to be absolutely certain that the people you are contacting are relations. Perhaps use an intermediatory.

What ever you decide, good luck.


Andy

Depends on what ages these other people are.?

I don't think I would contact them, at least while the mother is still alive.

Actually, I have a slightly different story ..........

I know my brother fathered a child when he was about 16. The woman was about 4 or 5 years older, and married but her husband was away.

My parents apparently refused to have anything to do with her or the child, and forbade my brother to have any contact.

I have no idea of the sex of the child.

I have no idea whether my brother's wife ever knew ............ he didn't even know her at the time the child was born.

I have no idea whether any of his daughters ever knew

I have a feeling that none of them did, because they all have railed against their father for years, but never has anything been said about a child, or "you can't dictate to us because you ......".

I've told my husband and my daughter, but sometimes wonder whether I should raise the matter with the one very sensible niece.

Then I think, better let sleeping dogs lie.

Who knows? 12 years ago we were approached by a lady from the other side of the world - and in a very "not giving away too much", way, asking about some man with the same surname as me. Great searching, but 9 months later we had found her a half sister aged late 60's. Both were rapt. Not related to me but I now have "pretend cousins" and we have all met up and are closer than many 'real cousins' of mine.
You are a long time dead and most people have a few skeletons. Go gently - but go.
B

I'm inclined to agree with Bernie. Life is short and sometimes if you don't do things you deny someone else the opportunity to find you as a relative too. It drives me mad that people can make judgements today about things that happened so many years ago and without all the facts and knowing the circumstances and people. It isn't you that would be doing any tarnishing anyway. I would contact the children. They can better judge whether to tell their mother or not.

Just to correct what may be misinterpreted, I was not suggesting in any way that the daughters might feel their memories of their father were "tarnished" by the fact that he had another child...rather that if he hadn't TOLD them, they might feel that finding out he lied by omission on something so important for so many years they no longer felt they 'knew' him.

As I said it is possible they already know, it would have been a difficult secret to carry for 50 odd years, your birth mother might have contacted them even. Your father may well have been honest with his wife and daughters, may even have tried to find you. Just tread very carefully, for your sake as much as theirs :-)

Can we look at it from a different angle?

What are you personally hoping to gain from any contact? Is it to learn about your birth father, or to meet your half siblings? Are you prepared to be rejected? Would you be willing to undergo a DNA test with possible negative results?

As Andrew suggested, it might be best to use an intermediary. An impartial experienced person would be able to smooth over any initial surprise or shock.

Thanks to you all for your replies. Food for thought! I don't have a tree yet, but it seems a good idea to do one one here and on Ancestry so that others can find ME if they want to. I also don't think it a good idea to contact them whilst his widow is still alive.

Once again, thanks for your replies. Much appreciated.