General Chat

I thought I would let you all know of the latest. Grandson went to his sisters funeral today and held his head up high. Its a very split family and he knew his presence there wasn't going to be taken to kindly by one part of the family.

He gave his dad a letter and a teddy to go int the coffin yesterday. The funeral was very early today which allowed him to go to the wake afterwards and is now on his way to weston to stay in a hotel for the night. his best family memories as a family are at weston so this is where he has chosen to go tonight to take flowers, candles and a message in the bottle (hope the tide is in).
School has been very supportive and has organized councelling for him.
anne

This morning Ive just had a lovely phone call where daughter seems a lot more happier. She and grandson had a good night sleep, He slept in his own bed and only called out once for her and after she had settled him again he went back of to sleep. What I didnt know was that Winstones wish was sending out some booklets for her and they arrived this morning so she was busy reading those while grandson had a friend round. Hopefully with his friend round he may eat today.

Daughter ended the phone call saying mum I must go I just found the booklet about "what can schools do to help".

Anne <3

There are several organisations that offer counselling and his GP may be able to recommend one that can see him ASAP. The school should be able to support him as well.

It may help your daughter to read up on the seven stages of grief. The seven emotional stages of grief are usually understood to be shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope.

So sorry that your family are going through this.

I would do a letter to his present school saying how concerned I was and explain that seeing a counsellor he knows and trusts at the appropriate time is so important and in his best interest to help him cope. I would ask them to work with you on this to help ensure the least setback to his education and confidence so that he may go on to realise his full potential at school. If you do a letter, it will be on record and they should be concerned about his education suffering.

The letter sounds like a good idea for him to think about when he's ready. I'd try and explain to him that although it won't change what's happened, sometimes doing things like that helps us to get our thoughts straight or to see things in a more balanced way when we write them down, particularly when we are upset.. That the only way to be sure something won't help is after we've tried it.

I do feel for your daughter as it is going to be a tough time for her. You may feel useless, but she must be so glad you are at the end of the phone for her.

It must feel so traumatic for him, poor boy.

It might be that with careful negotiation the family might be able to arrange for him to visit her before the funeral as he seems so desperate to do so. If he is not allowed you will have to explain that he can be just as close to her at the funeral.

It does sound as if he would benefit from a counsellor as he is already expressing a wish to speak with the previous one. It might be worth trying to arrange for him to speak with one at his new school as soon as he returns.

How difficult for you Anne when you are grieving yourselves but also having so much worry for your daughter and grandson, also. Make sure that you take time to look after yourself and try to get adequate sleep at this time <3

at the moment he is saying that if he cant see her face to face then whats the point of doing a letter. he is begging my daughter to allow him to go to the funeral parlor when she is laid out to rest, but my daughter has no say in who is allowed to go as this child has a different mother. She told grandson that this is the case, maybe he change his mind as the days go on.
he has had counselling in junior school when my daughters marriage broke up, he went with daughter and his dad and other 3 siblings (his children) went there way. he started senior school in sept so I dont think he will have the same counsellor and he said yesterday, i wish i was back in juniors then i would have Mrs ? to go to.

I am sure there would be many books on helping children work through their grief feelings in an age appropriate way.

You could speak with one of the agencies or take a look at titles on Amazon, maybe. <3

edit* he needs to be told that even adults who lose somebody close experience all the feelings that he is going through, that it is normal to feel the way he does, that everybody has feelings of anger and regret for things that were said in the past when they lose a family member but that doesn't mean that he didn't care about them.

Might there also be somebody at church or school that he could have a chat with? He might find it helpful to speak with somebody outside of family, too.

The fact that his grandparents are aware of his needs at this stage will be positive for him in the future. I guess children need a period of time to grieve like any of us, working their way through the various stages with plenty of loving support and opportunities to speak of their feelings.

I think that counselling would be good for him after a period of time, I should take advice as to when that might happen. It might not even take many sessions to help him work through his feelings of loss, grief and guilt. He needs to understand that it is normal for siblings to have words but that doesn't mean that he didn't care for his sister. He might be encouraged to write her a goodbye letter, giving him an opportunity to express his emotions, ask for forgiveness, talk to her about the good and bad times, tell her how sorry he is, and how much she will be missed. He could buy her flowers and place them in a special place.

My eldest son was 3 years when his baby brother died. Until his teens he would say that he remembered not being here when his brother died. He must have been expressing his guilt for thinking he wasn't here at the time, when in fact he had been. He wouldn't have been aware that his grandmother collected him after the death, she only lived next door. Being much younger his understanding would have been limited and he was often asking where his little brother was. Having a faith we were able to say that he had gone to heaven.

It sounds as if he needs a huge amount of reassurance. As he matures he will come to realise that he didn't do anything wrong but it must be very painful to see him suffering whilst trying to cope with so much grief and anguish yourselves.

So sad that you have suffered the loss of a precious child. My heart goes out to you.

schools are usually excellent with supplying counsellors - my friend's grandson is having counselling at the moment for a different reason - his father has been jailed for ten years for supplying Class A drugs and poor Finley, who is 12 and adores his father has been self harming and thinks of himself as worthless - he doesn't know exactly what his father has done = but the school have been marvellous and he is coping a lot better now

on the whole, children are remarkably resilient - far more resilient than adults some times - I do hope your grandson gets the help he clearly needs

Annx is right ..' A mistake his parents made was just carrying on as if nothing had happened and not talking to him about it. ' .... I would just like to say that maybe they were so much in grief that they were unable to.

My 6 year old brother was killed in a road accident when I was three and a half ... he was my nearest in age sibling and my playmate......
There was no-one in the family that told me that ' he had gone to heaven' or whatever, so consequently when we sat at the dinner table I used to say, and I quote ' there is somebody missing'.
My sisters were between 4 and 10 years older than me but probably just as much in shock as my mother was who was unable to speak properly, as I was told later, for about 6 months after the death of her son.
It wasn't till many years after that I knew my brother had died and that is when my grief kicked in . In my opinion, it is so much better for children to be told the truth, however painful.
To AnotherAnnein Glos I send my sincere condolences to your daughter and her family that you may all find peace and tranquility. <3

he did sort some music out this afternoon that reminded him of his sister, which we thought was good, as he was remembering the good times they spent as a family, they were together for 4 yrs as a family.
Also he fell asleep at half 7 tonight and daughter followed shortly afterwards. I havent heard anything yet so they must both still be asleep.

Anne, I had not realised that Winston's Wish didn't help until after the funeral. I hope he diesn't have to wait too long for that to happen but they will give him a lot of help then. It sounds as if your daughter is doing things right. The important thing is for her to talk to him and to listen to him talk. So sad for the family close to Christmas I hope you can all manage to console him. What about the other siblings, can any of them help? <3

The not sleeping thing is quite common I think. My OH lost his grandma when he was about 13. She was more like his mother as she looked after him as both his parents worked full time. He then worried about sleeping and not waking up and suffered night terrors for many years till after we got together. A mistake his parents made was just carrying on as if nothing had happened and not talking to him about it. I think it is wonderful your daughter so wants to help him and I think letting him talk and trying to put different viewpoints to him will help. His sister would probably have said things she regretted too as we all do. He must remember that and what would he want her to do if it had been the other way round? I think it is bound to be difficult as he needs to let his grief out without judgment, but needs gently guiding forwards too. I think all she can do just now is keep seeking advice and keep telling him she understands why he feels as he does and that she still loves him just as much as we are all human and do things we regret. Best wishes to them both. <3 <3

It is a shame the funeral will be delayed as it might help him to say good bye. Could he write a letter now, to go with a wreath later, explaining his feelings? I don't know if this would help but it would be like an apology to his sister.

We hoping so my daughter is going into the school on Monday morning. Winstons wish said they don't do councelling in this early stages as they have to do the natural grieving process first. But they said to ring back after the funeral which will be a while as the post mortem isnt until end of next week.

How sad for you all.
I realise the children are on holiday at the moment but might his school have a counsellor he could talk to when they go back?

This is the third day that I have felt useless. My daughter has a 11 yr old and he has half siblings, sometimes he is in contact with them other times he isnt. Its his choice as they are older sometimes they were too busy to see him so he would say ok you let me down dont bother with me. Sadly it was one of these stages where some harsh words were said. This is his last memory of his sister as she was found dead 2 days ago. He is feeling guilty and saying he is cursed, he wont sleep as he says he might not wake up again.
My daughter rang winstons wish this morning and they reassured her she was doing everything right. I am there on the end of the phone and last night i had daughter sobbing her heart out to me from half 1 till 4 this morning. while he was asleep on the sofa.
She keeps saying this is one thing i have to do right as the next few weeks will stay with him for the rest of his life. She lost a sibling when she was 8 but I cant remember how we coped with it, we just did somehow.
Any other ideas worth trying?