General Chat

Hello Shirley, I really hope your weekend has been a peaceful one x

Big "Hugs" Shirley.<3
Make life easier for yourself - little things.
Keep the radio on when you go out - so the house isn't 'silent' when you come in.
Buy a light timer that turns maybe just a lamp on at a certain time, so the house isn't dark when you come in - but with lighter evenings, it gets easier.

Chin up Shirley
its early days take it one day at a time
even each hour at a time on bad days

Don't be hard on yourself <3

Shirley take it from me men also grieve, often with no way of expressing it <3 <3
Be kind to yourself
David

Shirley <3

Shirley I know just how you feel I lost my husband twenty years ago this July when I was forty six and we had been married for two years he was the love of my live and I his. My daughters from my first marriage were very good and so was my mum but I only wanted to join him but the feeling did not last to long
I think its part of the grieving that we have to go through it I think you just look after yourself and it will get better in time.

Shirley, as I read your OP I thought about the difficult time you had had and that it wasn't surprising you were getting infections as your body must be run down with all the stress you'd been through. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. The main thing is to be kind to yourself and not expect too much of yourself at this stage. Live each day and try not to look ahead or worry about the future at the moment. It's good to try groups and get out to meet people and being a listener for others and showing them kindness can help yourself too. When you feel down, give yourself a little hug and I used to find the radio or tv company when I lived on my own and it seemed so quiet.

Just sending you a ((((BIG HUG))))) pet. <3 <3 <3 <3

Shirley ,spring is round the corner .think we are all fed up with the bad weather .& are looking forward to a new year be positive & keep your love alive for your hubby in your heart .have a look for maybe trips out. or meals out with a local group .when you feel like it .even local schools do meals for people on their own Join in & you might find youngsters are interested in your knowledge & memories Look after Yourself Barbra

Oh Shirley <3 <3 <3

thank you all

xx

Shirley <3 <3 <3

Good advice that I can't really add to, except to say that one thing that struck me very hard when mum died was that most people stopped mentioning her at all, aside from my friend who was also mum's friend and talked about her easily, friends and family avoided the 'elephant in the room' even when it would have been natural to mention mum in a general way. It got to the point where it was almost like she had never existed.

They were probably too upset, or thought I would be, and I also realised that some were terribly uncomfortable if I mentioned her, maybe they felt I was not getting over her if I talked about her as if she had been, and was still, a huge part of my life...and people still ARE a part of your life because they have been there and made you and your life what it is.

So I would say if family and friends can't or won't talk about your OH, come on here and do so, as well as getting out and about when you can ( and a little routine is not a bad thing when your life has been turned upside down).

Be very gentle with yourself, and take your time. ((( hugs)))

My daughter lost her lovely husband Christmas 2014 when she was 53. It has been hard for her but one thing that has helped a lot is a large (national) group called WAYUP (They have a web site.) WAYUP is for widows and widowers over 50. (WAY--- Widowed and young) is for under 50s.) with this group there are local groups and they organise coffee mornings, lunch meetings, weekends and holidays. Last year she went to Budapest with them. She herself has organised a weekend in Windermere for June. This group has been a godsend as she has only one of her sons living near and has moved to an area where she doesn't know anyone. she now goes to yoga and aquafit. She still misses Jon of course but has other things to focus on which helps a lot. You could google WAYUP if you are interested. They also have a place to chat on line where they all support each other. <3

Shirley what you're going through is "normal" I went through this and I came out the other side, although at the time I didn't think that I would. Immediately after my darling husband died I was sort of okay. The house was full of people, there were things to arrange, papers to sign etc. Once all this was sorted out and I was at home on my own the grief really just took me over. I too wasn't well and, thank goodness, I have a small group of good friends who helped me survive as my family are all in the UK and they have each other to support them.

Now four years later I love my life and have come to accept that I can't have the only person that is missing from it. I have lovely memories, photos etc.

Just keep going forward Shirley and although it is hard, very hard you will begin to enjoy your life again. Come on here and talk to us whenever you feel things are getting to much for you to tackle alone. <3x

Shirley years ago our next door neighbour lost her husband. She used to come home from work, put her radio on, prepare her dinner then come and spend half an hour with us. She often told us tales of her husband's life. We hadn't known her long so these weren't tales we'd already heard. Years later we were introduced to her cousin as the couple who'd helped her cope with her husband's death.

All we did was listen On here we can read your stories if it helps you. Everyone is different. We can't take the pain and the loneliness away but we can help ease it in whatever way it takes to help.

My mother had a dreadful 3 months then she seemed to realize she had a life to lead. She went to 3 lunch clubs and 2 early evening bingo sessions so she was out Monday - Friday. At times I had to book a time to phone her. She also found old friends amongst the people at the clubs and bingo. She joined with 2 other widows and they spent their holidays together exploring Europe. She had a new life that lasted 23 years 11 months without dad. I'm not saying she didn't miss him, she loved talking about him when it wasn't so raw. That amount of time in the depth of mourning would have been horrendous.

My OH's aunt did the full mourning for years and formed tales around her husband's death that didn't exist. It was painful to watch and towards the end she'd fallen out with most of her friends and several relatives. They just couldn't cope with her anymore. Even her doctor asked her to leave the surgery. Her life wasn't pleasant but she made other people suffer with her bitterness and selfishness.

You can get there Shirley. The first year is the hardest. Look at what you two created and be happy that you did. Count the blessings and the good things, the bad will diminish. Spring is around the corner making it easier to go out.

Because GR covers the world there are people about most times - we are here for you.

:-) <3

Shirley,I agree with the others ...hang in there...I understand you completely..

It will be 5 years in August since my husband died,and I hadn't been out of the house except to do a quick shop,in 3 years,so the change in having to get up and try to live a single life is hard.

You find yourself putting on the radio or TV to have some noise in the background,and wanting to pass a remark and no one there!

It doesn't go away,but it does get easier as time passes.
This is a low time of year.we have all been fed up with the winter,but the nights are starting to draw out,and that makes us all feel a bit better.
Stress causes all sorts of things ,or adds to them.

Joining a group seems like a good idea.you may find some hobby that really interests you. And you may find friends in the same situation who you can meet up with to go to a theatre or whatever.

I have had to work at it and find that I'm talking to myself to motivate me.
It is early days Shirley...your husband would want you to be as happy as possible
.
There are days when I get a bit down...especially when the weather is t too good,or something happens with the house or other problems .this week I had a letter from the bank apologising as they found a small account of my husbands...I mean small...as it was an old building society account...and sent me a probate form to fill in and Copy of driving licence and passport......after almost 5 years...I get phone calls asking for him still...nuisance calls,but they don't understand that it upsets you.

Shirley ,I am here to listen .if you want to Pm me feel free.

<3 <3

Sorry folks I forgot to say thanks for all the responses

Mum would say " manners !! " :-)

it takes time - you will get there - when Lawrence died I went down with the most hacking cough I've ever had - it lasted for months - I used to creep around the house at night not to make a noise in case I woke him forgetting he was no longer here - I slept with the light on - but gradually I became used to it

Those groups will be good for getting out and meeting people Shirley.