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Sharron, thank you. I wasn´t sure about sharing it, still not if I am honest. I can hear my mother saying what are you doing, we don´t do this" well yes we do. don´t we ?
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Uzzi, thank you for sharing that.
When I was, unknowingly, still descending into my recent abyss, I tried to contact a really lovely couple I know. Several times I tried but they never answered the telephone, nor did they ring me.
Evidently, I was paranoid at the time because I decided that they didn't want to know me and decided not to answer when my number showed on their phone.
Being unworthy, I left it at that and have had no contact with them since.
My delight was unbounded when I heard at the weekend that the husband was talking to a friend and, hearing that he came from this village, asked if he knew how I was as they had not heard from me for such a long time.
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I found this, not sure whether sharing is good, as I didn´t share then but here it is. ....
I am going to share this with you, not because I want sympathy, not because I am proud, nor because I need people to know what I have been through. I am going to share in the hope that anybody out there in the same position, will take heart, even if just a little from my words. I wrote this a few years ago when I was low and writing things down helped me to understand myself and also to dissipate the emotion that had built up
I was a self harmer, my wrists and arms bare the scars of my abuse to myself. They also carry the scars of abuse that I allowed a dominant other to inflict because I believed I deserved no better.
I didn´t grow up, I had no shiney bright light ping in my head. What I had was a very patient person teaching me, like you would teach a scared dog, that I am worth more than that. That person is now gone from my life but their words and touch will stay forever.
Yes there are times that I stare at my wrists and think, there has also been times that I have held a knife over them, yes I have pricked the skin that first draw of blood, the pain I believe that I deserve just a cut away. It takes courage to say NO I am worth more than that. It takes courage to live, to know that your life is worth something.
For those who don´t understand at all, for those that know me as the strong person that I am, it will be difficult to explain what, why or who can set this off. For those who think that you might have a friend who may be a self harmer, I can only say carry on being a friend, be there in times of need. So many friends fade away, we are used to that. It doesn´t hurt us any more. We are also very, very good at driving friends away, after all we don´t deserve them ! Don´t leave we need you, because you are our anchor on life. You are reality, the person we need.
We need understanding, although we don´t know how you can understand us, we need friendship, but who would want to be our friend. We need touch, after all we are not contagious, but who wants to touch us, who will give us the hugs and cuddles we need.
Don´t be mistaken that she /he has a good partner they can´t or wouldn´t do that. We are very good at hiding things. That´s how I learnt sarcasm is a great self defense. I am an ex self harmer but I would never promise on anything but my own life that I would never take a knife to myself again. But I know with the friends that I have my life matters. I will not lie and say in the last 12yrs I haven´t been tempted. I am not a liar but like all others I can hide the truth.
Please do not think that only a weak person could do this, I was strong before. It´s a niggle that gets under the skin and needs to be cut out. I am strong now, but only on the strength of the friends that I have and trust. Without them I am not sure what I would be, I am not willing to put it to the test. These are friends that you could be to other silent people..
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