General Chat

How would you deal with this scenario.

if you had a health problem that was serious..for instance Cancer, MS or other inherited disease and your GP asking routine questions asks if you have any brothers or sisters. If you knew you had a sibling that was adopted but had told no one else how would you respond to your GP or consultant?


If you confided in the Drs, would they respect your confidentiality? if you said no I don't have any siblings and left it at that, would that be right?
I know of a someone this happened to. They were too scared to speak up incase it opened a huge can of worms. they have breast cancer and are currently being treated for it.
They do have a sister and also nieces and nephews.
They know they are sisters and have some contact but the nieces etc do not know they are sisters.

Such a dilemma but the adoption was all guarded very secretly back in the 60s and no body spoke about it.

Has anyone been in this situation. What would you do?

Florence in the hebrides

Nearly same situation but it was my daughter that died of SADS Heart specialist asked if I knew of anybody in the family with Heart problems.
No but my mother was adopted.So had to go through the trauma of getting her biological name.then had to trace through her half siblings.Nothing there.

So had to trace her birth mother and brother.Nothing was found .
So heart specialist asked if her father had any heart problems.

But her father wouldn't take any tests.

So the specialist put it down to her father's side and he asked his secretary to look for the surname in his lists or other doctors lists in the hospital records.

She found that his brother had died of heart failure .

My personnel opinion is tell the other sister and she can make up her own mind to have the tests and then tell her children.

As breast cancer can run in families the other sister should know.

Thankyou sue. I did actually suggest something along those lines. But the sister is terrified of what would happen if the truth came out as would affect and upset many family people.


if you suddenly found out that your brother is actually your first cousin, that would be rather traumatising to say the least.

it makes you think what would happen then if a couple had IVf using donors and medical history was required. How on earth do you resolve that?


Adoption in the 50s and 60s might have solved a problem for unmarried mums then but years later things have a way of resurfacing like through medical problems and family health. A heavy burden that must weigh on many a shoulder.

Florence in the hebrides

Yes Caroline, I agree with that as it does run in families. It would just mean she would have to explain why she is getting tests as she is healthy...


Its such a dilemma for her poor thing especially as she is going through the treatment right now..But for all the advice it has to be her decision.. I have to wait til I hear from her soon and find out what happens.

Florence in the hebrides

I have an adopted brother that is my nephew.

It is a difficult situation that the poor lass has to face.

It maybe better for her to have a word with the oncology specialist every thing that she tells him/her is 100% confidential .And they will help her through it .
Maybe by sending a letter for breast screening for her sister.then hopefully know one will have any idea.


Massive Hugs for your friend.

Do they share the same GP? If she told her sister first, & asked permission, the GP or specialist might be able to word an invitation to a ‘Wellwoman’ check up or to ‘random testing trial’. Armed with the knowledge of potential risks of breast cancer, the sister might even approach her GP herself.

Your friend has to think not only of her sister but also of any biological daughters she may have.

Your friends GP or Oncologist won’t break personal confidences.

My OH's step mother's family although not in quite the same situation but this shows what could happen.

Step mother's son at 30 found to have bowl cancer, early stages so sorted out quickly, then it's suggested she gets checked. She had it, again early stages. She was one of 8 so started to tell her siblings guess what?

Eldest sister told her both their parents died of it and her son was being treated for it and didn't survive. Others started talking, one brother had died from it and another being treated, another nephew died of it another had recently had treatment for it. Not one had mentioned it as they were ashamed of where it was :-( :-( :-( :-(

There's no one left of step mother's generation, she died almost 90. The whole family are now annually checked down 3 generations but lives could have been saved if someone had said something earlier. Her 2 nephews died in their 30s.

If your friend's sister or nieces get it and aren't aware of it how will your friend feel if one of them dies.

Doctors have to respect whatever is told to them and your friend could approach the sister for her to tell the rest that a doctor has said that there is a possibility of breast cancer in their genes from a test done.

Other peoples lives are at risk - maybe upset the applecart or the possibility of letting people die ------ no brainer in my opinion.

I agree with Pat.

Thankyou for all your suggestions. When I hear from her, Ill let you know what she decided and the outcome.

I think the main worry for her is that because both the birth mother and adopted mother are still alive, these are the people that would cause the most upset. She doesn't have any contact with her birth mother but obviously knows her.


When the "mothers" pass away, maybe the siblings will reunite and become a complete family....


Florence in the hebrides

The young girl must have so much courage going through Cancer and still considering other peoples feelings first.

She will eventually find the right way and with Blessings from everyone she will know what to do for the best.

My heart and Love go out to her and all her family.

Massive Hugs for them all. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Been mulling over and to add my twopennuth I would tell her that maybe she should get checked out
She doesn't have to involve anyone else in getting checked or give any reasons to anyone if she doesn't want to

Thankyou all for your comments and suggestions.

I have sent an email suggesting her sister get a well woman appointment as routine and then talk in confidence to the nurse. I agree this would be the best way and if anyone queries she can say the test was offered as she is nearly 50 and would get screening then anyway. My friend is 58 so a bit older. She found a big lump recently and that's how it all came about.

Ill let you know the outcome.

Florence in the hebrides <3

Great idea Florence. I know how upset OH's step mother was that no one had talked about their familial cancer. :-D

I think a full medical history should be taken off parents,this could then be put in the adoption file and then most problems could be tackled early.
I know of a adopted girl who when pregnant was told she had a very rare blood group she had no idea,she then went on to get breast cancer in her early 30s.

I agree martynsue, there should be some sort of medical history register compliled of people adopted and stored. so when say a baby is adopted and the papers signed, there should be a medical history attached of the birth parents. then in the future it could be referred to and could save lives expecially if there was a genetic problem etc ..

Florence in the hebrides

Well the medical papers are all well and good for now and in the future,


But my mother died of Diverticulitis bursting and doctors not picking up on it.

Her biological mother died of the same thing twenty years later.

And now I have the same medical problem.

Sorry to hear of your family’s health problems, Sue. Although it seems logical for known medical tendencies to be listed in adoption papers, some of them don’t appear until until later in life. It’s a pity we aren’t more open about them, at least within the family. Some of the reticence could be generational attitude. Cancer, although recognised, was whisperied about as if it were shameful.

One of my contacts told me of the cancer which ran in her husband’s family. Her father-in-law, brother’s in law, and husband all contracted it & died. At the time, one of her sons was receiving treatment for the same.

I would be more upset if I wasn't told..........being upset doesn't kill you, not knowing might.