General Chat

this may have been on here somewhere, but there was this blonde that heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note to her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk, the milkman thought that it was wrong and should be 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to ask, and when the blonde came to the door, he said are you sure you want 15 gallons? dont you mean 1.5? No she said I need 15 gallons, i am going to fill up my bath and take a milk bath, well he said thats ok, then, do you want it pasteurized? no she said just up to my boobs, i can splash it into my eyes. boom boom!!

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was to good, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him very quickly.!! The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would dependon the circumstances and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: Do you have grounds.? POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half,and a little home with 3 bedrooms. LAWYER 'No,' I mean what is the foundation of this case?' POLE: 'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' he responded. LAWYER: 'Does either of you have a real grudge?' POLE: 'No,' he replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.' LAWYER 'I mean, What are your relations like?' POLE: 'All my relations are in Poland.' LAWYER: 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?' POLE: 'Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. LAWYER: No, I mean does your wife beat you up? POLE: No, I'm always up before her. LAWYER: Is your wife a nag.? POLE: No, she human. LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce? POLE: She going to kill me. LAWYER: What makes you think that? POLE: I got proof. LAWYER: What kind of proof? POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, 'Polish Remover'. Tony Oz

Old Hubby says to Wife Well I'm off to the Doctors then Wife says Why are you sick' No he says I'm going to get me some of those Viagra Pills Wife says Hang on a minute I'll get my coat and go with you Hubby says Why are you sick? No she says but if your going to use that rusty old thing I'm getting me a tetanus shot

LOL nice! c x

''Do not Look down!!''

Two men on two entirely different continents each had the same Identical phrase cross their minds. No 1, was a nervous tight rope walker high up on a wire stretched between two skyscrapers.........-midway across....... No 2 was a man enjoying a '' B.J.'' being given by a lady that was well, well past her years........... what was the phrase?

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears. 'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!' shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er . How moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash. '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) . . . I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

.......BIG BREATH'S and she said......... v v v v YETH, AND I'M ONLY THIKTH-TEEN !!!!!!!!! sorry.... xxkxx

continued........ By this time..... little bead's of sweat were gently rolling down her ,baby soft neck, and her cheek's flushed a.... v v delicate shade of pink, when her huge green innocent eyes...... slowly lifted and gazed into the darkness of the handsome doctors own pupils....... She felt he's warm hands,and the hardness of his now hot v stethoscope......Then, as if faraway, from some heavenly place... she heard him say.... in a deep , strong, masculine voice (a bit like DB's.....

an oldy but goody... Young Sharon went to the doctor with a chesty cough. (you'll like this one D.B xx)... v v He rubbed the end of his big..... long.....and very...... v v flexible.....stethescope.....to make it nice and warm........... v v and placed it on her heaving chest....(you there yet Dave? to.. be... continued....

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. 'It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out.' 'That's very sensible, sir.' At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. 'Get my brown pants.'

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.' Debra replied, 'Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.'

I see you have protected the innocent really well!!!! You have obviously not recovered from the result at the weekend!!!!! And I don't blame you!!!! (Do we still 'hate' each other then?) (joke...just in case you didn't get it) Any good jokes coming my way?????? I live in hope.......

News Flash just in, from our Belfast reporter, 'A chinook helicopter as just crashed into a graveyard on the Irish border' Assistant Police Commissioner, Stelly O,Brian reports so far rescue services have recovered 96 bodies and states there could be more! Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Promised I wouldn't bring it up.....but you were definately not robbed!!!! Wasn't offended.........only joking luv...... Would have been better if it was a sheep though!!!!!

Stelly I,m gutted, Hope you didn,t think that was some joke about you, NO! No! No! Would I? It is true, very coincidental I agree. We were still robbed!

Thanks Cliff..... Wot do you mean dizzy????? and shouldn't it be about a sheep????? (or do you not know that saying?)!!!!!

A young girl,Estelly,a bit on the dizzy side, from some little town up in Lancashire,St Helens I think it was. She got this job as a farmhand on a small farm up in the Lake district. She hadn,t worked there long when one morning the farmer calls her over, ' Estelly, there,s an Artificial Insemination man coming this morning to inseminate one of the cows, I,ll be out in the fields all morning, so I have knocked a nail above its stall, so you,ll know which one, OK?' 'Yes Mr Giles, no problem' Later that morning the man arrived, she took him down the row of cows, 'It,s that one there, that one' ' you sure'man says, 'yep' Estelly replied,' its the one with nail over' 'Whats the nail for' the man says. 'It must be to hang your pants on' she says, walking away.

pmsl

Little ray. i am well and truely sorted now. they are soooooo funny. thank you deb xxooxx