General Chat

special nudge for Deb who needs a laff :-) c x

A New Creation 'Story' In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, 'You want chocolate with that?' And Man said, 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.' And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size14. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Food Cake,' and said, 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's Food.' God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, 'You want fries with that?' And Man replied, 'Yes! And super size them!' And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the National Health Service. Thought for the day ...... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. :-) c x

Thank you, you really are a little ray of sunshine. I laughed like a loon, whatever that is! Deanna

I think I'd better start doing this -- sounds like a good idea. **************************************************** An elderly couple is having problems remembering things; they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, 'Where are you going?' 'To the kitchen.' 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' 'No, I can remember it. 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it.' He says, 'I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down.' Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!' Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, 'I knew you'd forget something!!! Where's my toast?' Bob

This should appeal to the ladies, You’re so frigid, I wouldn’t be surprised if you put cold cream between your legs, he shouted at his wife. Oh, very funny, retorted the wife, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you put vanishing cream between yours. Why are men who have pierced ears ready for marriage? They've known pain and bought jewellery. The little old lady had reached her 100th birthday. She was still leading an independent life so the local paper sent a reporter to interview her. ' So Maude, have you always been as fit as this all your life' ' I sure have, young man' she replied, ' in fact I have never seen a doctor' 'Gosh, that’s really something' says the reporter, ' does that mean that you’ve never been bed-ridden'. 'Of course I have' she retorted angrily, 'And I've been had on the table as well, but if you print that I will deny it'. ---------- And some more A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, ' What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. ------- A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without pausing or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' ------------------------- A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ------------------------- One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' ------------------------------ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, She's dead'. ------------------------------ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..' 'Yes, Miss' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet aren't empty.' ------------------------------ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples. Aaaah! Little darlings!

Subject: ESCAPED CONVICT A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! he probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. i saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. this guy is probably very dangerous. if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you' To which the wife responds: 'he wasn't kissing my neck. he was whispering in my ear. he told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. i told him it was in the bathroom. be strong honey. i love you too!!'

absolutly brilliant i was in need of a good laugh thankyou everyone for putting a smile on my face. p.s whats 6' long and excites a woman every time? a £50 note.

Delia's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Woman's Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Delia's Way To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Woman's Way Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year. Delia's Way When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Woman's Way Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions. Delia's Way If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice. The Real Woman's Way If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.' Delia's Way Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. The Real Woman's Way It could keep forever. Who eats it? Delia's Way Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Woman's Way Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t? Delia's Way If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Woman's Way Why do I have a man? ..... and finally the most important tip: Delia's Way Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Woman's Way Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!!!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied, 'the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these tits you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two tits might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced', as she put it. 'That is a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six tits, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' God reached down, removed the middle tit and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight on your part. ou see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that useless tit?' Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than the story about the rib?

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. > >Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!' > >So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. > >Martin asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' >His son says, 'Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.' > >Confused,Martin asks, 'So,why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?' > >His son replies, 'Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!' > >Moral of the story: > Self-induced hangover -- £100.00 > Broken furniture --£2,000.00 > Breakfast -- £10.00 > Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk - PRICELESS!

We praise the colorectal surgeon Misunderstood and much maligned Slaving away in the heart of darkness Working where the sun don't shine Respect the colorectal surgeon It's a calling few would crave Lift up your hands and join us Let's all do the finger wave When it comes to spreading joy There are many techniques Some spread joy to the world And others just spread cheeks Some may think the cardiologist Is their best friend But the colorectal surgeon knows... He'll get you in the end! Why the colorectal surgeon? It's one of those mysterious things. Is it because in that profession There are always openings? When I first met a colorectal surgeon He did not quite understand; I said, 'Hey it's nice to meet you But do you mind? We don't shake hands.' He sailed right through medical school Because he was a whiz Oh but he never thought of psychology Though he read passages A doctor he wanted to be For golf he loved to play But this is not quite what he meant... By eighteen holes a day! Praise the colorectal surgeon Misunderstood and much maligned Slaving away in the heart of darkness Working where the sun don't shine!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.' 'If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!' To which the wife responds: 'he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!'

Getting Old.... God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five am. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked 'But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!' to which he answered 'I guess it must be working then!'

Every night, Frank would go down to the off licence, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. 'What can I do?' he pleaded. 'Not much' the doctor replied. 'There's just a nasty bug going around.'

Subject : Rooster Puzzle A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What's it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....' he sighed, '.....let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.' :-) c x

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD: 01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible. 02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into 'The Crying Game'. e. When she is using her teeth. 03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever :0) c x

Something to cheer you all up :-) HOPE YOU LIKE AND ENJOY!!! :-) :-) Added by Nichola on 30/11/2004 16:54:14 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. __________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? _____________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? _____________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? ______________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere Added by Helen Little Nell ptfg on 30/11/2004 17:11:43 Nichola I've seen some of these before but they are worth repeating! My own favourite was a barrister who cross-examined an expert witness over some complicated issue. At the end, the judge commented 'I'm none the wiser' to which the barrister replied 'No, my Lord, but much better informed'! Barrister: Stop prevaricating - did you sleep with this woman? Defendant: Not a wink! Barrister: So you were as drunk as a judge? Judge: I believe the saying is as drunk as a lord. Barrister: As your lordship pleases. nell

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put 'Happy Thanksgiving' under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with 'Merry Christmas' up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, 'If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?' She says 'I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!'

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.' 'Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.' The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.' The boy leans over to her and whispers, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'