Genealogy Chat

Thought I'd start the ball rolling. I'll copy as many pages I can before I go out.

adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptees*Chapter 5* Once again this thread has continued and has proved worthwhile. the other threads will always be there for us , but maybe easier to start again with chapter 5. everyone more than welcome! Jess x Page: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 (Currently on page 1) Added by Eileen Bowman on 14/05/2006 00:13:11 Sad birthday for me on 13th, now yesterday, as we had to say goodbye to our lovely boxer in the morning - many of you will know how we feel - We all love our pets, probably too much, do adoptees find goodbyes even harder than other people? Eileen Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 14/05/2006 00:18:51 perhaps loving our pets as we do ( and Bobbin certainly comes close to the centre of my world) says something about adoptees and having/needing some form of unconditional attachment to something? jess Added by Louise Goodfellow on 14/05/2006 00:20:38 Hi Eillen I am a fellow adoptee, & my pets are my babies, yes we do take it harder than others, I think its the unconditionale love pets give with no questions or answers, without fail, thay love you & you them, no arguing or fighting, no tears or trebulations just long lasting love. My thoughts are with you on your loss, Louise. Added by Strump! (In Sussex) on 14/05/2006 01:08:38 You know Jess, if Bernice (my mum can help) she will. She is on holiday for the next week (from monday) x Added by Little Doris Williams on 14/05/2006 02:59:27 Yes Jess Ignore the other thread, these people have a shallow mind, and it is the weekend, i dont know you , however like others i admire you. Doris. Added by Ann from Oz on 14/05/2006 04:50:05 Hi all (wow Chapter 5 already) HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY(Its mothers day in aussie today). My kids have spoilt me today. Eileen Sorry to hear your boxer has passed. We also bury our animals in our yard. We have serveral birds,fish.Guinea pig and dog. Our kids have had this tradition of burying our pets in our backyards and it helps them move on. Mel Love your new name. Glen Hope things are going better for you this week. Dont let them get you down, Its my birthday on wednesday and its just over a year that I found out about my bs gee hasnt time flown by. I have gone from knowing nothing to knowing it all.....oh well not my bf...But gee how things change. Have a great day Annxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 15/05/2006 01:34:01 Thanks everyone - Jess, I've no idea what went on but so glad you've not gone, and nor has this thread. Eileen Added by Ann from Oz on 15/05/2006 02:03:31 Hi all I dont know whats going on....I must have missed something. Without this and the last 4Chapters, I would still be trying to cope by myself. THANKYOU JESS (sorry if I have offended anyone using capital letters....I am not shouting) for starting this thread and the other 4 chapters as well. You have done a great service for all ADOPTEE'S and me. Annxx Added by Heather Positive Thinker on 15/05/2006 07:27:05 Eileen, so sorry to hear about your boxer - I know how devasting it is to lose a pet who you can love and be loved by unconditionally. I dont think its something confined to adoptees - I still shed tears over my dogs I lost 20 years ago. I think its just a type of person who has a lot of love to give and takes their responsibility to our animals seriously that this hurts so much. Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 15/05/2006 07:50:46 Ok, we need each other - i wont delete. let me make is absolutely totally clear here and now , although it probably matters not a jot to any of you... I started these threads so we could talk together and understand adoption issues together , with the support of each other. I am given to understand that it is supposed that I have some adoption qualification.I DONT, nor have ever pretended to have. just been there, got the T shirt...and the scars. Jess Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 15/05/2006 08:04:27 Ok, just to get us going again. how many of us have had a good experience with SS with our adoption journey? has anyone had a really bad one? Mine was good, my counciller was a bit like a nodding dog, said very little and just sort of nodded at everything i said - she wasn't agreeing , or disagreeing , just listening, acknowledging a pause in my thoughs and turning me to think out what I thought myself. Does that make any sense at all? She other than fact that were on paper, didnt tell me answers as such, just talked thru my thoughts, which was good, or i thought it was anyway. Jess Added by Shannette Rowe on 15/05/2006 12:54:43 Glad to see you again .I think that maybe my experiences may help clear up why we all need mutual support. My contact with SS was so long ago that i can't really remember it but a few years ago i went to see someone at After Adoption for advice on how to tell my children that i was adopted and was seen by somone who was about 12!! and when I struggled to get much help from him I asked if he was adopted and he said no.That's the answer really--no one else can ever understand what we go through. Added by Hazel Dower on 15/05/2006 14:41:47 i know that this is an adoption /hints& hugs thread ,but i'd just like to say i'm glad that your still here jess. hazel. Added by Eileen Bowman on 15/05/2006 18:45:09 A tricky one this Laura - we adoptees and searchers do not usually put full surnames on postings - see the thread about 'adoptees that can be open....' This is in case you happen to be looking for someone and they do not know that they are adopted. Usually we only put birth christian names and date of birth, and an area, and the mothers christian names and possibly an initial for the surname. This way we try to make things more confidential - only someone who had got their original birth cert. already would recognise the posting as being for them. If they had done the necessary paperwork to get their orig. cert. then obviously they would have already known they were adopted and it would not be a traumatic shock. If this man was born in 1929 he might well not know as people then were far less open. Also the process for formal legal adoption had only been going for about two years, so often early on many people might still have done it informally. Don't know that this is much help - what do others think? Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 15/05/2006 19:52:55 Hi Jess and everyone re an experiance with the social sevices and social worker, mine was a good experiance and also a funny one, as per the rules put into place in 1975 ( I think thats right), I had to see a social worker to get the whole process into place. She laughed and laughed as I was 62yrs of age and she found it funny that it was up to her to recieve all the documents and up to her to see wether or not I was emotionally able to handle the news contained in the documents, also as I had been involved in many adoptions in my working life as a nurse she felt I could handle whatever turned up. Considering that I lived for 62 yrs without knowing I was adopted the experiance with her went well. Also I was treated very well by the people I spoke to in liverpool that started this adventure when I called for a full birth cert, as they could not find me it soon was apparent to them that I was adopted and how they handled a delicate situation was very good I do appreciate the lady I spoke to her name was helen and she was so kind, Jess so glad to see you back on line regards to all Dorothy Canada Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 15/05/2006 20:59:58 just bookmarking,be back tomorrow Glen Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 16/05/2006 10:16:41 Hi all My experience with SS has been very limited,just the initial visit which

Added by Eileen Bowman on 17/05/2006 18:13:31 Its awful that people should be treated like this - both 20 years ago, and its still going on. The fact that an adoptee is asking about his/her birth family means that they have already given great thought to what results may appear. What right has someone who has probably never met them previously to make an assumption about their ability or maturity. At 16 you can join up. At 17 you are considered sensible enough to drive a lethal weapon - a car - at 18 you can die for your country (think you can do this at 16 actually - certainly it was so 20 years ago) You are considered able to commit your life to God, or to another person in marriage - BUT you are not allowed to know who your parents are.........................! Words fail me Eileen Added by L Dinkydame on 18/05/2006 00:02:56 Pray for my doggy, he is very ill, as a rescue dog to start with, he is not eating or drinking & sadly I think he's dying at the tender age of 6, we are destraught, he is a gorgeous rottie & we love him to bits but it looks like either one of the neighbours have poisoned him or he has been fed over the fence, an adoptee finding it really hard at the mo & ready to give up, why o why does everything hurt so much, Dinky. Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 18/05/2006 05:36:00 Jennifer - how very sad, sounds as thought i was a bit like ''out of the frying pan, into the fire'' - what a dreadful way to be brought up and hopefully not something that would be allowed to happen today. Blimey , i was brought up to go to church, but that does all sound a little extreme. Sounds as though your love has helped him thru too- good for you. Jess Added by Heather Positive Thinker on 18/05/2006 19:00:33 For Michelle - there are several threads on this - you can enter adoption in the search box at the top to see them. Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 18/05/2006 20:06:51 Hi everyone I'm still nowhere nearer getting my court papers,looks like they have 'vanished' between Lincoln and Scotland,so still patiently waiting. Next weekend is planned to allow me to meet my first cousin for the first time,here's hoping that goes as well as the phone calls we have had. We share the same interests and have the same sense of humour (god help the ladies that day),lets just hope he can find the photographs he has put in a safe place. Glen Added by Ann from Oz on 19/05/2006 02:38:46 Hi all Want some Hints about first meetings???? Having my first bs meet next month and would like to hear about others. After talking viar email and phone I hope I can talk to her face and not freeze up. Do you shake hands or try to hug them......I am feeling nervous already. Thanks Annxx Added by *** Mel in Oz *** on 19/05/2006 07:57:03 Hi Ann, I am sorry I can not tell you any stories about meeting for the first time as all my BF live in the UK. And I will possibly never meet them. All I can say is what I would probably do and that would be in my usual upfront nature. When I meet her I would probably come out and say ' so do you think we should hug or shake hands ' while laughing nervosly. Don't worry Ann what is the worse that can happen ? Glen, Good luck also, let us know how you go. Seeya Mel Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 19/05/2006 14:11:22 Can you honestly see this gasbag keeping quiet for long?? Just had an e-mail this morning,my records are definately on the way,they were on an electronic system or something and it had to be updated,makes you wonder what the problem was,were they just indexed electronically or are they stored on a comp. I suppose i will find out pretty soon either way. Just as a side thought,if an adoptee has their birth cert but isn't having any luck with a link through here or any other sites (the mother was unmarried) how would you suggest starting to try and find out who and where she (the mother) may be? All that is available is the name,no age or anything else concrete.There is a possible marriage at a later date but the surname is so common it is a real long shot. Glen xx Added by John Pointon on 20/05/2006 10:21:52 Hi Glen, Does your birth certificate give an address for your mother? If so, you could check the address to see who lived there, to find out if there is anyone else with the same name, that was the way we started to find out more about my mum's birth mothers family. Although we knew my grandmother lived with her grandmother, we didn't know any names, and it was quite a long process checking and confirming everything. Do you think this could help you at all Glen? All the best John Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 20/05/2006 11:38:36 Hi John I have all the details for my half sibs (3 in total on my mothers side),6 aunts and uncles,grandparents etc.I have a total of 8 generations in all just on the one line. All the aunts/uncles and cousins were born within a small area of the town (5 adjacent streets according to the 30 odd birth certs i have) but for some reason none of my half sibs have anything to do with their cousins,something way back split the family apart. I have some contact with two half sibs and two first cousins,one aunt moved to Australia in the 50's or 60's and one never married,so i only have to find a cousin from the final remaining uncle and i have something from everyone that would have been nearby at the time. Unfortunately none of the aunts or uncles survive (the youngest of that generation would have been my mother,she would have been 82 this year).As for their children,well let's just say that they don't even know who is or isn't family. It's a tangled web but slowly the family is starting to rejoin through me,but the ones who are the most reluctant are my closest blood rellies of the lot. They have the choice,i won't force anything on anyone,but they do always say that they fear how i will judge our mother,and i am to blame for the problems that they have.What the problems are is unclear,perhaps they 'judge' me i don't know. Glen Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 20/05/2006 11:45:33 Ann, just do whatever comes naturally and what you feel comfortable with . jess x Added by Christine (who Should Be Studying) on 20/05/2006 18:35:54 nudge for Cindy Hope this helps with your questions, Cindy. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 20/05/2006 19:26:45 hi ann well i gave all my 3 brothers a big hug and they frooze they didnt know how to respond.i am a very cuddly person and found this a natural thing to do,it obvious that my brothers hadnt been brought up to be cuddled which i find very sad.it is very awkward meeting a relative for the first time and i dont know what to suggest to be honest,perhaps just let thing happen naturally good luck hun bacardi xxx Added by It's spring again . on 20/05/2006 22:11:46 It was very difficult - I've never been one for hugs and kisses which upset my adoptive mother at times but it felt extremely un-natural to me. I wasn't adopted until I was 3 by which time I'd been from pillar to post so to speak. However when you meet your family you have to accept a hug and a kiss in the way it was intended as a joy to meet you and to reciprocate as best you can. I made the joke that I'd never been so hugged or kissed in all my life - so it worked out ok. So just do what comes naturally to you - handshake, peck on cheek or whatever. Whatever happens everyone will be nervous of doing the wrong thing so keep the situation as light as possible. Added by Geraldine Brindle on 21/05/2006 09:12:06 When I met my sister for the first time I was already seated at the table at a bistro near her home (neutral ground) My husband and I got there early and I watched the door like a hawk... when she walked in I saw a face that was different to mine but with a searching look (she was

Added by Sue (Sylvia Z ) ** on 24/05/2006 19:46:11 Dorothy, I really feel for you, but hope you have managed to have a great day otherwise. Many Happy Returns love Sue x Added by Sue (Sylvia Z ) ** on 24/05/2006 19:55:44 I would just like to say to all of you searching, never give up, even though you seem to be getting nowhere. Having searched for my BM for nearly three years, I was almost at the point of giving up, when I had a message from an elderly lady who used to know my BM. Her friend in Canada had found BM's family. My BM sadly died in 2002 and her sister in 2004, but my Uncle (sister's husband), his daughter and her children were very welcoming to me, I am now part of the family. We have just returned from a trip to Canada to meet them and it has been amazing. While I may not look a lot like BM, my mannerisms and sense of humour are just like hers!! My cousin gave me a shoebox belonging to BM with lots of photos, school reports, Baptism certificate and even the travel document that told me where and when she sailed to Canada. Exciting stuff and I still have to meet an aunt and cousin in Poland. So you never know what is around the corner and keep hunting, they are out there somewhere. Sue Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 24/05/2006 20:01:02 hi sue thanks for your message, your news was very exciting I am glad your trip over here(canada) went well , I am just getting ready to go over to my son's for dinner I have settled down over my attack of nerves earlier to-day and yes I am having a great day. regards dorothy Added by Sheila Molyneux on 24/05/2006 22:24:06 Hi Dorothy, 'Happy Birthday to You Dorothy' hope your feeling a lot better now and have had a good evening. Do not beat yourself up about your feelings before, you know adoption is a double edged sword, whilst you can tell yourself you were lucky to have been chosen by your adoptive parents and were very much wanted, you also have to contend with the fact that your BM decided, for whatever reason, to give you away, none of us can deal with rejection very easily and this is the ultimate one, knowing that the person who gave birth to us also gave us away. Maybe that is the reason most of us do our search, that deep down we want to know that it was not our BM's choice and that the situation was beyond her control. Try to remember it was a different world back then, so we can not judge to harshly, that persons situation, but also keep all the positive things in mind........ the life you have had, the family you now are part of, and your own family who will always love you, if you gain any extra love or friendship from your adoptive family then that is a bonus, but I wish you well (by the way 2 years is not so long to come to terms with it all, you have had 62 years not knowing you where adopted, do not think of your birthday with sadness but as being a wonderful day, after all you brought joy into two people lives the day you where born. Take Care and enjoy the rest of your Special Day! Sheila Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 24/05/2006 22:50:33 happy birthday dorothy i find b,days very difficult aswell,at one time i didnt celebrate my b,day cus i wasnt suppose to be born anyway,thats what i thought and still have that feeling sometimes,but i look back and thank god i survived otherwise i wouldnt of met my hubby and had my lovely daughters,and i had lovely parents who cared for me enjoy the rest of your day dorothy love bacardi xxx Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 25/05/2006 02:19:24 hello to all the people who took the time to wish me happy birthday and tried to cheer me up thankyou all so much for caring, yes I did have a wonderful evening with my son and his family, he cooked a great dinner and wrote me a wonderful letter re me being 64 this year and it being his 40th in august all about what we both had meant to each other over the years it of course had me in tears, lovely gifts a book on the wit of winston churchill that my daughter of the heart not in law as i like to call her bought on her recent visit to england. etc etc. the children teased me about being 64 and grandpa being gosh he is 72 even though we have been divorced for amny years we did do a good job bringing up our son yes I know that is bragging but it is allowed once in a while. sheila I will reply to you personally your note meant a lot. my day is nearly over here in canada and it has been a good one kind regards to you all dorothy Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 25/05/2006 08:15:18 My mum and dad always made a special effort for my birthday, much as i guess it is a day My B/m would rather forget, it was a day, - although at the time of my actual birth I wonder if they knew i was being born - that brought much happines, I hope, to my mum and dad.The Daughter they wished for was finally 'here'. I know they had me within weeks of being born ( BM didnt take me home with her at all, they collected me from the hospital on the bus!!) and being born right at the end of the Oct, was 'home' with them , for the christmas. Apparently there was some danger of their changing their mind about the name they had chosen for me - nearly got Grizzelda apparently.they passed me like a parcel that first christmas because all I did was grizzle! Jess x Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 25/05/2006 11:10:47 My youngster is 13 today,i plan to go to see her this weekend and take a few presents,but did post a card so she has something on the day. The memories of the dash to the hospital and holding her for the first time will always be there,no matter how far in the past they are.I wonder if those same memories were ever in my b/m's mind,doubtless they were at some point. It makes your own birthday a strange day for different reasons,a real mixture of emotions and questions. Glen Added by *** Mel in Oz *** on 26/05/2006 12:21:35 Hi Everyone, Happy Birthday Dorothy, I glad to hear you had a good one. I did find my BM this year before my birthday and in my little glass bubble I did expect to get an email from BM as this was the forst year in 37 years that she new where I was and had access to me. Yes I did check my emails many times that day and nothing. There was something from BC, BS and BA so that was all very nice, but ultimatly nothing from her. After 10 weeks of not hearing from her she did email me with a sorry for not contacting you I have been busy moving in with my new boyfriend and have also done my back in (mmm) etc etc etc. I have waited now nearly 3 weeks to reply, yes I know it is childish to make her wait but I can't help it. Sorry to sound a little bitter but I am having one of those days. Seeya Mel Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 26/05/2006 12:35:01 Hi all I had another call from my half sister this week,and have started to find out quite a bit about my b/f,not nice and not a total suprise,(it echoes what i heard from who i now know is another half sister via b/f). The more i find where and when he managed another child makes me wonder if anyone on this board is far closer to me than we know.After all it IS a very small world. Going to meet a first cousin this weekend as well as seeing my youngster so it's going to be busy. Mel,in my humble experience sometimes making others wait can have a positive effect,it can stir the curiousity and makes them make a move for once,but not always. Huge hugs for everyone Glen xxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 27/05/2006 20:09:31 sorry to miss your birthday Dorothy - odd the idea of a nine-day gap - mine would have to be a two year gap as I stayed with my mother 'til about 18 months, and did not go to 'new parents' for another few months as far as I know. Have just been catching up after a week off air due to all family visiting for hubbie's 60th birthday. So much goes on in everyone's lives when one misses reading just for a few days. Hugs to all Eilee

Added by Jacqueline Scicluna on 01/06/2006 15:29:14 Thanks to those who gave advice.... not heard anything - might be totally wrong person! As I said before - new to all this - so not done much research in the past - any ideas / tips on the right way to go about this searching? I hear a lot of you discussing SS - what's this all about - is this to find names of BF and BM? If I already have all that info - what's the next step? just wondering how to go forward? what's all these nudges and bumps about too? Added by Juliet Roberts on 01/06/2006 18:46:41 the nudges and bumps put the msgs back on the front page at the top. Added by Eileen Bowman on 01/06/2006 23:08:17 nudge Added by Eileen Bowman on 02/06/2006 23:30:33 nudge -and has anyone come across an adoptee whose birth name is Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September 1945 - if so she could be my full sister - still looking - Eileen Added by Beverly- Michelle on 03/06/2006 13:58:40 HI ALL JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT A FEW MONTHS AGO, I MADE ENQUIRIES ABOUT A SISTER WHO MY MUM HAD ADOPTED, I WAS ABLE TO TRACE HER FILE AND THEN I WAS REFERRED TO A SOCIAL WORKER IN MY COUNTY. I HAD A LETTER TODAY SAYING THAT THEY ARE STILL LIASING WITH A TRACE AGENCY AND THEY WILL CONTACTING ME AGAIN IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. EVIDENCE OF THE CHANGE IN LAW (SIS; I AM LOOKING FOR MY SISTER, WHO IS ALSO CALLED BEVERLY MICHELLE) I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED. BEV Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 07/06/2006 23:32:12 We're slipping into oblivion again **waves to adoptees far and wide** Added by Eileen Bowman on 07/06/2006 23:41:09 Glad you are still digging away at it Beverley - good luck and hugs Good luck and hugs to all searchers - Where are you Jennifer Ann born 22nd September 1945 in Woking Maternity Home, our mother lived in Bisley and her names were Muriel Ethel M......... You are my full sister Eileen Added by Eileen Bowman on 08/06/2006 22:10:04 n;udge nudge nudge Added by Juliet Roberts on 09/06/2006 10:16:49 if your name is Kathleen Gillson, now Gillian ..... Her DOB is 17/04/57 and last living in Leigh,Lancs.your birth family would like to make contact. You were rejected 10 yrs ago.Your birth mother is now 66 and regrets the rejection bitterly.Your half brother would like to meet you and to explain the reasons. He is searching for you. I am not family .If you wish/do not wish for contact please let me know and i will pass the msg on. Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 09/06/2006 11:45:27 Hi everyone I recently sent a letter to a nursing home,the residence of an elderly living rellie.They kindly passed the letter on to his grandaughter and she has been in touch today. She lived in my home town for quite a while,only a street or two away from me and we never knew.I can see a few phone calls coming up.I lived three doors away from her mum (my first cousin) for 3 years,small world isn't it. Glen Added by Jeannette Scott on 09/06/2006 12:18:43 Hi as a Birth Mum may I just put in my two bobs worth. It takes incredible strength & love to give your child to somebody else to raise. The reasons are numerous but mine were I just could not provide the two loving parents that I think each child deserves. My child's conception was not at my choice & I was young & penniless. I gave my child to what I hoped would be a happy,nurturing home. This was not the case & the adoptive Mother was abusive & plain horrible.Along came a lovely stepmum who healed a lot of wounds. My child aged 17 was able to access all the info I had given Social Services- a lot of which had been recorded inaccuratetly & a lot of things I would have choosen not to tell or told when I felt the time was right. those of you with children would you like your children knowing every detail of their conception about your past?thought not! That is what happens in many cases when adoptees are handed their files.I agree that everybody deserves to know who their parents are but it does allow them to know every detail about the said parents. Not just to protect our privacy but to save our already hurt children from more pain.They are ours in our hearts if not in our arms! Added by Juliet Roberts on 09/06/2006 21:13:06 nudge Added by Joan Allan on 10/06/2006 00:42:21 I am looking for an electoral roll search for Liverpool/Wirral for 1974. Hoping to find friends adopted daughter and the only way forward now is by electoral roll search in the hope that her date of birth will appear as a new voter. Is anyone willing or able to do a search of the records for the year the adoptee would have been eligible to vote, reasonable fee/donation paid please contact Joan Allan many thanks Added by Eileen Bowman on 10/06/2006 21:11:32 Jeanette - well said !, ..... there seems no way round the difficulties that Social Services often cause. 'Too much information'..., on the one hand, and way too little on the other - and all too often just plain pig-headed stone walling, with a 'we know best ' attitude. You have only to read these postings to see that they cause more problems than they solve. There are good ones, but they are few and far between. Nice to see a good word put in for Step-parents too. They often come in for a lot of bad press. Many just slog along quietly, putting right the problems caused by others. One such is my present husband, who has been a wonderful step-dad to my two boys, and never made distinctions between them and our own subsequent three children. Eileen Added by Sandra MacDonald on 11/06/2006 16:44:00 nudge Added by Jeannette Scott on 12/06/2006 11:49:35 Yes step-parents do get a bad press & all I can say is my dear child would not have survived childhood if not for the stepmum. She realised the emotional/physical abuse was happening-just not the extent & got the situation sorted. She & the adoptive Father had no other children.Although my child has had a materially wealthy upbringing & lots of love from Stepmum & A Dad I am so angry at SS who did not properly assessthis woman-now dead thank God who had all sorts of emotional & mental health issues. I did my best & set all sorts of criteria for the adoption ie other children,parenting experience,religion etc & not one was met! It was like they looked at my wishes & thought lets find parents that are the exact oppisite to what the BM has asked for! You are also dammed from all sides-'selfish,irresponsible being a single parent' 'selfish,irresponsible hard-hearted giving your child away' We don't give our children away we place them in somebody elses arms-from God's arms to my arms to yours.' We pray that these arms will be kind,happy & loving & understanding. May I say that not one day of my child life has gone by that I have not had them in my heart & on my mind. My child has choosen to have no further contact & I have no choice but to accept that.I have no other children & it is so hard to be a Granny & not to see or hear how they are all doing. maybe one day! Added by Mel W on 12/06/2006 12:12:04 Hi All I just wondered if anyone could offer me and my Mum any advice. My Mum was adopted - about 20 years ago she found out her birth name and her birth mother's name. She started the search but then life got in the way (as it does) and she just stopped looking. When I got interested in researching my family tree she told me everything she knew and we both starting looking at birth and marriage records. I found her cousin and contacted him through this site and he has since let us know that Mum's birth mother is still alive and living with Mum's half sister. We have found out that her mother had her first daughter at 16 but she didn't have her adopted however when Mum came along 4 years later she was adopted. We also have their address. The question is

Added by Eileen Bowman on 13/06/2006 00:13:47 Jeanette Hugs from lots of us - maybe she will change her mind one day. My half-bro had two bad adoptions, first one he was rejected, and second one was cold and undemonstrative. He eventually found the rest of us, which is great, sadly too late to meet our mum, but we were able to tell him about her. Don't gibve up hope yet, things ofen come good eventually Eileen Added by Jess Bow Bag Bobbin Dog''WOOF'' on 13/06/2006 21:02:00 My very dear friends and fellow adoptees. Some of you may be aware that over the last couple of weeks or so, another member of this site, has seen fit to take the mickey out of the fact that i was adopted. they have formed a view of me that accompanies this sheer nastiness. To this end,I'm going to back away from GR, and leave this thread to you guys. The hardest thing of all is that there is absolutley NOTHING i can do to change the facts - I WAS adopted, I've done the tracing - part successful, part not, (Que sera sera- cant change that either) and chose to share the experience with you guys, the people that have become my very dear friends, if for no other reason that we share the fact that we are adopted and know what it feels like. I thought this was good for us all. A small minority are taking advantage of the fragility of an adopteees heart- and hitting where it hurts. Sorry my dear friends I cant let them hurt me like this any more. Look after each other, continue to be there for each other, and to understand each other. The very first thread in this on - going topic was called 'ADOPTED AND NOT ASHAMED' - and despite evrything I'm still not Ashamed, just hurting like hell just now. My love to you all until I return Jess Added by Juliet Roberts on 13/06/2006 21:56:59 michele summerscales born 07/04/1958 RUGBY WARWICKSHIRE and adopted 22/01/1959 believed living in leamington spa area as a child. mothers name was LOUISE MAY SUMMERSCALES born 26/03/1935 died 16/01/1985 your sister would like contact. i am not family but can put you in touch if you wish to. Added by Helen Wallace on 14/06/2006 20:38:47 What's been going on? What is there to be nasty about? It's like playground bullies who pick on someone because they are tall or have ginger hair, or glasses... you know what I mean! Never under any circumstances back down from a bully! Don't go Jess, as a newcomer to the site, these adoption threads have been fab and given me lots to think about! I for one would like to know to whom you are refering, after all they are sly enough to do it behind closed doors...... there is no evidence on any of the threads. I think whoever it is should be named and shamed, given the opportunity to explain themselves and then if warrented they should be ostricised! Added by ♥ Elaine ~against Lemon's departure ♥ on 14/06/2006 20:44:27 PLEASE ... for JESS .. Don't add further personal messages to Jess. Please keep this thread going for Adoption topics only ... please keep it going for JESS. Talk to each other, help each other, and be there for each other .... for Jess xxxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 15/06/2006 15:56:54 To all adoptees and anyone else who isn't and thinks they know all about it but haven't actually '.......got the T-shirt.....' Have just got 'Nobody's Child' by Kate Adie - apologies to all of you who have already read it, but if you haven't, get it and read it, its just amazing - only half way through so far. She fills in all the history and social detail from way back - I though I knew a lot (lol), but some of the stuff in this book is still a surprise. You hear bits of things, like the children on the orphan trains in America, but all the surrounding why's and wherefor's - well words fail me, just read it - .... then thank God on your knees fasting...............that it wasn't you Eileen Added by Eileen Bowman on 15/06/2006 22:06:23 Nudged for Sharon, - read all the other adoption threads too - lots of help and experiences shared there Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 15/06/2006 23:23:14 hi jess your dear friends will miss you,but understand what your going through i was bullied in school and the stigma of been adopted is not a nice one your absolutly right that if you aint got the t shirt how do theses people understand how we feel and what we have been through i think its a disgrace this thread is to offer support and advice to adoptees and birth familys not for bullies bacardi xxxxx Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 16/06/2006 01:04:39 hello jess and every one I have not been on line for a few days so was not aware that you jess had been upset again by some unfeeling person.I for one would miss you very much your threads have been a life line for me when feeling overwhelmed by what happened to me, I won't rehash it all. I am now 64 and the last two years have been difficult at time finding out I was adopted so late in life. But your thread and others like you have got me through the rough times. I can understand you backing away and feeling hurt but I do hope that you take a deep breath and reconsider you are very much needed and wanted my dear take care dorothy canada Added by Ann from Oz on 16/06/2006 03:47:17 Hi all i just want to say that Jess is not the only Adoptee that writes down their personal experiences for other Adoptee,s to read. Since finding this thread others have also answered queries from me....Mel.Eileen,Sheila,Kimberly,Dorothy,Glen......Sorry if I have missed anyone. My point is LEAVE JESS ALONE YOU BULLY, WHOEVER YOU ARE. Jess started something GOOD. And as an Adoptee I needed to hear other Adoptee experieces. It has helped me. Annxx I am meeting my bs for the first time next tuesday wish me luck....feeling nervous. Added by *** Mel in Oz *** on 16/06/2006 04:22:17 Hi All, Well said Ann, I second that !!! Ooohhh and good luck, though I am sure you will not need it. Let me know how you go. Cya Mel Added by J e S S on 16/06/2006 09:16:42 Ann, that is the whole point - I started it, but is OURS not mine, for all of us. We'd make a big chain if we all held hands at the same time! Sometimes we need a different hand ( different perspective) to see things from , and thats what is all about. besides, my hand is sweaty at the moment an no-one in their right mind would want to hold it! Jess x Added by Helen Wallace on 16/06/2006 12:44:03 Hi folks, Happened across a great site last night.... sorry if this has already been posted but have a look at www.missing-you.net They have a section specifically for adoptions! Something similar to the thread started for leaving your details on! Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 16/06/2006 20:04:20 keeping this thread at the top to show how importent the support from it is to other adoptees and birth parents bacardi xxxx Added by Ann from Oz on 16/06/2006 23:30:56 Hi all I will hold your sweaty hand Jess anytime you want and be in the Chain(would probably have some gloves on though hate sweat yuk). My point is dont leave, you have done nothing wrong. Your crime was to try and help people and if your guiltly of that then I would be proud. Helping other Adoptee's is what this thread is for. Annxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 16/06/2006 23:39:55 Good luck with meeting your birth sister Ann - wish it was me - still nil desperandum - where is my full sister birth name Jennifer Ann d.o.b. 22nd September 1945 born Woking Maternity Hospital Our mother lived in Bisley and was named Muriel Ethel M....... Question Do lots of Australians read GR, or is there a special one in Oz, that is for adoptees? Many couples in the early 1950s went on the special passage emigrations to Australia, maybe this is why I have not got a response from messages on English sites. Just a forlorn hope...... Eileen Added by Ann from Oz on 16

Added by Glen Turnips in Tinsel Knickers on 17/06/2006 16:42:44 Hi all Just to share the next part of my good fortune. I hope to have a few photographs in the next week or two.After finding another cousin she has some photographs of my g g/m on her 100th birthday in 1956 and some photographs of granny and daughters taken around 1914,(one of those group family photographs that should be really interesting) We hope to meet when she visits my part of the world next month. We have swapped stories about the 'old town',as we discovered we lived a few streets apart in the early eighties. As for the rest of the living rellies,things are going quite well,contact is pretty regular and always very friendly.Even if things went sour tomorrow at least i can say i have been very lucky. Hugs to everyone Glen xx Added by Eileen Bowman on 17/06/2006 20:57:39 Thanks Maria - We have made a sundial over Ginger's grave. We lost her twin sister before Christmas, just before we moved down here to Wales from Scotland. Daisy is buried in our garden in Scotland, along with the ashes of our horse, and a hen which died for no reason as far as we could see. Our pet sheep is also there. We have always said a very traditional goodbye - our own family tradition - to all our pets. Tfhere are lots in our garden in Hampshire where we lived for 17 years, and a few in the garden of our other house in Scotland which was at the other end of the village to our last house there. The traditions and ceremony have been worked out, and added to by the children as they grew up. They always put collars, leads, favourite blanket and toys, Forget-me-nots if they are in season, Rosemary for remembrance, and other flowers. Rites of passage are an important part of life and death. Something that is often not given so much attention to in these rather rushed modern times. Rites of passage are of particular importance to adoptees - we have so little to go on, often, that we have to make our own................... best wishes to all searchers, whatever you are searching for Eileen Added by Juliet Roberts on 18/06/2006 10:46:57 nudge Added by Eileen Bowman on 19/06/2006 15:58:25 nudge Added by Eileen Bowman on 19/06/2006 23:47:56 nudge Added by Mags Mcshane on 22/06/2006 12:12:22 Nudge for Maralyn x Added by Karen Watkins on 22/06/2006 12:43:23 Hi everyone I would like to say to anyone who has been adopted or are looking for a relative that was adopted to NEVER give up. My nan's sister was adopted and the family had been trying to find her for many years. Are problem being we only had her birth name and not her adopted name. My nan wrote to Cilla Black at surprise surpise and social services and went to many different companies trying to get close to finding her sister. On monday we found her after all these years we are all going to finally meet. Unfounually my Nan died some years ago but I know she will be over the moon, We always wanted to find her and we contined on the seach with her sisters and the rest of the family and on monday it finally all happened. I cant expain how happy we are to have finally have been reunited and it was thanks to the wonderfull intenet, some people say its a bad thing but we may never have made contact otherwise. So to anyone out there that has been trying for years dont give up, as we searched for so many years and now it has finally happened so never give up as you never know what may happen. Its the best feeling in the whole world. Karen Added by Our Em on 22/06/2006 14:22:56 Hi all, I need a little help please, as i am not sure how to proceed with this... After searching for my birth mother for 15 years i found her 18 months ago... through my birth cousin.. she initially wanted contact but then got cold feet, and 18 months later has still not contacted me, so i have resigned myself that she doesnt want to know. However, when i found my birth cousin... she gave me lots of info.. I beleived i was the only child... but this is not so, i have 3 sisters and 2 brothers! My cousin could only give me scant details though ( passed on from my birth aunt) as this happened over 40 years ago and my mother apparantly cut herself off from the rest of the family after all this. 2 of the children my mother kept ( the last 2) one son went to live with his dad... Not the same father as the others... so will have a diferent surname which we do not know about... But 2 sisters were put up for adoption like myself.. I have found one of them registered in Birth records on ancestry... But where do i go from here? as an adopted sibling of an adopted sibling ( so to speak)is there any way i can trace my sisters? I was the first to be adopted, so there was no info regarding them on my adoption file. Added by Sheila Molyneux on 22/06/2006 22:07:38 Hi Folks, Just got back off holiday and wanted to catch up with everyone, hope your all well :O) Em, Where your sisters adopted through the same agency as you? can you find out any more about them? If they are aware that they are adopted, and approach the agency regarding tracing their birth family they should have been told about you as you where adopted first. As the law has now changed the agency may be prepared to help you try and trace them, there are also several things you can do to increase your chance of finding them your self, have you done anything yourself yet, e.g put your birth details in your birth name in your family tree. Sheila Added by Our Em on 22/06/2006 22:36:34 Thanks Sheila for that, although the agency no longer exists, and the social worker i used when applying for my birth records is back in Chester, ( i am now in Nottingham) am i right that if i contact Nottingham social services, they might be able to help? I have no idea whether my sisters were adopted through the same agency, though the sisters birth i found is listed in the same town that our birth mother was from.. and i think the same agency i had dealt with that same town... ( i was born in a different town for some strange reason) so hopefully... many thanks again.x Added by Geraldine Brindle on 22/06/2006 23:25:14 Em If I were you I'd email 'After Adoption' in Liverpool <merseyside at afteradoption (.) org (.) uk> and ask if they can help you. They have access to adoption records in Lancashire, Cheshire and other parts of the North West. My brother was adopted through a Chester adoption agency now closed and After Adoption have access to his records. Even though your an adoptee your now 'classed' as a birth family member and the new laws can help you. Also, the new law is such where you can apply to any Adoption Support Agency nearest your home and all records will be sent to them. Check out the website www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk it has a link on how to search for records, but really your best bet is to contact AA direct. Hope this helps. Cheers Gerry Added by Sheila Molyneux on 23/06/2006 06:59:13 Hi Em, I would contact both, if you are now living in Nottingham, then you need to find a Social Worker in your local area, you could try contacting your old one to see if she can get the ball rolling, for you and find a new one for you in your area. There is a good chance the adoption agency has been the same one used for all adoptions although i ts not 100% gauranteed but they should be able to advise you of that. Best thing to do now is ask can you place a letter with your sisters files, telling them you would welcome contact them, if they so wish (that way if they decide to search for BF they can trace you, also if they have already been in touch the agency, they will be able to tell you and advise them you have also been looking for them. In the meantime also try posting messages on the followings sites. www.myfolks(.)com www.lookupuk(.)com www.missing-you(.)net put your birth name and family on your tree on here, and yo

Added by J e S S on 28/06/2006 20:18:08 Good luck Glen - Hope what ever it says, gives you what ever it is you are looking for. rememebr to ask for a copy of everything to bring home with you - you think you'll have absorbed all the info, but I bet you wont. Me?, this particular little adoptee is feeling a little insecure at the moment - lacking belief in herself, and what she can do. people say maybe its down to my adoption - dont know really, just feeling a bit insecure. All around me the world is changing (mum going down hill fast and not very close to brother at the moment), just feels a bit kind of odd. Added by Margaret Rider on 28/06/2006 21:41:15 It's taken me over 50yrs to finally find what happened to my sister. I had always thought we would meet one day and see how our lives compared as she was my full birth sister but sadly this is not to be as she died from cancer in 1991. We were both born at the family home and we were adopted (unfortunately to different homes) within a week of each other, she being almost 4yrs old at the time. I have been quite lucky in my searches having contact with birth mother for over 20yrs and half siblings but this turned badly for me when she died when further contact with the family wasn't wanted. I also managed to find out about my father and have contact with his daughter although we keep in fairly regular contact we still haven't met. I am still trying to come to terms that I will never see my sister again. A letter has recently been sent to her family and hopefully some contact will come from this at least to see what type of life she had and also some so wanted photos of her. The only one I have of her is just before she was adopted. Well my very long search is almost at an end and I have met some great people over the years when searching and also have managed to help others along the way. Just a word to those that are so desparately seeking their family members do be careful as it can alter your life completely and it can be very unsettling both for you and your own family members. I had a wonderful life with my adopted parents something I would never had experienced if I wasn't adopted, my adopted mother now 99yrs old. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't given the wrong information many years ago about my sister from the salvation army then I might have stood a chance of meeting her and not been searching in the wrong direction! This particularly has upset me as I was perhaps rather stupid in taking their word that the details they gave me and repeatedly over a period of years were true. Added by Eileen Bowman on 28/06/2006 22:50:52 Margaret - thats devastating for you - no words of ours can heal such a hurt - if only the authorities/social workers/adoption societies etc could understand what they do to peoples' lives with their mis/lack of information. ((((Hugs)))) Eileen Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 29/06/2006 03:28:08 first to glenn I hope that the adoption file is all that you want it to be they can make interesting reading. and jess sorry to hear that you are feeling a little wonky, I am not sure that feeling that way is due to being adopted or just life in general. This being adopted is a funny thing to deal with at times, I keep telling myself that my parents had me from the age of 9days so they loved me I don';t doubt that, but some days I do wonder why they never told me, why my birth mother parted with me, why I will never find the birth father, and why I had to wait till age 62 to find out. But overall I guess one has down days wether one is adopted or not. But we are alive and well one hopes and life is such an adventure isn't it always full of surprises, well must get back to the packing the move will take place on the 14th of july just another adventure i guess bye for now dorothy Added by Geraldine Brindle on 29/06/2006 05:06:44 Hi Margaret I'm so sorry to hear that your sister has passed away and that you never got the chance to meet her. Same thing happened to me when I searched for my birth father... he had died 6 months before I starting searching for him. Just one thing... I was surprised to read that the Salvation Army was involved with your sister's file as I've always been led to believe that they had nothing to do with adoptions. You have been a wonderful help to people all over the world... myself included and I'd like to thank you personally for that. It's amazing how we pick our selves up and dust our selves down after what life throws at us. My Best wishes Gerry PS Glen Good Luck for today. Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 29/06/2006 11:33:59 Well it finally arrived,all 60 odd pages and worth the wait. There is some conflicting details about how premature i was,anything from 6 days to six weeks,so what is nearer the truth is hard to tell. Thee are at least three references to me being an 'attractive young man',well at least i know that bit is true!LOL I dare say that i will read and re-read it over several times,but it was definately worth the wait. Glen x Added by Sheila Molyneux on 29/06/2006 12:44:32 Hi Glen, Glad to see that it was worth the wait, :O) take your time and go through it a few times, you are bound to have missed something, it's a lot to take in at once but glad to see you have a copy of it to read through, it was not that long ago people where just given scant info via the SW, which the had to jot down and try to remember. If you know where you where in hospital, try contacting them and see if they have any record of your file, you may be lucky, mind you despite having found out I was in hospital from birth on my records and BM telling me I was pretty ill for quite a while, hospital have no trace of my records (cant blame bombing raids unless one pilot was 15 years behind the rest, so it must have been one of those blazes that keep happening to adoptees records) reckon there was some pyscotic pyramaniac on the loose in the 1960's, that or they had office juniors filing who could not spell :O( Still its got here in the end, hope you get the answers you want from it. Jess Hope you feeling better to day, don't think its anything to do with being adopted, just reckon you had a bad day, here's wishing you some happier ones :O) Sheila Added by J e S S on 29/06/2006 12:47:42 well done Glen. I expect you'll come across all sorts of things that you'll question..... not least of all , how handsome a young man you were ....thats the first untruth - all babies look like Winston Churchill!! Jess x xx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 29/06/2006 17:39:40 a big hug to all who are going through an emotional time,things will get better with time bacardi xxxx Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 29/06/2006 17:58:03 Jess! That was such a low blow it was almost below the tinsel! Seriously though,the most poignant thing for me is the reference to my birth being by C-section.It does bring home the thought that with all the problems she had at the time,my b/m had a visible reminder of the time for the rest of her life,on top of the emotional problems she would have had both before,during and after my birth. I also had to smile at a reference to my adoptive parents house, 'a small house with no bathroom,but the public baths are nearby and the family have no problem using them' Oh how we lived nearly (nearly but not quite) 40 years ago. Hugs for all who need them. Glen xx Added by Marilyn Conway on 29/06/2006 21:14:11 hello...i have a question on behalf of my husband, he wants to know how long does it take a counciler to find out who arranged his adption ..its been about 2 months since he spoke to her and still hasnt heard anything,,, we would be very grateful if anyone could give an idea how long he should wait...thank you Added by Sheila Molyneux on 29/06/2006 21:25:27 Hi Marilyn, It should not take that long for them to find out who the agency was that arranged

Can I suggest that if it's considered that there's a danger that some threads will be deleted, then any copies of those threads would be just as likely to be deleted? Incidentally, no internet forum to which I've ever belonged has deleted threads from banned users just because they've been banned. I'd hate for someone to go through a huge amount of work for nothing!

Added by *** Mel in Oz *** on 02/07/2006 12:02:13 Hi All, I have just recieved an email from BM they don't come very regulary and are sometimes a bit thin on the content but they are better than nothing at all I suppose. She mentioned that my 1/2 BB would maybe like to email me one day and would that be OK. She then said that my other 1/2 BS was very upset and consumed with jealousy since my contact with BM. But has know calmed down and would one day soon like to email me. I can understand this as she has always known about her mother having a child very young but has always grown up as the eldest. I have replied to BM saying that it is fine for both of them to email me, though I am very nervous about recieving it, I also said to BM in my rather blunt fashion now that I re-read it ( I sometimes can't help it) that please let BS that I am not there to take her place as eldest in her family, that is her place as I already have my place as eldest in my adoptive family and do not need to hold that postion in both. The eldest BS lives near her father as BM is about to get married for the 3rd time next year, I don't think they are very close but who knows. It takes so long to get replies to my emails from BM anything could change in a matter of about an 8 week turn around. Sorry I have started to ramble, sometimes I can't help it see LOL Cya Melisa Added by Eileen Bowman on 03/07/2006 22:24:05 nudge Added by Zoe in London on 04/07/2006 21:00:31 nudging for Sam Added by Sam (its Raining Here) Again on 04/07/2006 21:07:00 hi just wanted to know what records would a juvenile court hold and who could view them, my dad was adopted by mum and step dad, he now wants to know more about his real dad would these records tell him anything and could i view them as he is very ill? sam Added by Bev&Kev Scott on 04/07/2006 21:48:05 Hi All Does anyone know anything about (or where I could find out about) adoption in Ireland in the 1920's or thereabouts? Many thanks Bev x Added by J e S S on 04/07/2006 21:48:34 sam, there maybe little info about his real dad, if any at all, i guess the court records in a step father adoption would be more about the potential step fathers suitibilty, than a birth fathers ...erm...'lack of' Ihe might be named and have consented, but he may not even have done that. do you even know his real fathers name. in answer to your question as to who can view- i doubt very much they'll let you Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 05/07/2006 14:22:30 bumped up for geraldine bacardi x Added by Jill Bradbury on 05/07/2006 20:28:41 Can someone please help me!!!! I am doing search for a friend who had a child in 1961 who was adopted in 1963. It is proving diffiuclt for her to get the adoption file - what information could I get from the FRC in London for her. Thanks for listening Jill PS I am adoptee who has only just found my birth family. Sadly my BM died in 1985 but have found a little brother - things are going great. Added by J e S S on 05/07/2006 21:06:01 Jill - i dont think a birth mother has a right to the adoption file, that maybe why she is finding it difficult. what is she trying to find out? You can look throught the adopted childrens register and see if you can spot the new registration, at least you know the date of birth ( or she does) jess Added by Jill Bradbury on 05/07/2006 22:06:16 Jess Yes and we know the adoption date - would that help us in the FRC. If we find a reference do we then just buy the adoption certificates. Thanks heaps for replying Jill Added by J e S S on 05/07/2006 22:11:03 well, you can. not quite sure what you'll gain from it though Added by Sam (its Raining Here) Again on 05/07/2006 22:12:53 Hi jess, yes we know his fathers real name, date of birth, i know that on mums marriage to step dad says she was divorced and thats all we know, my dad wants to know what happened to his real dad was there any half siblings etc...dad is seriosly ill and wanted to know if he had inherited from his dad. dont know where to look..Sam Added by Jill Bradbury on 05/07/2006 22:32:55 Jess I was hoping that with the exact adoption date we might be able to obtain details of the new name. Is that possible? Jill Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 05/07/2006 22:39:15 Might be worth a phone call to the GRO,asking what can and can't be done. The adoption register and birth register aren't cross referenced as such. The rule really though is that only an adoptee can apply for information themselves,it can't be done by anyone else. Glen Added by Geraldine Brindle on 06/07/2006 00:16:28 Jill Only the adopted person can view the adoption file. As a sibling of an adopted person I am not allowed to know any of the contents of my brothers adoption file... and believe me I have asked. Nor am I allowed to know which adoption agency he was adopted from or what happened to my mother after he was born. As an older sibling I was mentioned on his file and that's all they would/could tell me. I was allowed his adoptive first name as part as non identifying information. If you search on the 1963 ledger for the same sex of the adopted child (that'll reduce it by 50% :-) From the date of the adoption order... the Year of birth should stand out. It should appear from 2 weeks to 4 weeks after the order was granted.. but has been known to be longer. The adoption certificate gives the DATE of Birth. It's my understanding that for that year only the country of birth (England or Wales) is given... these days according to the GRO website place and country of birth is now given on Adoption Certificates. Hope this helps your friend. Cheers Gerry Added by *** Mel in Oz *** on 07/07/2006 06:27:07 Hi All, This is not really a question, I am just writing down my thoughts more than anything else, but let me know what you think, if you like. Why do we adoptees seek to know about our adoption so badly. It used to consume me on my birthdays almost to the point that I would think of nothing else for days before and after ( not when I was really young). I had to know, who do I look like, sound like, speak like. I am as I got older less and less like my adopted family, though I love them very much. A bit like a square peg in a round hole. I had to know. So I did the search an found BM and other family members, yes they are happy I contacted them, I think. The ones I do contact have different levels of contact so to speak, 2 are once a week, one almost 5 times a week and BM is once every couple of months ( her decision) My point is we all want to know but really we all have an appetite to know what is not a very nice story. I have yet to read anyone who has found a birth parent and the story has been heart warming, and even though they may be welcomed into the BF there are horrible stories surrounding their adoption. The reason we where adopted. So why do we search do you think. It is a bit like putting on roller skates for the very first time and going down a big big hill in them, you know you are going to get hurt but how much ???? Almost a little sadistic don't you think. Sorry to seem down maybe I am just having one of those days, I will be up tomorrow ( maybe !!! ) lol Cya Melisa Added by Dorothy Lavallee on 07/07/2006 13:39:41 this is in response to mel in oz last message, I can understand how you feel when one is having a down day, it is now 2yrs since I found out I was adopted I am the one who found out at age 62, lately I have wanted to be able to talk to my mum who died 7yrs ago on how she went from radcliffe lancs to perth scotland in war time stayed for 2 weeks at the home of my birth mohter and came back with a 9 day old baby, my dad was working on munitions at the time so she did this journey by herself. I have come to realize that there are questions that never wi

Added by J e S S on 09/07/2006 08:25:50 jennifer how sad that twins were adopted apart. One sounds as though he had it good,the other not so, that must be hard to deal with for the one that had it not so good. Not sure i agree with you on ''We would also like to say it is sometimes the people that adopt you that cause the most unhappiness with there pre-concieved ideas on how children should be raised,'' < i think people who are known to have adopted their children feel they need to put on a bit of a show - kind of give them the very best upbringing that they can? A catholic adoption agency would have loved a staunch catholic family! again- i disagree with you ''but through guilt of being taken on you always feel you have to be eternally grateful, I cant really put into words how opposed to that I feel - ( and thats only what I feel please undestand) I have never EVER felt guilty that Mum an Dad took me on - they did so because they wanted to- and, Jeepers, I'll bet there were times they wished they hadn't! Jess Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 09/07/2006 12:29:05 Hi Jennifer, How terrible it was to have twins separated, I can't imagine how disappointed his brother must feel, to have been adopted, separated from his twin and had not so good adopted parents. Hopefully he has a good family of his own now. I am grateful that my Mum and Dad adopted me and given me a great life but it is not out of guilt at all, after all they wanted me !! I did give my Mum and Dad quite a hard time in my late teens to early 20's but I am sure they now look at me with pride as to what a great job they have done. All I have to do is look at them also and think because of them I am a good person, now matter what. Ann I am pleased that you have now meet your sister, but I am sorry you did not get all you wanted out of it. You never know now the first meeting is over the emails may get more personal or sisterly and maybe the next meeting will be more of what you had hoped for the first one. Cya Mel Mel Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 09/07/2006 17:28:22 just wondering how many adoptees were adopted by parents who already had children when me and my sister were adopted my parents had 1 daughter who was 18.apparently it was her who saw us advatised in the local news paper(have looked for the advert but not yet found it) she gave up her job to help her parents to care for us.we idolized her when we were little but as me and my sister have grown up we have realized that actually she was very jelous of us,we have no contact with her now even though she lives just down the road from me,its amazing how your perseptions of people change as you grow up would like to hear of any other adoptees who have experienced this bacardi xxx Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 09/07/2006 18:34:31 hi jennifer thank you for sharing your story with us its a shame all adoptees dont have a loving adopted family,how terrible to go from a birth family into another unsecure inviroment very sad story bacardi xxxx Added by Rebecca Carter on 10/07/2006 10:13:08 Hellooo I think so, Im the only person I know who has their pets cremated (I know other people do too, but none of my friends or adoptive family.) The last 3 cats where all cremated and burried in the garden. Apart from my tigger who came to me as a stray and the house he adopted me in was bulldozed as part of a group demolishion scheme so he lives in my bedroom on the bookcase or window sill in his little box now. Bless him. Ooooh no. My birth mother had her dog cremated and now lives in her bedroom in the slightly larger box than my tigger. Bless em all xxx Added by Rebecca Carter on 10/07/2006 10:31:27 Thank you to everyone who adds their comments and experiences on here. It provides much comfort reading them that other people have gone and are going through similar thoughts, feelings, emotions etc on their journeys. I was adopted into a family with no other children and my adoptive mum loved me very dearly. since being in my late teens I have always thought and probably always will think that my adoptive father agreed to it as he knew how happy it would make my mum. sadly my adoptive mum died shortly after my 16th birthday. I longed for little brothers and sisters and used many of my birthday wishes for the hope of having some. It was my 28th birthday last week and I didnt need to wish for them anymore. a few months ago I was 'found' through this site, so fortunately (I think?) I have not had to battle with SS although I do still want to see my file at some point. I am now in contact and have met my BM and have 7 new found B.Bros and B.Sisters, even some of my B is a rollercoaster ride indeed but hopefully the highs will outweight the lows Rebecca x Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 10/07/2006 13:00:11 Hi All, Thank you Jennifer for you description of the crowd it brought a smile to my face, ohh and made me reach for the red wine. I can not even begin to image you husbands feelings, though by the sounds of you, you seem to be a very warm and caring person, the angels must have smiled on him for what he has endured and given him you. It is good of you to read this adoption thread as I am sure it would give you an insight of other adoptees. I was the eldest in my adopted family so the only sibling I had was younger than me and adopted also, so I can not comment on that. Cya Mel Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 10/07/2006 13:04:20 Hi Rebecca, I am so pleased for you to have meet your BM, BS and BB. Can I ask how did that go, if thats not to personal. My BM lives in the UK which is where I was adopted but I am pretty sure I will never meet my BM, but I do love to hear others stories. Cya Mel Added by Rebecca Carter on 10/07/2006 14:52:31 Hi Mel Thanks for your message, I have sent you a message about the first meeting. Briefly it went very well and surprisingly we all managed not to cry, we'd done so much in the weeks running up to I think we'd dried up and it was a happy day so no need for tears. You never know where your BM could be now, mine ended up about 10/12 miles away from where I grew up and my BGM is only about 10 miles from where I live now. I know its still in the same country, but there have been so many 'spookys' I'd never rule anything out. Rebecca Added by Rebecca Carter on 10/07/2006 15:27:54 Hellooo All This isnt tried or tested by me but I was under the impression that since the law change in december 2005 birth relatives of an adoptive person can apply for info? theres a link on the Norcap web page that anybody looking or wanting to know what information might be availalbe can have a nosey at the link below http://www.norcap.org.uk/birthrelativeIS.asp Hope it helps and the path isnt full of unhelpful Social Workers Rebecca x Added by Eileen Bowman on 11/07/2006 00:20:19 Well, as usual if you don't tune in for a day or two, many more amazing and touching stories appear. Is anyone else watching 'only fools on horses' Anna Rider Richardson, of Changing Rooms fame, is one of the celebs. bravely taking on Show Jumping. In one of the interviewing moments a couple of nights ago she said that she was adopted. (The show is actually to raise money for Sports Relief, but she made the point that because of being adopted she really wanted to help any underpriviledged children because she had been lucky). Also lets try to help Vicky who is thinking of setting up a website for unwanted certs. I know we have two threads for this. One for ordinary certs, and one for adoptions thanks to Honey Rum, but they keep slipping back, and we can't nudge everything for adoptees all the time 'cos other folks might get cross!!! A new website especially for adop

Andrew, its not too difficult and knowing how irrational GR can be I could well believe they would delete all Jess's threads.But they can be incompetant and will probably miss this one :-) Right I'm off out perhaps someone wants to copy and paste the rest of Chapter 5. Hey its worth a try.

Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 10/07/2006 13:00:11 Hi All, Thank you Jennifer for you description of the crowd it brought a smile to my face, ohh and made me reach for the red wine. I can not even begin to image you husbands feelings, though by the sounds of you, you seem to be a very warm and caring person, the angels must have smiled on him for what he has endured and given him you. It is good of you to read this adoption thread as I am sure it would give you an insight of other adoptees. I was the eldest in my adopted family so the only sibling I had was younger than me and adopted also, so I can not comment on that. Cya Mel Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 10/07/2006 13:04:20 Hi Rebecca, I am so pleased for you to have meet your BM, BS and BB. Can I ask how did that go, if thats not to personal. My BM lives in the UK which is where I was adopted but I am pretty sure I will never meet my BM, but I do love to hear others stories. Cya Mel Added by Rebecca Carter on 10/07/2006 14:52:31 Hi Mel Thanks for your message, I have sent you a message about the first meeting. Briefly it went very well and surprisingly we all managed not to cry, we'd done so much in the weeks running up to I think we'd dried up and it was a happy day so no need for tears. You never know where your BM could be now, mine ended up about 10/12 miles away from where I grew up and my BGM is only about 10 miles from where I live now. I know its still in the same country, but there have been so many 'spookys' I'd never rule anything out. Rebecca Added by Rebecca Carter on 10/07/2006 15:27:54 Hellooo All This isnt tried or tested by me but I was under the impression that since the law change in december 2005 birth relatives of an adoptive person can apply for info? theres a link on the Norcap web page that anybody looking or wanting to know what information might be availalbe can have a nosey at the link below http://www.norcap.org.uk/birthrelativeIS.asp Hope it helps and the path isnt full of unhelpful Social Workers Rebecca x Added by Eileen Bowman on 11/07/2006 00:20:19 Well, as usual if you don't tune in for a day or two, many more amazing and touching stories appear. Is anyone else watching 'only fools on horses' Anna Rider Richardson, of Changing Rooms fame, is one of the celebs. bravely taking on Show Jumping. In one of the interviewing moments a couple of nights ago she said that she was adopted. (The show is actually to raise money for Sports Relief, but she made the point that because of being adopted she really wanted to help any underpriviledged children because she had been lucky). Also lets try to help Vicky who is thinking of setting up a website for unwanted certs. I know we have two threads for this. One for ordinary certs, and one for adoptions thanks to Honey Rum, but they keep slipping back, and we can't nudge everything for adoptees all the time 'cos other folks might get cross!!! A new website especially for adoptees might be very useful especially if we were able to have a lot of input as to how it could be cross-referenced. I know there are lots of sites, but they all seem to lack something somewhere. My special plea would be for an area specifically for 'war babies' Time is running out for us with regard to parents. And also for our siblings and half-siblings as the generation above takes with it all sorts of little snippets of knowledge. Sorry for rambling on, but I've not been on for several days. Eileen Added by Pain In The.... on 11/07/2006 00:58:12 Hi Eileen I am planning on looking into that over the next week. I am looking for a freewebs site that doesnt have limited space. Most of them I have looked at wouldnt last long. But I will get back to you on this. I'm hoping to be able to separate it into catergories, e.g. areas, male, female etc. I will let you know how I get on Jayne Added by Pain In The.... on 11/07/2006 01:00:14 P.S If I can sort it I will be coming back on here for help and suggestions. Jayne Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 11/07/2006 13:20:35 hi all just wondering(like i do) what generation were you adopted and did oppinons differ on adoption in diffrent years i was fosterd in the 60s but officially adopted in the 70s,alot of effort was put in to place me back with my birth parents but this wasnt possible we had quiet a bit of contact with birth parents when we were younger but when 2yrs had passed and no contact had been made we were adopted would love to hear your views and stories bacardi xx Added by Rebecca Carter on 11/07/2006 16:55:13 Hi BSNO I was born in 78 and the adoption was finalised through the courts in 79. I guess I've been lucky and not had to go through SS as I was 'found' on here right at the beginning of my search. Although I have just requested my file from the agency involved. The SS dept for the area I live in have not got any funding available at the mo for post adoption support and have already allocated next years budget to helping birth relatives find adopted relatives. Quite ironic really when my older brother made attempts to find me a few years ago but was told by the agency not to go sticking his nose in the past. So I guess a big thank you to this site else nodoubt I would be a bit stuck and in limbo. Rebecca Added by Rebecca Carter on 11/07/2006 16:56:25 sorry that should say BSNI typo - whooops sorry x Added by Lorna Potter on 11/07/2006 20:49:22 Hi just droppin in with an update I have had my chat with SS well she sat telling me how I felt like all other adoptees My records are held by a trust so am still waiting for them to arrive I have got my birth cert that was interesting . No father showing at which I wasn't that surprised but apparently my BM was a domestic servant (in 1956) and apparently was an essex girl . So I reckon I have been right all along my dad is a real posh rich lord or something (yeah right) or I might be Phillips !!! LOL hmmm let me see Princess Lorna oh well time will tell I suppose SS bod doesn't seem to do anything unless I keep pesterin I hope my records are intersting after all this wait well sorry for ramblin take care all chins up Added by Eileen Bowman on 12/07/2006 00:00:35 Hi Bacardi - I was born in 1944 and adopted in 1946 - very different attitudes in those days. There were a very large number of babies available to 'cure' infertility. Not my words by the way. Mostly, if possible we were passed off as natural children of our adoptive parents.. People had moved about a lot in wartime and in many instances this could be got away with. Not in my case as I was a two-year old. My parents absolutely never made any secret about my birth, in fact my mother constantly told me how I was chosen, and told anyone else who was interested - or not. This did not always prove to be a good tactic as the stigma was still very strong then and I could easily recognise when I was being looked at as 'different'. Difficult behaviour at school was 'expected because she is adopted' Actually I think I was just bored. Being brought up to make no secret of it also backfired with some people I met. A new 'friend' faded away very quickly when it came up in conversation, and also my then boyfriend's parents did not want it to be known by his sisters. (He went on to be my ex-husband, and one of his sisters had a baby conceived well pre-marriage, and was turned out of her parents house) So 'what goes around comes around' as they say - never quite sure what it means!!! Actually I don't think that the stigma has faded very much over the years. Its a difficult call, although many more illegitimate children stay with their mother and father without wedlock, and stay with mother alone when father is out of the picture, I still feel that marriage is less hassle for the child in the long run

Added by Rebecca Carter on 11/07/2006 16:55:13 Hi BSNO I was born in 78 and the adoption was finalised through the courts in 79. I guess I've been lucky and not had to go through SS as I was 'found' on here right at the beginning of my search. Although I have just requested my file from the agency involved. The SS dept for the area I live in have not got any funding available at the mo for post adoption support and have already allocated next years budget to helping birth relatives find adopted relatives. Quite ironic really when my older brother made attempts to find me a few years ago but was told by the agency not to go sticking his nose in the past. So I guess a big thank you to this site else nodoubt I would be a bit stuck and in limbo. Rebecca Added by Rebecca Carter on 11/07/2006 16:56:25 sorry that should say BSNI typo - whooops sorry x Added by Lorna Potter on 11/07/2006 20:49:22 Hi just droppin in with an update I have had my chat with SS well she sat telling me how I felt like all other adoptees My records are held by a trust so am still waiting for them to arrive I have got my birth cert that was interesting . No father showing at which I wasn't that surprised but apparently my BM was a domestic servant (in 1956) and apparently was an essex girl . So I reckon I have been right all along my dad is a real posh rich lord or something (yeah right) or I might be Phillips !!! LOL hmmm let me see Princess Lorna oh well time will tell I suppose SS bod doesn't seem to do anything unless I keep pesterin I hope my records are intersting after all this wait well sorry for ramblin take care all chins up Added by Eileen Bowman on 12/07/2006 00:00:35 Hi Bacardi - I was born in 1944 and adopted in 1946 - very different attitudes in those days. There were a very large number of babies available to 'cure' infertility. Not my words by the way. Mostly, if possible we were passed off as natural children of our adoptive parents.. People had moved about a lot in wartime and in many instances this could be got away with. Not in my case as I was a two-year old. My parents absolutely never made any secret about my birth, in fact my mother constantly told me how I was chosen, and told anyone else who was interested - or not. This did not always prove to be a good tactic as the stigma was still very strong then and I could easily recognise when I was being looked at as 'different'. Difficult behaviour at school was 'expected because she is adopted' Actually I think I was just bored. Being brought up to make no secret of it also backfired with some people I met. A new 'friend' faded away very quickly when it came up in conversation, and also my then boyfriend's parents did not want it to be known by his sisters. (He went on to be my ex-husband, and one of his sisters had a baby conceived well pre-marriage, and was turned out of her parents house) So 'what goes around comes around' as they say - never quite sure what it means!!! Actually I don't think that the stigma has faded very much over the years. Its a difficult call, although many more illegitimate children stay with their mother and father without wedlock, and stay with mother alone when father is out of the picture, I still feel that marriage is less hassle for the child in the long run. Although I also would not like to see marriage just because of a child. All fence sitters join up here. Our elder daughter has our lovely grandson, now four and a half. She and his father split up amicably, and I think very sensibly, when baby was a few months old. They would have hated eachother had they married. Little one's father is still a valued member of our family, is now with our younger daughter, and they suit eachother very well. Elder daughter has a new 'other half' who has now been with us all for nearly four years and is a super Dadda-two or Dadda-too to our grandson.. We are very lucky, and they all get along well. They, and we, all share the little lad, and hopefully we all get the best of all worlds. Everyone has fun with him, and also everyone has a rest from him. This is important when forming new relationships that come as a package. So, as I say, I am a fence-sitter. I was brought up in a strongly church going ethos. Sex outside marriage was WRONG - how then to justify one's own existance as being obviously the product of sex outside marriage. I expect lots of academic people write lots of academic thesis about all this, but at the end of the day the reality has to be dealt with whatever way we can. By the way, does anyone know where my full sister is? her birth name was Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September 1945 in Woking Maternity Hospital, our mother Muriel Ethel M......t lived in Bisley. Eileen Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 12/07/2006 17:34:34 many thanks for your stories,im not been nosey honest,i just like to see how things were thought of and how diffrent generations relate to adoption i had a strange up bringing but my adopted parents were old enough to be my grandparents which was sometimes difficult but they did love us and i know we wouldnt of had a good upbringing if we had stayed with birth parents hugs bacardi xxxxx Added by Beverly- Michelle on 12/07/2006 19:14:06 Hi all, just been reading this thread in the hope that someone may be the sister that I have been looking for. (Born late '60's) Do you read the other thread started by Jess? And how many people do you think read this website? I have posted endless messages on the other thread in the hope that she may be reading it. Take care, Bev. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 12/07/2006 19:26:04 hi bev you can never add to many messages to any board when looking for your sister i wish you well in your search and keep us updated with your progress we love happy endings bacardi xxxx Added by Ann from Oz on 13/07/2006 01:01:14 Hi all Eileen, Just a thought....Have you tried VANISH in australia.....your sister may have moved to oz. Vanish are on the net. They are very slow didnt help my BS very much....I found more information of our BM from here.......but they maybe able to help you. I know alot of kids were brought over here from the UK in those years. Hope this is a help Hi to mel...my BM also lives in UK so I also cant see a meeting happening unless we win tattslotto. Annxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 13/07/2006 14:28:41 Thanks Ann - had not heard of Vanish, but will certainly try it. (Actually over here we have a stain remover called Vanish - lol ) I had sometimes wondered if my sister might have ended up in Australia as many couples went out there on the assisted passages shortly after the war - I'm off to the site now. Thanks again Eileen Added by Ann from Oz on 14/07/2006 02:57:41 Hi all Eileen...Found the net address for VANISH. www.vicnet.net.au/~vanish. Took me a while to find sorry. Hope this will help you. Annxx Added by Margaret Rider on 15/07/2006 18:46:03 Is there anyone who has already either met or had contact with their birth family members and now regrets doing so? I often wonder about this and how it has affected their lives. I always had this urge especially when I had my own children to know who I looked like. Do you think this is one of the main issues of why we search or do we just want to know why we were put for adoption? Margaret Added by Helen Hughes on 15/07/2006 19:20:40 I was born and adopted in 1968. My parents used to tell me a bedtime story about a baby whose mum couldnt look after her...and I just eventually realised that the baby was me. It was funny though because it wasnt a surprise - it was as though I had always known, just never thought of it before. I am finding my new search for my birth family exciting and terrifying in equal measure. My adopted mum knows I am searching and is finding it quite difficult. She is happy for me to get medical records - understands

Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 12/07/2006 17:34:34 many thanks for your stories,im not been nosey honest,i just like to see how things were thought of and how diffrent generations relate to adoption i had a strange up bringing but my adopted parents were old enough to be my grandparents which was sometimes difficult but they did love us and i know we wouldnt of had a good upbringing if we had stayed with birth parents hugs bacardi xxxxx Added by Beverly- Michelle on 12/07/2006 19:14:06 Hi all, just been reading this thread in the hope that someone may be the sister that I have been looking for. (Born late '60's) Do you read the other thread started by Jess? And how many people do you think read this website? I have posted endless messages on the other thread in the hope that she may be reading it. Take care, Bev. Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 12/07/2006 19:26:04 hi bev you can never add to many messages to any board when looking for your sister i wish you well in your search and keep us updated with your progress we love happy endings bacardi xxxx Added by Ann from Oz on 13/07/2006 01:01:14 Hi all Eileen, Just a thought....Have you tried VANISH in australia.....your sister may have moved to oz. Vanish are on the net. They are very slow didnt help my BS very much....I found more information of our BM from here.......but they maybe able to help you. I know alot of kids were brought over here from the UK in those years. Hope this is a help Hi to mel...my BM also lives in UK so I also cant see a meeting happening unless we win tattslotto. Annxx Added by Eileen Bowman on 13/07/2006 14:28:41 Thanks Ann - had not heard of Vanish, but will certainly try it. (Actually over here we have a stain remover called Vanish - lol ) I had sometimes wondered if my sister might have ended up in Australia as many couples went out there on the assisted passages shortly after the war - I'm off to the site now. Thanks again Eileen Added by Ann from Oz on 14/07/2006 02:57:41 Hi all Eileen...Found the net address for VANISH. www.vicnet.net.au/~vanish. Took me a while to find sorry. Hope this will help you. Annxx Added by Margaret Rider on 15/07/2006 18:46:03 Is there anyone who has already either met or had contact with their birth family members and now regrets doing so? I often wonder about this and how it has affected their lives. I always had this urge especially when I had my own children to know who I looked like. Do you think this is one of the main issues of why we search or do we just want to know why we were put for adoption? Margaret Added by Helen Hughes on 15/07/2006 19:20:40 I was born and adopted in 1968. My parents used to tell me a bedtime story about a baby whose mum couldnt look after her...and I just eventually realised that the baby was me. It was funny though because it wasnt a surprise - it was as though I had always known, just never thought of it before. I am finding my new search for my birth family exciting and terrifying in equal measure. My adopted mum knows I am searching and is finding it quite difficult. She is happy for me to get medical records - understands why that concerns me now I have 3 little girls of my own - but doesnt really want me to have any contact with birth mother. Is it such a mix of anxiety, guilt and curiousity for every one - or do I just have 'issues'? Oh - and the help I have received from members of this site has been absolutely amazing! Helen Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 15/07/2006 21:04:35 hi all i think it is a process all adoptees go through in there life,i felt exactly the same when i had my children we all need to know the resons behind our adoption just to move on with our life and to persue finding our birth family if you feel the need to i have meet my birth family and its not all honki doree,we come from diffrent backgrounds to start off with so i think there was always going to be problems bacardi xxxxxx Added by J e S S on 15/07/2006 21:18:07 I think my Mum and Dad always knew i'd search for my birth mother . I didnt exactly tell them I was actively doing it when I actually did , although when I got to the point of meeting BM, they knew I was going ( although i didnt tell them presisely when) .They were the first people I wanted to tell when i had done it though. I asked Mum if she minded ( afterwards, mind you!) and she said No. She said she knew it ws something i wanted to do and felt that if she'd said not to, being me, my curiosity would have taken over and I'd have wanted to do it even more! bit of reverse psychology on her part I think! Mum and Dad are totally brilliant with my full birth sister, and have met he on many occasions. Mum says - (or used to say as she now has altzheimers) - that there is no reason on this earth that we shouldn't be friends and enjoy time together - we didnt ask to be born , or seperated for that matter. I think an adoptive parents worry isnt so much that we'll abandon them in favour of Birth parents - maybe some do- but Mum and Dad said their only worry was that I would get hurt in the process of finding out. Jess Added by Margaret Rider on 16/07/2006 14:26:33 In the 1940's and 50's there was little known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Through their research authorities have determined that when the mother/child entity is split it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. Repercussions are ominous and tenacious though they are deeply buried inside and remain throughout both the mother and childs life. A child's first experience with the adoptive family is in everyone elses happiness over his or her tragedy. There is a belief that even love will make it disappear. Some experts even think that this dismissal to be the adoptee's second trauma. Many adoptees have often been told that their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away! What sense does this make? If my mother loved me so much then why did she give me away - therefore there must be something wrong with me which then creates low self-esteem. Low self-esteem leads to pleasing people. Often adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. For many adoptees it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over many circumstances that other people can overcome with relative ease. We can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives. Often we can become depressed. No matter how much love and care we are given the truth still is that we are someone elses child. We exhaust ourselves emotionally pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment. We also place a lot of energy in wondering what our birth mother was like. Trust is a common problem among adoptees. Do we tend to trust anyone and everyone? Abandonment is another issue - does this feeling ever leave us? Despite all the above adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. Next time you encounter a happy and grateful adoptee who had wonderful adoptive parents and a wonderful life have a little closer look! The above is not written to hurt anyone but I believe there is a great deal of truth in this for a lot of adoptees. It would be nice to hear your views on this. Margaret Added by J e S S on 16/07/2006 14:33:49 I think I agree quite with a lot of what you say - however not particually for the reasons you say. quote: ''Next time you encounter a happy and grateful adoptee who had wonderful adoptive parents and a wonderful life have a little closer look!'' What do I look for? - I'm looking at me.I'm a reasonably happy adoptee - I f i look at everything that happens to me as deep seated in my adoptive circumstances I think I'd go off my trolley! jess Added by Margaret Rider on 16/07/2006 14:49:31 Yes Jess Perhaps I w

I think an adoptive parents worry isnt so much that we'll abandon them in favour of Birth parents - maybe some do- but Mum and Dad said their only worry was that I would get hurt in the process of finding out. Jess Added by Margaret Rider on 16/07/2006 14:26:33 In the 1940's and 50's there was little known about the power of the bond between mother and child. Through their research authorities have determined that when the mother/child entity is split it causes an acute and lasting trauma in both mother and child. Repercussions are ominous and tenacious though they are deeply buried inside and remain throughout both the mother and childs life. A child's first experience with the adoptive family is in everyone elses happiness over his or her tragedy. There is a belief that even love will make it disappear. Some experts even think that this dismissal to be the adoptee's second trauma. Many adoptees have often been told that their mothers loved them so much that they gave them away! What sense does this make? If my mother loved me so much then why did she give me away - therefore there must be something wrong with me which then creates low self-esteem. Low self-esteem leads to pleasing people. Often adoptees are exemplary people-pleasers. For many adoptees it is easy to fall into despair and feel powerless over many circumstances that other people can overcome with relative ease. We can become obsessed with controlling other parts of our lives. Often we can become depressed. No matter how much love and care we are given the truth still is that we are someone elses child. We exhaust ourselves emotionally pretending otherwise because we believe it will ensure our survival and prevent another abandonment. We also place a lot of energy in wondering what our birth mother was like. Trust is a common problem among adoptees. Do we tend to trust anyone and everyone? Abandonment is another issue - does this feeling ever leave us? Despite all the above adoptees smile. We smile to hide a world of hurt that neither we nor the rest of the world want to face. Next time you encounter a happy and grateful adoptee who had wonderful adoptive parents and a wonderful life have a little closer look! The above is not written to hurt anyone but I believe there is a great deal of truth in this for a lot of adoptees. It would be nice to hear your views on this. Margaret Added by J e S S on 16/07/2006 14:33:49 I think I agree quite with a lot of what you say - however not particually for the reasons you say. quote: ''Next time you encounter a happy and grateful adoptee who had wonderful adoptive parents and a wonderful life have a little closer look!'' What do I look for? - I'm looking at me.I'm a reasonably happy adoptee - I f i look at everything that happens to me as deep seated in my adoptive circumstances I think I'd go off my trolley! jess Added by Margaret Rider on 16/07/2006 14:49:31 Yes Jess Perhaps I worded that part wrongly as I was going far too deep into how some adoptees express their emotions and try and hide others. Added by Helen Hughes on 16/07/2006 16:26:44 I also agree with a lot of what you said - but not all. I know that during my teens I did a lot of wallowing - 'even my natural mother didn't want me' etc, however all my none adopted friends were equally full of angst - it just focussed on different things. Not a few of them were convinced they were adopted - and a few even felt that they ought to have been! I am not being flippant, adoption carries hurt, of course it does, but what I mean is that so does life, every one has doubts, concerns, worries, pre-occupations. I know that I have had periods in my life where I have linked all my negative feelings and experiences to being adopted - but I am not just adopted, I am a complete, complicated messy human being and one fact, however important does not completely define me, nor did it completely create me. Added by Eileen Bowman on 16/07/2006 23:38:43 Helen, Jess, and Margaret You have put so well what many of us feel - it is very difficult to make sense of being abandoned, and being 'chosen'. There is the feeling of being responsible for making the adoptive parents 'happy', when one is not actually happy oneself, and the insecurity of needing to 'be good and grateful' in case you get 'sent back' to someone who gave you away. I would add to that the need to cling onto things, people, places. Also a need to control and sort ones things and thoughts into boxes, both real and in ones mind. If things are controlled, they are safe and cannot be lost or disposed of. I was born in 1944, in my class at school there were 28 girls, five of us were adopted. Eileen Added by Ann from Oz on 17/07/2006 00:24:53 Hi all Well everyone has really got deep this week. It got me to remember my mothers story of my adoption. Which always made me think of that song. How much is that Doggy in the window. My mum always loved her story of my selection. I did as a kid but as I got older I realised how close I was to not being picked. A room full of babies and they made my mum pick me out of them all. They told her she picked the right kid....yeah right. But in remembering all that I must say I would rather be adopted then fostered. Most of us got the real family deal....foster kids dont. I think that its is up to the individual about how our lives turn out. I am not clingy and overneeding for people. But it took me along time for the confidence to come to me. I was always shy. My sister was the opposite to me, confident and she was adopted first. She is also not a clingy person. And we both are not horders of things. Thank you all, its been really interesting. Annxx

How much is that Doggy in the window. My mum always loved her story of my selection. I did as a kid but as I got older I realised how close I was to not being picked. A room full of babies and they made my mum pick me out of them all. They told her she picked the right kid....yeah right. But in remembering all that I must say I would rather be adopted then fostered. Most of us got the real family deal....foster kids dont. I think that its is up to the individual about how our lives turn out. I am not clingy and overneeding for people. But it took me along time for the confidence to come to me. I was always shy. My sister was the opposite to me, confident and she was adopted first. She is also not a clingy person. And we both are not horders of things. Thank you all, its been really interesting. Annxx Added by J e S S on 17/07/2006 08:31:51 Eileen ( and anyone else) I just think i am what i am, much as your adoptive parents shaped what we are to some extent, in the bigger part , I think we are as we would be if we had not been adopted. I'm sensitive , my mum isnt particually( not sayings she 's hard, because she's not) Yes, i went through the ..''if you hadn't adopted me blah blah blah'' when i was a teenager, but I think every kid has that , except they throw back ''if you hadn't had me blah blah'' i think my theory holds out because of they way that my full birth sister and i are so alike, despite totally different upbringings. Put us back together today and we are like 'two peas in a pod' - had we grown up together I am sure this would not have been the case. not sure if we are like our birth mother though - we dont know her well enough to say- what we do know of her, we hope not! Sometimes us adoptees need to dig dep into our thoughts, i think its good to hurl these thoughts into this pot - certainly helps me feel better sometimes! Jess x Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 17/07/2006 14:56:21 bumped to help a fellow adoptee bacardi x Added by Helen Hughes on 17/07/2006 19:30:40 Not sharing experiences or feelings 100% does not make them wrong. If I feel one way and say so, that is not meant in anyway to devalue the different thoughts, feelings and experiences of another person - and I apologise wholeheartedly if you thought I was doing so by not entirely agreeing with the thoughts of another. I have never had the opportunity to discuss my adoption with other adoptees before. I am finding the experience extremely valuable and moving. As adoptees we inevitably share many things, but we are also all individuals and will feel and view these things in unique ways. I am very close to my adopted family - but cannot assume that all adoptees will be. Some will not have the happy experiences I have had. Some people have already managed to trace their birth families, some have established relationships with them, I have not yet been able to trace my birth mother - my experiences differ - but are neither more or less important or right. I came on to this strand because it seemed to be a place where people could talk to each other honestly - and I felt that I would gain from this. I am at the beginning of my search for my natural mother. I have no idea if this is going to end well or desperately badly - or indeed with no definite resolution at all. I feel excited, frustrated and oh so very, very frightened right now. It does help to have all of your discussions to draw on. An online support network peopled by people I dont know and have never met but I feel certain will understand how I feel, even if they feel different things. Thank you all, Helen. Added by Margaret Rider on 18/07/2006 10:53:37 Hi everyone - It is quite important the message Jennifer wrote - that we should exchange views and learn from each other and not to disagree as every case is so very different. My heart does go out to those that are still searching for their birth families. It is certainly a ride that can bring such joy but also a great deal of sadness. I was originally taken out of the family home and sent to a baby 'hostel' in Gloucestershire, taken for adoption and then returned to birth mother as they had changed their minds! I stayed with her until the day after I had my first birthday and then adopted to the parents who brought me up and gave me a wonderful live but I had to be a high achiever in everything I did and the pressure on me was very high...................does this ring a bell with other adoptees? I was loved a great deal but I still needed to search! Yes some people have wonderful lives when they are adopted and some very very sad ones like a friend of mine. Some people have no wish in the least to try and find their birth families and are very happy and contented and would hate the thought that someone was 'looking for them'. So why do we search? Margaret Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 18/07/2006 12:18:10 Hi All, I am glued to this thread at the moment for the stories that I am reading, and have so many different emotions with reading them. I too have never had the opportunity to discuss my adoption or the feelings that go with it either, but now that I have I feel so much better to not feel so isolated with my thoughts and feelings. I am a normal adoptee ( or as normal as we can be) lol Why do we search ? I have no idea but I did it. I now feel better and more at peace for it, even though some parts of it where devastating. If I could have my time over I would do it again. For me it is better to know than not to know at all. ( Hope that makes sense) Cya Melisa Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 18/07/2006 12:45:08 Hi all It isn't till you start to read these threads that you stop and think.While we all seek some answers the questions we ask and why we ask them are all for our own personal reasons,but one thing does shine through,although we all feel that we are unique we do have a common thing between us. How many adoptees have wished that they could have seen these threads BEFORE they started their own journey,more than a handful i'll bet.Things seem black and white until you see these threads. It doesn't matter how supportive your nearest and dearest are,they can never quite understand how we feel,why we feel the way we do,or realise how small things can have the biggest impact. Thanks everyone for sharing our experiences. Glen

Added by &#1645;&#1645;Mel in Oz &#1645;&#1645; on 18/07/2006 12:18:10 Hi All, I am glued to this thread at the moment for the stories that I am reading, and have so many different emotions with reading them. I too have never had the opportunity to discuss my adoption or the feelings that go with it either, but now that I have I feel so much better to not feel so isolated with my thoughts and feelings. I am a normal adoptee ( or as normal as we can be) lol Why do we search ? I have no idea but I did it. I now feel better and more at peace for it, even though some parts of it where devastating. If I could have my time over I would do it again. For me it is better to know than not to know at all. ( Hope that makes sense) Cya Melisa Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 18/07/2006 12:45:08 Hi all It isn't till you start to read these threads that you stop and think.While we all seek some answers the questions we ask and why we ask them are all for our own personal reasons,but one thing does shine through,although we all feel that we are unique we do have a common thing between us. How many adoptees have wished that they could have seen these threads BEFORE they started their own journey,more than a handful i'll bet.Things seem black and white until you see these threads. It doesn't matter how supportive your nearest and dearest are,they can never quite understand how we feel,why we feel the way we do,or realise how small things can have the biggest impact. Thanks everyone for sharing our experiences. Glen

Added by Donna King on 18/07/2006 14:07:47 Hi I have been following this thread for ages and at last have plucked up the courage to reply. I too wish I seen this thread before going on my own journey, it is a huge relief to see other people who go through the same experiences as yourself. For me the journey was happy with some upsets on the way. The end has at last banished the empty feeling, which as a child I described as feeling as if I had landed from Mars with no idendity, nobody looking like me, an alien name, and no past only future. Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 18/07/2006 14:51:09 Welcome Donna - This is one of the few threads on GR where we can all think different things, talk about them, bat them to and fro and not fall out about it! Everyones journey - (because that is what i think of it as) is different . what worked for me, maybe completely wrong for you or vice versa. having made my journey - which was a total push out into the unknown, its no good anyone trying to draw you a map either - there is no map, because there is no right or wrong way. Everyone does the journey at their own speed and in their own time. ( Social workers imput being slowest of them all!) Have i finished my journey ?- no idea, i have done what i want to for now - have 3 half siblings not an hour away. I know where they are and they know where i am. Not met them, or have any burning desire to do so.However if one of them rang me tommorow, i'd be there like a shot i guess !! Please, feel free to throw things into the pot, we can all stir it around and see what comes out of it for us, the more views the better jess x Added by Helen Hughes on 18/07/2006 16:33:41 Hi, again, A close relative, also adopted, has no desire to trace at all - and cannot understand why I would want to, we share the same background but are totally different - look at the world differently and want totallly different things. Each to their own - obviously. I am not always entirely sure why I want to trace my birth family, I just know that I do. Its part of who I am. I know if I do not follow this through it will nag away at me - like before I started my own family, I didnt choose to want children - I just did. So here I am, blundering through, making it up as I go along (although, to be fair, with some superb support, guidance and help from someone who contacted me when I first came on this site) and just hoping it doesnt all explode in my face - although I am aware that it might. I suppose it's just a gap in me that needs filing - one way or another. It would be soooooo much easier if we all came with an instruction manual wouldnt it? Helen x x Added by Helen Hughes on 18/07/2006 16:35:26 Oh yes - and well done Donna, good for you! I am glad your end result was a positive one. Added by Donna King on 18/07/2006 16:57:33 Hello Again Good luck in your journey Helen. Have to say even though I said end, guess it is still an ongoing journey has relationships have to be worked at. Am in verbal contact with BF have yet to pluck the courage up to meet him! My one regret is that I wish we could keep more of our records once they have been located. I had a great social worker assigned to help (she was very caring), when I read my notes some aspects were upsetting and I was not able to take in everything at once. One good aspect was to find my christian name was the one I was given at birth. Although I wish my adoptive parents had been able to tell me that. Donna Added by Helen Hughes on 18/07/2006 17:04:37 Thank you. I cant find any trace of BF, now have a lot of background information about BM and family - but very much at the start of the process. I know what you mean about plucking up the courage though - the first e-mail I received from this site was an offer of help - and that had me in a total panic - what should I say, what should I do . . so heaven help me when it comes to direct contact (if indeed ever). Still, like everything, will cope with that when/if arises. Courage definitely seems to be a common attribute shared amongst everyone on this thread! Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 18/07/2006 17:16:33 I bet there is one thing that nearly all of us have done when the question of contact comes up, Had a really good think about what we want to say,type it out,delete it,retype it (and probably do that several times) then hit send,and then wonder what we have done! If i could change one thing it would have been to wait for a day before i answered that first reply i received. Not that things went badly,far from it,but with hindsight i would have been better to have a long think before i sent a reply. The GR homepage is very misleading when you see the success story 'within four hours...........'. It makes it look like every birth family is just waiting for you to send a message,not quite the truth as we all know. Glen Added by Helen Hughes on 18/07/2006 17:20:14 Oh I am so glad that its not just me!

Added by Helen Hughes on 18/07/2006 17:20:14 Oh I am so glad that its not just me! Added by Jess bow bag Bobbin Dog on 18/07/2006 18:10:19 Helen, of course it not just you! My meeting with my birth mother has a tale that goes with it. S/w arranged the meet for me, B/m said ok, but in a public place - not keen on that myself , but went along with it. Arrange to meet under the clock tower in Luton ( why? she didnt even live in Luton, nor did I!) at 11am. being me, and somewhat anxious ( !) Off i set to drive down the M1 nice and early, in case of traffic etc. No idea how i was going to recognise her or anything - just hoped she'd be obvious under the clock i suppose. Not keen on motorway driving and feeling sick as a pig ( what was I about to let myself in for- not a month before this woman had denied having me!) So, finds somewhere to park, and put a small fortune in the meter , now realising that leaving home at 8.30 was a little extreme, as it was still only 9.25! Goes for a wander about, cup of coffee etc etc, and at 10.30 find a bench on the square, stop, sit and people watch. maybe i'll spot her coming... 10.45 comes round, getting bored now, want to get on with it. continue sitting. 10.55- still no sign of anyone standing around waiting for anyone 11.00- Clock tower stikes the hour, still no-one 11.10, still sitting there, no-one has materialised ..yet 11.30, spots a phone box and rings social worker, absolute floods of tears, ''she didnt show'' At this point social worker informs me she'd had a telephone call from B/M to say she was ill and wouldnt be able to make it, and had tried to phone me, ( way before the days of moblies), Finds car , drives home , does it all agian another day ( that is another story though!) Jess x Added by Margaret Rider on 18/07/2006 18:42:29 I wish Helen all the best in her search and hope it goes well for her. Regarding Donna's message weren't you allowed to have photo copies of your file? In one way I was lucky as being disabled the social worker came to my house with my file and left it with me for a short while so I was able to copy everything and also keep all the handwritten papers from my birth mother. She thought it best that I read the file when she had gone. I have read and read again so many times my own file and still I see something different or a different view on something that had been written down. Although the social worker knew I had been in contact with my birth mother for over 20yrs she didn't realise I had no idea who my father was other than being in the army.(In all those years of contact my birth mother she would not discuss my father). The great shock I had and I wasn't prepared for that was seeing his name, address and details at the end of my file. Also there was this small photo which had been cut in half of myself aged about 3months old............the first photo I had seen of myself before the age of 1yr old after I had been adopted. To find that after 59yrs was wonderful and something I will always treasure. Margaret Added by Bacardi Slice No Ice on 18/07/2006 20:53:14 some wonderfull stories on here lately i wish every one well in there search i have meet some of my birth family but not my actual birth parents and wondering does it put more of a closure on peoples needs when they have met there birth parents.i feel as i have all the info i need to know about my adoption and the reasons from my birth family and my file.all i realy need to know from my birth parents is why and only they can answer that question.i have big resevations about meeting them and all my life iv not had the desire to meet them. bacardi xx Added by Glen in Tinsel Knickers on 18/07/2006 22:04:28 Hi Bacardi That is something only you can answer,just ask yourself is the need to know greater than the need not to? When we make a start on this trip i think we all dream of meeting birth parents,but it doesn't mean that we have to. There is always the option to hold back,or let things stay as they are. Take a deep breath,have a good think,then deep breath again. It doesn't have to happen now,or even next week,if it is the right thing to do it will happen. Glen