Genealogy Chat

20 yrs ago my Aunty tried to do her Family Tree. My grandma (her mother) wouldn't give anything. A yr ago my grandma had a bad fall and she isn't too well apart from her memory. 6 months ago i started doing My Tree and she has told me everything. I never pushed her but I have a feeling that she wants things known now. We have even found out about a child she had that died my Dad and Aunty never knew they had a brother. My advice is don't push just say what your doing and see what happens. Tracy x

Often facts just disappear because bits of the family have fallen out over stupid small things. My father's two uncles fell out back in the 1950s over a dispute over what happened to four dining chairs that had originally belonged to their sister - my father's mother. My father had inherited them, but had passed two of the six to his maiden aunt who had been a nanny all her life and had no home of her own when she retired. This had been totally forgotten about for years as it had happened at the end of the war when no-one was likely to take much note of the fate of two chairs. The other four he had given to a close friend who was setting up home after the war when there was no furniture available. They were his to give away. When the aunt died, the two brothers wanted to know where the other four chairs were.No-one could remember for months, by which time the two brothers, actually spurred on by their two wives, had reached the point of no return, and as far as we knew, never spoke again. A very sad, and silly outcome. I was a small child at the time, and thereby lost two great-uncles of whom I was fond, and also a second cousin, grandson of one of the uncles. He probably does not know why the family lost contact, but if he does recognise the story it would be nice to hear from him. Talking of family bibles and photos, husband's sister took all that stuff on their side of the family when husband' mother died, and did not offer my husband so much as a vase or a 'photo. She also made off with, legally - just - but not morally, with £75,000 which had been left to my husband, but which she said mother had 'given' her, just before she died. Yeah, right......' We don't talk to the sister now!!!!! Thereby our children and hers have permanently lost their cousins.

Im trying to find out more information about my nans sister, my nan died in 1970 and mum has been brilliant telling me things and she is 81, but my mums cousin wont tell me anything, his mum died not long after my nan and everytime I ask he says its so sad talking about his mum. My dad has been brilliant hes 87, its his fault Im doing all of this and he told me everything, didnt think he had so many ancestors. Im afraid you will just have to grin and bear it, even though its so frustrating at times. I wish my nan could have lived longer she would have told me so much. Regards Yvonne

My grandmother died last october, a few weeks before she had said she would show me a photo of her parents, unfortunately she didn't get around to it. Now i believe my uncle has all the family papers, i have asked to see certs and photos but i get not even a reply. I managed to get some lovely pics of my gt grandfather on my grandads side, i copied them all and was so excited to pass them on, not a word did i get back, not a thanks or 'oh don't i look like him' absolutely diddly squat!! The whole family know that i have been doing this for ages, even if they are not interested what difference does it make to let me see the stuff instead of having to fork out again for certs that i know are in my uncles house not 10mins away. yvette (dont get me started!!) sorry to rant just get soooo frustrated that i would like to..........better stop the red mist is coming!!!

I'm sorry to say that in some cases it is also sheer bloody-mindedness on the part of certain family members. My husband's brother was living with his parents when they died some years back,he would never allow his siblings access to any family papers. B.D.M. certs etc.. Since starting the family tree we have asked B.I.L. for photocopies of any certificates, memorial cards etc. that he has in his possession but he just ignores it, although we know he has these as he has sent very brief info to another family member. I recently obtained a photograph of their Grandfather, through another GR member. None of the family had seen him so I sent copies to all as I knew they would love to see what he looked like. I have also sent BIL all the details we have found out about the family but he still wont part with the info we have asked him for, its a good thing they are available elsewhere.

When I was young I had no-one to ask except my parents,as we had no relatives.Why havent I got a granny,aunt,uncle.? was always told to stop mithering.My mother told me a little,never named christian names,wasnt sure of her own maiden name.I have never found her birth cert.My father said nothing at all,except he was born in Ireland(,he wasnt)She lived with me,died at 75,and kept her mouth shut to the end.I have spent over 20 years of looking,before computers,looked through loads of registers,joined several F.H.soc.been despondent,excited,frustrated.and driven mad.My advice,to anyone that has elderly relatives still here is ASK BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.MITHER,MITHER,MITHER,wear them down.You will be sorry,and want to kick yourself when its too late.I feel that I should have tied my mother to a chair and beat it out of her.( I loved her dearly) Good luck to all. Margaret.

Sometimes the problem with being sensitive is that you don't know what the issue is. I started doing family history about 20 years ago but gave it up as it was too hard at the time. But before I did stop I asked my mum an innocent question 'Was Auutie X born premature?' expecting a yes answer. She quickly came into the room, said no and asked why. I said that the dates didn't add up between my grandparents marriage and her birth. Mum said yes, we know but don't tell your Grandmother we know. It's just pure luck I didn't ask my Grandma the question. Most of the info I had then was from her. (oh why didn't I ask so much more then?) A Great Aunt has gone to her grave denying that we are descended from a convict. Until about 40 years ago this was quite shameful and my aunt denied it. If I'd discovered this and talked to her about it I would have upset her greatly but again I wouldn't have known before it happened. We just have to be very careful about what we ask and say in this search. Toni

I found out the my MIL had a brother who was born after her and died at 8 months in 1918. She is amazed (we broached the subject very gently) and can't believe it was never mentioned. I said that as she was only 3 when he died it may have been talked about at the time and by the time she was older it wasn't discussed any more. I am amazed at some of the things I have found about my own family. I'm pretty my Mum never knew some of the things as we spoke about family regularly and she was very upfront about everything. I wish she were here now, she would have loved it. Linda

I can understand all the frustrations everyone feels, i too have felt frustrated over my family reactions. I always talked to my grandad about the family from about the age of 12, (I started young!!) He always told me that aunt alice - his sister had the family bible with all the stuff in it. Well i did go and see her, told her what i was doing, and asked to see it, her reply was 'no, i am not getting it out you will have to do the hard way' she died not long after, aged about 90 ish. She had 2 daughters and one son, now another cousin has asked one of the daughters about the bible and they deny all knowledge, but alice must have had it as she indicated in her reply, its a big deal to me, i wouldn't dreamed of removing/keeping anything i just so badly wanted to see my link and the info from the past. I feel so cheated as i have known about this book for so long (i am 44 now) I guess now we should just forget it, although i have asked for an alert from ebay should it ever turn up. yvette

In the case of my partner's mother it was her own father she wanted to know about. There is something very 'fishy' about the whole thing. She had money and gifts sent to her throughout her childhood. Her mother then went to Canada to start a new life with a 'loan' from what we suspect was the money that had had been intended to set her daughter up. She never repayed it. Her life has always been one of scratching a living. When the grandmother died she left all the land she had aquired to her 8 children in Canada and to my partner's mother - my partner's mother has never seen a penny of it. I have somewhat strong feelings about the grandmother ....

I think as long as youre polite and dont put pressure on people, its ok asking. I havent asked about anything v personal, only general questions, and I wont keep going on about it - she hasnt got an interest in the family, so I will accept and respect that. I just wish she could understand how valuable her info is to me! The sort of stuff you dont find on census transcripts, or certificates.

I do think that you have to respect people's wishes not to have their own parentage, or their parents' parentage, researched. Often the reason is that they were illegitimate or one of their parents was, and they do not want anybody to know, and surely that is fair enough? Kate.

There is also a mentality prevalent in generations born early 20thcentury that their generation is their own and their business-wierd -as if they have forgotten that countless generations came before and will go after......as for the hush hsh stuff...it beggars belief sometimes.........my dad knew of an uncle frank,same name as himself....his dads elder brother...as a child it was always hush hush....no-one was to ask about him etc....so your imagination goes into overdrive.....through genesIve discovered why,and it wasnt anything to be ashamed about...it was just sad,very sad......a chap on this site informed me thathe had married his grandmothers sister ,then he went off to war and was killed-she died a year later aged 26,childless.....he sent me a photo which I have passed on to my dad......apparently both brothers went to Gallipoli,only one came back,hence the silence of guilt,the guilt of survival.

My partner does not know who is grandfather is. His mother was never told. Her mother moved to Canada when she was young and never told her. His mother was always too frightened to ask - she when to canada regularly, twice with the intention of asking, but never did. His grandmother died a few years ago without telling her and left no clues. He finds it very frustrating. His mother is upset that she will never know.

I know just how you feel when I approach my dad's brother to tell me about the family all I get from him is 'what do you want to know all that rubbish for it is in the past' it does annoy me because he could tell me so much, my dad has passed on and I just wished I had asked him when he was alive, but same old story I wasn't interested then Sue

I think we should always bear in mind that just as we feel we have the right to ask questions, those being asked have the same right not to answer. When talking to elderly relatives, I found it best to ask them about their childhood reminiscences - where they lived, went to school, any relatives living nearby that they had contact with etc. If they mentioned names, that gave me the opportunity to ask things like was that your Mum's sister or your Dad's, were there any more brothers & sisters, where did they live etc etc? Most of us are selective about what personal information we pass onto others, so should we be surprised to find out that others are the same? Jay

Rebekah, I honestly think that the older generations dont really know anything as alot of stuff was not talked about and brushed under the carpet. I have an Aunt in her 70's and she is young at heart and would tell me everything she knows. She has been amazed at what I have found out. Sometimes I think she thinks I am making it up or there must be some mistake! I think the same thinks went on years ago as they do today ie unmarried mothers and affairs but they were not talked about. Sara

I also know what you mean. Both my late nan and g gran allways said 'its best left' so forget it. Nan swore her name was Molly but it turns out she was a Mary Ann and her mother swore that both her parents died when she was a baby and that she was an only child. My questions were never answered as its 'best left' but after their deaths I have found that her parents had a good long life and that she had 6 siblings. Why! Perhaps i`ll never know. Denise.

Hi I would just research your family I was told to leave well alone with a certain part of the family and discovered that eveything they told me was untrue. I told my rellies I need to now about the history of my family and they have to accept that, they dont so I dont tell those family members anything any more I only discuss it with those that do. You will find it is amazing what you can find out about them just researching. good luck Gwen

Thanks Jennifer. Ive ordered a lot of certs and will continue to, its just things like 'What did the ladys grandmother look like?' And 'Did she accept her husbands 5 children from his first marriage?' Etc.