General Chat

mum will be ok just give her time

As a Mum I can understand she will be upset that you are both moving away from her, but I hope I would never ever try to stop our girls living their own lives.

One of our daughters is planning to live abroad in a few years, it will break my heart to see her go, but I would never ever try to make her feel guilty about making that move.

It's her life, not mine.

xx

Again - thanks for your thoughts etc


Liz - let me start by telling you I am a Taurean lol - so now you know straight off how stubborn I can be - be it for the better or worse lol

I said to my brother I regretted hanging up on Mum last night, cos I wont ring now and she prolly wont for ages - but if I had continued the call it would have deteriorated even more than it had ................

I guess all I can do is what I do best - put it down in writing and enclose it with a lovely Mother's Day card.

I can understand that she is scared - crikey I'M scared!! and i understand that she is worried and upset etc - but I can also see that she is being selfish too - I have been on her doorstep for the past 21 years ............... in another 21 years I will be 66 - TOO LATE !! that's what she needs to understand I think ? ??

Anne, I had the guilt stuff from my Mum for all my life, and turned down chances to keep her happy. Boy do I regret it now! I should have followed my dreams and not been so worried that I was upsetting her, but when you have your uncles and aunts as well as your father telling you how you are hurting and upsetting your mother, you start to believe you owe her something! I try hard not to do that with my son altho as a Cancerian he seems to be very much a home bird so not sure where he will end up lol
Just stick to your plans, ask your Mum if she would like to help you with your decisions, i.e. show her where you are thinking of going and if you are buying a property there, show her the choices etc and keep her informed to some extent, and I am sure she will come round in the end. You don't have to tell her everything, just enough to make her think she is involved and you are not shutting her out.
Good luck
Lizx

Hi McAnne,
My sister is feeling a bit like your mum now. Her husband died last May, her son had a daughter last April (so has his own life) and now her daughter - her biggest prop since the death of my BIL has decided to go to Australia. Sis is very upset - yet she herself upped sticks and went to Ireland for 10 years, She is trying not'to show she's upset - she can see the hypocrasy of it, and I'm a bit of a nagger!!
I went up to the Shetland isles,and around Scotland for a while and a few years later my mum went to Portugal, one brother went to live in Thailand In fact, when I was 15 - my mum left me to live with dad in Saudi Arabia!!
It isn't the end of the world!! There are telephones, the internet, webcams etc. People being far away means a good reason for a get together (see what we're doing for mothers day lol)
Being far from each other means it's difficult to argue and fall out!!

Your mums just panicking at the moment. She has to realise it's the beginning of another phase of her life - she may not be looking forward to it, but she must grasp it and not think she's too old for change!!

maggie

Thank you for all your comments and shared experiences - it all helps to put everything into persepctive.................. xx

Anita,
I know what you are going through.
My mother thought I'd gone to the ends of the earth when we moved to Wales from Manchester 46 years ago,as in the old days it seems you had a duty to visit your parents at least once a week.At that time she had my dad,but after he died in 1980,I was her prop and lived 100 miles away,and living on my own,with a very stressful high powered job.
Until she died in 2004 aged 92 she used emotional blackmail on me.I went every week,but all I heard was moans.
For heavens sake,be strong,and don't give in.
I know it is only because they love you,but it comes out as a very selfish"poor me".YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE TO LIVE!!
We found it difficult to go away for any length of time,and the guilt you feel really gets to you.I am an only one,so that made it worse.
Now I have 2 sons in Oz with their families.I have told them to let me know if I get like grandma.I only want them to come because they want to,and not a duty.Of course you miss them,and especially the children growing up,but,it is their choice,and who can blame them?
Just before my mum died she apologised to me,and said"I've spoilt your life"
The unfortunate thing is that now we could go away without the worry,my OH is on 24hr oxygen and it has restricted us.
So don't let your life go on wishing you could make a change.Make a decision and do it while you can,instead of what if!
She will come to terms with it,as we all have to,and it could make her a more confident person!

Brenda x x

Its a natural reaction shes hurt because your going to move away.

Sometimes people deal with hurt by lashing out.

ive it time - I am sure you are right and she is just as upset as you are right now.

But dont put your life and that of your family on hold for your mum. She should understand - having made a large move herself when you were you younger.

Our pure instincts as mothers are to keep our children close to us. I am sure your mother will come to terms with your leaving, Anne, and will turn it into a positive thing. She is probably in shock right now, give her time but don't give in! You are at the start of an exciting new phase of your life. Enjoy... BC XX

I am sure she will come round but she is just being a Mum, yes maybe she is being selfish but she is going to miss you. I am sure though that she would not really want you to pass up an opportunity on her say so.

Ann
Glos

Thats what mums and dads are like,they don,t want you too far away,tell her to think of the Holidays you can share together over there. **M**.xx.

Anita,

you dont live at home now so its only your nearness that will be missing ..tell her you need her behind you and you will really need her advise and welcome hints ,involve her she wont feel so left out,,,,,

MY MOTHERS BEHAVIOUR WHEN MY HUSBAND MYSELF AND YOUNG CHILDREN HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE TO CANADA
YRS AGO, STOPPED US FROM GOING. SHE SAID "HO DONT BOTHER ABOUT ME LEFT HERE" IN A SARCASTIC MANNER. ETC I WISH WE HAD GONE BUT ITS TOO LATE NOW. WHEN MY ELDEST MOVED 200 MILES AWAY I SAID GOOD LUCK. NOW ENJOY VISITING HER ITS LIKE A MINI HOLIDAY. AND WHEN MY DAUGHTER AND SON IN LAW WERE THINKING OF MOVING TO CANADA THEMSELVES I THOUGHT GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR THEM , AND I CAN HAVE LOVELY VISITS. ANN DONT LET YOUR MUM STOP YOU MOVING. ITS A BIT SELFISH ON HER PART. FOR HEAVENS SAKE YOUR NOT MOVING TO AUSTRALIA. YOUR MUM WILL COME ROUND. IF SHE DOESNT YOU STILL HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS YOU WISH. I WOULD NEVER STOP MY DAUGHTERS WITH THE GUILT THING.GOOD LUCK ANN.

I even joked to her when Dad was 'performing' ..........

'do you want to come to Ireland with me lol?'

and she said 'Yes please'

I dont understand tho - cos i told them on Fri eve of my plans - nothing much was said - spent a good part of Sat with them cos my niece was stayin - still nothing said and nothing yesterday ..............

thought it was too good to be true

Hi Mc Anne

my mum and dad did exactly what they wanted even when we were younger and we just had to fit in with their plans.When I was xpecting my son in 1987 they decided they were going back to yorkshire for dad to retire from his job and although we were sad and I really could have done with mums support as it was my first baby(and as it happened only baby)we wished them well and smiled.My lovely dad died in 2004 and mum is now on her own up in yorkshire and boy do I feel guilty that I cant see much of her,we both work and now our lad is in Liverpool at Uni if we have a free weekend we go and see him.We regularly fetch mum to stay us and take her back but it doesnt stop the gulit if we cant see her especially when she says oh it would be lovely to see you soon!

You have to live your life as you want it and get the most from it,my dad told me this just before he died and boy do I stick to it!
Now my son is saying that he wants to go to New Zealand to do part 2 of his architecture course-am I upset -you bet,but I would never tell him because I would never stop him following his own desires.We may even move there when he' s settled,who knows!

Follow your dreams and make the most of each day-your mum will accept it when it actually happens,she wont want to not see you will she! Be selfish for once!
Angie xxxxxxxxxxx

Oh McAnne - your mom is just being a mom - I left my mom to come to Spain - she lives with my sister in Cornwall - I feel as if I have let her down cos I kniow she isnt happy - but at the end of the day it is your life and you must do with it as you will - NI isnt the end of the earth - my mom travels to Spain to see me and is coming out in May for 2 weeks . yippee I have mom to myself for 2 whole weeks . how selfish is that !!
Chin up mate - mom will forgive you cos that is what moms do.
Love and hugs
Mary xx

hugs to you mcanne

Can sympathise with your mum McAnne, having 2 kids of my own, who have both moved away.

But it is time to think of yourself.

When she gets used to the idea, hopefully she will be pleased for you, give her time.

it will be hard for her to accept you going away anne. try and understand from her point of view-she prob feels like she's loosing you...

Even though I know you will do everything in your power to not make her feel like that...it will take time and adjustment I have been there so I know how you feel-
c
xx