General Chat

thankyou all for you replies i really do appreciate them. i know i have along long way to go and any advice is most welcome.

Mr tealy

your welcome both of you.
Mr Tealy please try to work things out. Mrs Tealy clearly loves you a lot, and if your honest thats got to be worth the hard work to get to where you can be.
I wish you both all the best luck.
night night

thanks BigRon

I apologise as I have not read the whole thread yet...not been in from work long but I will read it all before I go to bed.
I was married to a control freak for nearly 16 years and the damage he did to me mentally will always be there, however I am now single as my second marriage failed and to be honest I am happier now than I have ever been.
I do question everything now and don't think I will ever trust another man fully.
My first husband was violent...my second wasn't but he did still try to control me mentally and he couldn't see it....I could so asked him to go.

I have now read all the thread and I am in tears

Mr T I admire you for your honesty and for doing something about it. I hate to say this but it could be too little too late....I hope not for your sake

Mrs T...my heart goes out to you x

we forgive but in circumstances like these we never ever forget....we can't....I have tried believe me x

I want to wish you both a happy future...whatever the outcome x

edited...if either of you want to talk please pm me x

have been following this thread from the beginning but i'm sorry to say didn't have the courage to reply before now and thats taken me to have quite a few drinks before l could add to this thread (sorry) right here goes do you control freaks know the damage you cause, l have my daughter staying with me at the moment who was married to one for 19 years, suddenly something snap and she left him, she has now filed for divorce and asked me to go with her omg what do you think l felt like when l heard her tell the solictor the things that happened over the years ( sorry tears are falling) she even had to ask to go to the toilet omg who should have to go through that, please get help all of you going through this, all l can offer my daughter now is hugs and all our love sorry got to go now but just had to let you all know it destroys lifes (sorry)

Lou
I'm sure my mum felt just the way you do when she found out what I had been through with my first husband. She spoke to him once when she first found out...she said she had carried me for 9 months...given birth to me...cared for me and loved me and if he thought she was going to let a bas***d like him hurt me then he was very much mistaken!
Funny...he had an awful lot of respect for my mum after that!
These men are cowards...Mr T has even admitted to that...put them up against a man and they would be singing a different tune!!!!!

Lots of brave admissions on here, and Elaine, you know I am in a similar situation to you, altho not married to the man. I have nowhere to go due to my ocd and hoarding problems so can't leave and would have no comeback on him, i.e. financial due to the set up here, so trapped at the moment until I can sort out my ocd problems and get my own house habitable again.
Luckily he has been a little easier lately due to several health scares he had over the last year and me helping him through them, not because I love him any more but because it makes my life easier. Also he said the other day he hasn't had a drink for three weeks (secret drinker) so I am hoping that is true, he certainly hasn't acted as tho he is under stress which I would have thought he would be if stopping drinking but will give him the benefit of the doubt. He is due to go back to docs this coming week for more blood tests, his doctor told him he had high blood sugars and cholesterol so he has been a bit worried and changed his diet a little too, maybe he is trying not to drink because of the blood tests and will then start again if given the all clear, who knows.
Take care all those suffering, stay strong and know we wish you luck Mr Tealy to get sorted out and maybe your wife will have a rethink on the divorce. However, a person can take bad treatment for only so long, and then the love dies.....
Lizx

Tart , thank you wil go to bed a bit happier now, thanks xx

Liz
If your OH can change his habits because of a health scare then why can't he change them for you? I think we both know the answer to that one.
I adored my first husbnd...he was everything I had been looking for....but he chipped away at my feelings untill there was nothing left

Lou....just be there for your daughter sweet....believe me she will love you all the more for it...if thats possible xxx

just or the record...this is one suject I will ALWAYS give support to and if anyone wants to pm me for a chat then please do....I may not be able to reply straight away due to work but I am here if you need me

I have nudged this thread for two reasons

1- I feel it's a very important subject

2-I'm sure there are still lots of people out there who can offer Mr and Mrs T lots of support

I went to bed so the partner could have the computer before I could reply to Mr Teal.

I think I went back so often because I was very confused,you must bear in mind the self image that living with a narcissistic mother gives you and the strangely biased view of the world.Well,the sex was excellent,we had similar interests,I could extract a lot of good bits from the relationship which I don't have in this one.

This one is the son of a very controlling mother who I think of as The Great She Spider.She gives out the orders all the time and her children follow them.He knows how to obey orders but not how to consider all the other aspects of what he is doing.Best I can say is that we chug along.

I hope you two don't divorce,at least not until you have worked things through better and find there is no alternative.At least now you know what is damaging your relationship so badly you know what you are working with.

I really wish you the very best of luck.

My late husband was a control freak, but I put it down to his being dyslexic, and I had to do all the reading and writing, which he hated.

I walked on egg shells, could not laugh at what anyone else said. Just had to watch what I said.

I remarried three years after he died, and this time I thought I was in heaven, Everything shared, and no jealousy if I can do something better than him. We have now been married for 41 years.

Hi, just nudging this and reminding Mr T to think of the positive steps already taken, in this matter. You should be proud of yourself. :-))

Of course, I'm also thinking of Mrs T; you should also be proud of yourself. :-))

Marriage is a joining of 2 different people.
In the "courting" stage we all show our best sides . However after marriage the real self shows through.
If one or the other has been raised in a controlling family they think that is how everyone else lives.This is learned behaviour.
You will get 2nd ,3rd generation following this example until someone breaks the cycle
.
Mr T I do hope you can do this for your wife and yourself so you can restore happiness. Put yourself in her positon and ask yourself. " How would I feel if things were reversed"
Mrs T give him a chance to change. He cant do it overnight and will have setbacks. However the humility hes shown to admit he has a problem is great. Most controllers are too proud to do that

Wishing you both well and happy

My second husband turned out to be a control freak and sometimes violent.

Best thing I ever did was divorcing him.

He would never admit there was a problem.


Good luck to both of you.

Maureen

nudge mr tealy

To whoever said it goes on through the children, yes it does my son does the same to his wife and my daughter who is a wonderful wife and mother,although thinking only of her family I still see signs of control in her. I suppose I may have some of the traits as I trained dogs and still work at a school with children, is teaching or training some sort of control. I suppose it is the way that it's done, with kindness and praise rather than nastiness and cruelty. It is nice to be able to talk about it for we do feel ashamed to admit to being victims. I loved my husband but now I do not. I will not let myself hate though as hate destroyes the one who hates. Mr Tealy, go through with your therapy even though you may think too little too late. If Mrs Tealy loves you a bit of distance may be the right move for you both. You have the children and they will benefit from the lack of agro. I wish you both well and at least you are trying, this proves you are a man who loves his wife. Elaine.