General Chat

I have only just read this thread, sorry to jump in so late. Children can be unbelievably selfish. Our son earned good money. He was in his late 20's and he grudgingly gave me a cheque for £120 per month. I wished later I'd insisted he'd paid me weekly as he got a free month every year. He made me feel guilty for taking his money. When he moved in with his girlfriend I found out he gave her £100 a week! He's married now and we get on fine but I sometimes think I was a fool for all those years! Well, I know I was!

When I started work in 1970 I earned £6 a week. 10s 6d was deducted for NI and Mum asked for £1 10s (53p and£1.50 to the youngsters!). I was left with less than £4 a week. Even in 1970 that didn't buy very much. Mum even stopped buying toothpaste as I was the only one in the house with teeth!

Good luck Esta - children can walk all over you if you let them. Be strong.

It is difficult with having no support from your husband. I would definitely show this thread to both of them. Your son may shrug it of but at least he will know what you are asking of him is the way of the world and not you being difficult.

Does he really think his girlfriend is going to still be his girlfriend when/if she returns home. Going to uni is going to have a huge effect on her. She will be meeting a lot of likeminded people and become more independent as a student. She will be moving on in her life whilst he will not unless he pulls his socks up and grow up too. His girlfriend is not going to want to keep him.

Good luck Esta, it is going to be hard but you can do it. Maybe husband needs to take some responsiblity too.

To be honest Esta I recall you being in the same boat with this son was it about a year ago.??
In my mind the biggest problem you have is with your husband.,until he stops undermining you and starts backing you up this merry go round will just carry on spinning,and all the great suggestions people have made now and back then wont change a thing .

Not wanting to put a downer on the idea of giving him these pages, but to be honest, I don't know the lad, but he probably wouldn't care less what we are saying about him on here if he has no respect for his mum.

What you could do Esta, when you have made up your new rules, put them around the house on post-it notes to remind him.

In the bathroom, put the toilet lid down, pick up your towels/clothes, put dirty washing in washing basket.

In the kitchen, wash your dishes.

In the lounge - put your stuff away.

on the inside of his room on the door - is your room tidy? have you took the dishes to the kitchen?

drive him mad! he won't wait to get out. He will rip them up, but keep replacing them!

On the day before you shop....if you want something from the shop, leave me the money with your list!

Get him organised!

If he won't go to work because you won't drive him. Get him out of bed by banging on his door every 5 minutes to get him up. If he doesn't like it, tell him you won't stop until he is up and off to work. If you can get into his room when he is still in bed, throw water over him. That will get him up.

Mean...I know. But he has to start taking notice of you if he wants to remain in the house.

I am only presuming this, but I would like to put a bet on the fact that he is out with his mates till all hours? If so, one of your rules can be that he is home by midnight or you will lock him out....but bolts on the inside of the doors so he can't get in. Another reason why having his own pad, will give him some freedom.

Chin up....you CAN make it better for yourself.

Dee
XX

Dee good on you,I'd be here all night writing all that out lol

Esta, Print these pages off. Sticky tape them onto the dining room or kitchen table and leave them there. Yes it will take you a while to print them all. Copy and paste is probably the best way to do it.

If they get ripped up. Do it again. Next time on his door.

He will read them. If he doesn't, post them to him.

Point out the most important feature of the replies on this thread. The fact that even while we have differences of opinion about solving the problem you have presented we are united in our criticism of his behaviiour and support you in your decision to take action, whatever that action.

Oh and PS. Give a copy to the girlfriend.

It sounds like he needs a good kick up the jacksy, you are to soft with him
let his girlfriends parents keep buckshee, I dont think they would put
up with it, and neither should you, no pay no play, if he lived under my roof
he would have been long gone, its about time he grew up and showed his mother some respect, sorry if I sound harsh but parasites dont half
nark me off.

Good Luck

Ray x

Esta, I know what you mean about loving him and hating him, I have the same relationship with my one daughter.

Marion....I do tend to go on a bit...but I just wanted Esta to realise she is not alone with kids and the problems that go with them, not that we are talking about kids, they are adults now. And that is the point. Adults and old enough to make their own mistakes in life.

Esta. You need to be unkind to him. pluck up the courage and stand up to him. Decide what you would like changed. Make the plans of how you want to change them. Make the rules. Relay them to your son (and husband). Implement them and STICK TO YOUR GUNS! If you don't stick to them, they will not work and you loose the fight making it harder to change anything in the future. Make sure that you give conciquences with none complyance to the new rules and follow them through.

As I said before, moldy food and dishes in his bedroom is not acceptable....you will run out for yourselves besides anything else, get him to tidy his room, bring down the dishes (and wash them) if not, tell him you will tidy his room but will be ruthless.

One thing I have found about bringing up teenagers, is they do not like you in their rooms and certainly don't like you touching their "stuff".

Presumably, as with a lot of selfish children, his washing is just left in his room or lying around the bathroom.

If it is the bathroom, throw it into his room. If it is already in his room, tell him, it won't get washed if it is not in the washing basket, and only if he contributes to washing powder!

If he wants his washing ironed....buy him an iron and board to do it himself.

If he wants feeding, he is to be home when you are eating yourself, but can help wash up afterwards. Otherwise, don't feed him, he will find something when he is hungry. Also, if he wants meals cooked, he has to contribute to the shopping.

Once you have implemented these things and others, he should realise what he is getting. He may not be up to apologising to you. But, if he complains....he can move out.

As for his girlfriend, does she realise that he plans to replace you with her? Instead of you supporting him, he is waiting for the time when she can? Poor girl. How is she gonna do that on student finances?

If your husband doesn't like you refraining from "motherly duties", perhaps he can take over?

Sit down with the local property ads and talk out loud about the ones which would suit him. Keep putting them under his nose. If he moves out, I am sure your relationship will improve over time, once he has to fend for himself and have a reality check on the costs of things.

Best of luck with it all
Dee

PS: Sorry for going on again!

Thank you for the supportive posts at least I am not alone. It is not about the money it is about the absolute lack of any respect for us or our home.

For the past 5 years he has been an absolute nightmare. I believe he is waiting for his girlfriend to go and come back from uni so that they can move in together but in the meantime he is just using every trick in the book to take no responsibility for anything. He has no outgoings, he wont learn to drive unless I pay for his lessons (which I'm refusing to do as he has had a job for 2 months now and can pay himself). He doesn't see the need or want to contribute to anything at all and is so unkind with his words that we all avoid being in the same room as him.

I love him dearly but I do not like him!

Dee..did you run out of breath writing that? lol

Esta is your son waiting for his girlfriend to finish uni so he can live with her and expect her to look after him?

Show him these threads which give a lot of good advice maybe he will take the hint and stop feeling sorry for himself.

Teresa

Sorry, ran out of room......

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!

He will sort himself out and will probably enjoy his new found freedom!

Finally, you do not need to buy his toiletries or his "favourite" foods - I bet you do!

If he leaves things lying around in your living space, tell him to put them away or you will bin them next time... and do it. He will soon get the message you mean business.

It will be hard, but at the moment he knows you will not do anything about it. Time to change. i think.

Go for it, it couldn't be any worse....could it?

Good Luck
Dee

Esta, I really do feel for you, I have been in a similar position with my 3 daughters.

My eldest moved to uni in London, having to grow up quick and look after herself. Students - no money, so had to get a part time job waitressing. It got her through and we took food parcels each time we visited. That was the first year. Luckily, for 2 years she moved in with her cousin and contributed as much as she could with rent, food etc which worked well. Then they both moved closer to home where she stayed for another year. She now has her own tiny flat, full time job and "managing" her money on her own.

One of my twins also went to Uni and house shared with other students for 3 years. She also found a part time job at Asda of a weekend and it was enough to get by. She is now living back home whilst doing her masters. She never asks for anything, she does her own washing/ironing, still works her job at asda, and does paid research work for lecturers etc at Uni. She never stops and struggles to earn enough to pay the petrol to and from uni. We feel justified not to charge her any rent because she tries so hard and simply just doesn't have anything left over. She is at Uni all day, comes home, wolfs food down and then goes to work as a barmaid most evenings. She is back at 1am and starts her uni work...going to bed at about 4am and up again at 8am. She refuses any financial help from us and we worry she is doing too much.

Her twin sister chose not to go into further education. Now this is our bug-bearer. She and I are alot alike and we are always arguing. Just before she was 17 she moved out of the house (she felt we treated her differently) and was able to find a little flat whilst she went to college for a year. Once her college course finished, she had to give up the flat as it was subsidised. At the same time, my father-in-law passed away and left the house to my husband and his sister, leaving behind his cat. My daughter moved in to look after the cat. We didn't charge her rent so long as she paid the bills and looked after the cat. She got a job working as a bar maid which she enjoyed but struggled to make ends meet. Then she started up a relationship which unfortuately lead to pregnancy. This was after she had been in the house for 1 year. At this point, we extended our mortgage to by my sister-in-laws half of the house and insisted she paid us rent also. This was fine until she got pregant. Her boyfriend moved in who was in and out of work over the next two years....he was on a free trip, she kept him and the baby! When she was on maternity leave, the rent started sliding - how could we kick her out with a baby on the way, so we let her stay at our cost. He had no intention of getting work and sticking with it, so she finally saw sense and through him out. She has no financial support from him for the baby, but he does babysit so she can work....very nice of him!!! She started getting into arrears with her bills and just couldn't manage. Refused to move back with us so moved into a house share. This lasted 6 months and wasn't working, the other tenants wouldn't tolerate a 2 year old, and he isn't naughty either! Because she had utility arrears from her own house, she failed a credit check and couldn't have her name on the tenancy in the shared house but was allowed to sub-let from the others in the house. However, because of this was unable to claim housing benefit to cover rent, so she was no better off. She is now in another house...a filthy, damp place and can now claim housing benefit again. The rent....£480 per month! The housing benefit £320 per month. She is still working, and still struggling. What she could do with £1000 per month income!!! She would be better off giving up her job, but refuses to do it and continue working, she knows she would be better off at home but does not take advantage, which brings me to your son (sorry for going on).

He is old enough to look after himself. He earns enough to look after himself. he doesnot need you to run him to work, he can find his own way or even save up for a car!

He IS taking advantage and he knows it.

My husband thinks I am unreasonable, when I refuse to throw more money at our daughter to bail her out again when she can move home.

My answer, I treat her the way I want to and he helps her as much as he wants to.

If you and your husband can't agree....your son knows this which weakens your case too! Tell your husband that you are going to make Your stand and not do his washing etc etc, not do his shopping, not run him every where he wants to go. What he chooses to do is up to him.

Tell your son to clean his room or you will do it for him AND clear out his stuff too! When he threatens you again with "so you are throwing me out" simply say "Yes" unless you pay your way AND HELP OUT! Then give him 2 days to decide what he wants to do, if he decides to go, give him 2 weeks, on his wage, he should be able to find somewhere within a week!

I have not said Esta is in hurry to get rid of her son nor have I contradicted myself I was commented on one ot the post that stated a son of 21 should not be living at home and inquiring if Esta was infirm and needed her son to look after if not he should not be living at home, that is the part I disagreed I with, not Eesta if you read through all the threads properly you will see the post I was disagreeing with

It seems to me, Esta, that your greatest problem right now is not trying to make your son pay for his keep. It is the tackling of his conduct towards you and his sister.

For I get the feeling it is that which is upsetting you more than his failure to put his hand in his pocket.

Perhaps you should consider putting the financial issues on the back burner for a while and address your son's relationship with his family. For if that cannot be resolved then the only course for relieving you of the pain it causes you is to show him the door .................whether he pays for his keep or not.

It may well be that professional/expert help is available. Others will know better than me if it is.

And if his attitude towards his family were to change for the better .............. then maybe his attitude towards paying his way may swiftly follow suit.

My son is currently living with us. He did leave home for a while after uni, but "bounced" back after several years.

I don't charge him rent as he has been saving like mad since he reappeared to get his deposit together to buy his own place. However, he buys a lot of his own food (he's wheat-free), he pays for his own toiletries etc, he pays half the cost of the Broadband rental and contributes towards the cost of Sky TV. He also pays any long-distance telephone calls (dad is in NY).

He is chief emptier and putter-awayer of the dishwasher.

He also walks the dog, sorts out any computer problems we have, house sits when we are away - including looking after dog and cat. (And he always gives the front room a brilliant clean up the day before we come back ...). And most of those times he does remember to water the plants in tubs in the garden.

He does his own washing, ironing, room-cleaning etc.

He will cook for all of us occasionally and if we are eating food that is "safe" for him we automatically make sure he has some of that. (He works slightly odd hours - not 9-5).

He pays for his own driving lessons etc. And never assumes that he will get a lift anywhere. At the moment he walks, cycles or gets a bus.

Frankly, if was anything like your lad I would have kicked him out yonks ago. No way would I put up with that sort of behaviour. And no way would I tolerate any grumbling about my expectations. My son does what he does with good grace and still mutters on about not paying rent and how guilty he feels ... but he has just completed on his first house purchase so it has all been worth it. And I will miss him like mad when he (finally) moves out!

Grit your teeth, dig your heels in and tell your lad to buck up or ship out. Good luck.

Jill

Foggy is right ....

Your son is taking the P***.....tell him he does what u ask or goes and give him a dead line ...

Why are you letting him do what he wants at this age ...did you let him do as he wanted when he was little???

nearly sixty years ago I left school at 15.......first job paid 50 shillings a week.. I gave mum 30 of that and managed on the pound for myself....at times I had to ask for a couple of bob back........but I knew my priorities.....

I was working and it was expected.....to help out.

Bob

Don't some of us wonder why we bothered !!!! We have 2 sons the eldest wasn't any trouble - he went to uni but lived at home and travelled to uni every day - we paid for travel card for him and feed him etc. but anything he needed for uni and his clothes he paid for himself by working part time. The youngest - well I will not go into details but he caused us so much heartache and I shed so many tears - but heyho he is now 34 and both his dad and I are proud of him. But having said all that we had house rules and they had to help out as we both worked - I always remember wanting a dishwasher and my hubby wrote a rota out and stuck it on the noticeboard in the kitchen - lol - did not work very well !!!!
Both our sons can cook, wash and the eldest one might iron but the youngest one doesn't !!!
Hope you manage to sort things out.
Take care
Love Mary xx

Call a policeman and ask him to escort your son off the premises. And you give him a good slapping on the way out, cheeky little toerag!