General Chat

It can be a very difficult thing to do, because you are often reversing roles, the taking care, worrying, looking after is reversed, and suddenly it's you who is doing these things for someone who used to do it for you.

Some people don't want to take the responsibility, because maybe they felt that they had a dreadful childhood, but for those of us who choose to look after a parent the rewards of doing so, far outweigh the downsides.

I had very caring parents, so when they couldn't do certain things I stepped in, because I wanted to. I'm so pleased I did it without any regrets, I gave up work, and I traveled to do it, but to me, it was the natural thing to do.

I don't think we as parents, expect our children to look after us, but if that time comes and you need looking after then accept there help with open arms.

To all those looking after parent/s, you're doing a great job :-D

You were very lucky to be able to give up work to help your parents.

After my father died I had to help my mother, she had an excellent home help, but she lived in Eastbourne and I lived in London. But dad had spoilt her. She could not even adjust the straps on a new bra!!!

I could not afford to give up work, mortgage to pay. So every Saturday, I would drive down to Eastbourne to help her with extra shopping etc. (she was housebound). Every other Saturday I had to work and would then have to go down straight from work.

In the end she moved back to London, where she felt she had more friends. Well apart from the fact most had died, she saw very few people, apart from those in the Sheltered Housing.

And as an only child the responsibility was mine alone, no one to help in any form of emergencies.

I would love to say that I enjoyed it, but I did not. I HAD to phone every day, and my life was made terrible should I be so busy that I forgot.

However, when she died, I took me about 2 years to get used to having my Saturday mornings to myself.

My partner was my lifeline through all this. Without his support I think I would have had a breakdown.

<3

it can be tough, especially when you of course are older yourself and like DC I had to work to safeguard my pension - while they were both alive, although both with health problems, they got by helping each other - when Dad died Mum was left on her own and with severe rheumatoid arthritis she had difficulty coping - eventually she went to live with an older sister of hers who lived nearby. This sister, who had been my favourite aunt, showed a side we'd never seen before. Once my mother's house was sold she turned into an evil old bitch and was cruel physically and mentally to my mother. We had no choice but to remove my mother from her and she came to live with me. However, I was out at work as was my husband and she was lonely. Then we found a lovely caring home in the next village and she loved it there - had her own room, own phone and we had a key to visit whenever we liked. Although it was not a nursing home they kept her until she sadly died. I wish I could have given up work to look after her, but it wasn't possible

Not everyone is in such a fortunate position as you Lynda.

Some parents won't let their children do anything for them and this attitude does not change even when the time comes when they do need help from family.

DC, I suppose it isn't a thing we enjoy doing , it's hard work, but satisfying knowing you did the right thing, well right as you saw it anyway.
I found it difficult after each parent had died also, for a long time I used to think I must do X,Y or Z, the realised I didn't have to. It's a strange feeling not having to be "ready to go" at a moments notice. having a parent in another Country was also difficult, I wasn't caring for hi as such, but having to go every 3 weeks or so was difficult, and if ever I got a phone call from the home, about him being unwell was also worrying, because it couldn't just take off and go, there were flights to get, which sometimes took a day to sort out, but I just got used to doing it. :-)

Ann I was relatively young when my parents died, so it wasn't such a physical strain, it must be very difficult when you're older, and could probably do with a bit of help yourself

By the way I wasn't in a "fortunate position" Island, we made adjustments.

In 2004 I was working part time and our youngest was just 5 when my Dad had a sudden stroke and was left totally paralysed apart from being able to blink....he knew what was going on.

Mum was in the grip of Alzheimers at the time, I visited Dad every day for as long as I could and Mum went into respite care, Dad was the priority as he was unable to be tube-fed and died 3 weeks later.

Mum never went back to her own home, she spent the next 7 years in residential care.

I visited daily apart from a few days holiday each year when I phoned to make sure she was as alright as she could e.

In her last few weeks I was there at least twice a day, she had, by then, no speech or movement but I knew by her eyes and facial expressions how she was feeling.

I have 2 siblings, I am no better or worse than either of them, but my brother was worse than useless and my sister, after losing her husband 4 years into the 7 never visited her again............she said it was too upsetting for her.

I don't have any regrets over their care or the time and energy I used to ensure she was alright. It was a privilege to do my best for both of them.

They were always here for me and I was just trying to make the end of their lives as comfortable and happy as they could be under the circumstances.

I miss them both every day and would hate to feel the guilt my siblings feel knowing they could and should have done more.

I am not a goody two shoes, just a very grateful daughter who did my best for very loving parents.

Don't think for one minute I am knocking you Lynda. DC also said you were lucky to be able to give up work. Sometimes adjustments are just not possible and sometimes help is rejected.

Not many of us live 'round the corner' from our relatives now a days, may be through their, our or economic choices.
Post WW2 and the advent of 'the pill' families tend to be smaller as well meaning that we may not have siblings, or siblings any nearer, to share the responsibility

Even if we love and respect our parents, it's difficult to juggle our own children's need for support at what may be a crucial time in their education, responsibility to our employers, and possibly the female hormonal changes we are going through.

Although my parents live closer than London to Eastbourne, it was still an hours drive away. Yes, every Saturday was taken up visiting them by myself, with the daily 6 o'clock phone call once my mother had died to make sure my father was OK. Sometimes there was a message on the answer phone after work to say that he needed something NOW necessitating an after work dash down for something trivial.

Our own children have said that at the first sign that we are losing the plot, they'll be researching care homes!

However we coped with or supported our parents, we can probably all say that we should or should not have done something or other. At the time we thought we were acting in their best interest. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

It's often not a case of 'being able' to give up working, but rather a case of having no option but to do so. :-)

and live on what Sirius?

It is not unkown for adult children to give up their jobs to be full time carers for elderly parents only for the parent to pass away shortly afterwards, leaving them with no income and often far from their own world.

We all have to do what we think best, and we all cope in different ways.

I gave up work, in fact I gave up my business, could I afford that? no not really, but we adjusted our needs, and our usual lifestyle to an extent, I felt it was right, and it was how it should be done.

I've done lots of things in life others wouldn't, I'm not knocking anyone who doesn't do what I did, I'm just telling my story, and just giving a bit of praise to those who do, or have l looked after parents :-D

I would have loved to have looked after mine in their later years but geography, my own health situation and mother made it a no go. Not necceassarily in that order :-D
I'm beggared if I am going to let anyone make me feel guilty though (not pointing fingers at anyone) :-)

Carer's allowance Island ?

it is not the easiest choice in the world to give up a job or to move to somewhere you don't want to be to live with a parent, or have them to live with you, but I can name you 3 people off the top of my head in my circle of friends and family who have done just that...and yes it may well mean that in the end that person finds themself broke ( and possibly broken physically too) and facing ill health and old age themself with no one left to care.

I didn't say it was fun, I said that sometimes it is the only viable option.

You don't have to feel guilty or think that any one is suggesting you should Island, no one mentioned guilt.

Each person does what they feel they have to, for the parent, themself and family sometimes because they 'want' to, sometimes because they feel 'duty bound'....neither is easy, not even when it is entirely ones choice to do it.

Sirius, I did have parents myself. I would comment further but think Lyndas thread is going way off track.
If you would like me to delete, Lynda, I am happy to do so.

Island you seem determined to take everything I say personally ? Don't know why, you asked me the question, I answered.

It's an individual choice, based on individual circumstances, there are those who can't for whatever reason. We all do the best as we see it.

I can assure you I am not taking anything you have said personally Sirius or indeed, seriously.

why not seriously? I don't think I have said anything re looking after, or not looking after, parents that could be taken as a joke or flippant in some way.

I think anyone who is fortunate enough to be able to give up work, even when they are older, is very lucky indeed.

For most it is more of a case of working around other responsibilities, be they a full time job (because giving up work is not even an option) or looking after a young family because that in itself is a full time job.

The job must come first if it is necessary to pay bills, mortgage etc.

Maybe it is a sad reflection of the times but years ago it was easier to "go without" through giving up work because we lived in a society that was not quite so materialistic or money centric (new car, new flatscreen television, holidays, etc etc).

Times were different way back but we may possibly look back through rose tinted specs too!

Looks like I'm a one off then because I DID give up work, no job comes before my family. Each to there own, as I said before.

I'm not fortunate, I chose to do what I did,others may not, for whatever the reason, or circumstance, but I did and am happy I did so.