General Chat

I was talking to someone recently, who had for a long time quite a stressful job, in a responsible role, and they mentioned that even though they are now retired their stress levels are still high and they "worry" more than their partner.

Others I know go through life not stressing about anything, they deal with stuff when it comes, but don't worry beforehand or after.

Why is that? do you think it is genetic? or is it purely down to circumstances when you were a child that make you one or another ( ie if your family was poor are you more likely to stress about money when you are older...or less likely even?)

My late Mother would worry about everything, being overprotective especially towards me, less so my brothers. I used to tell her she would worry if she had nothing to worry about. Life was difficult for her, she was the baby of the family and lost her mother when she was just 16, so her older sisters and brothers and her Dad were her support. By then she was out to work, it was 1932. Her father gave up the family home at some stage and mother moved to the coast to work in a grocery shop International stores. She had a fiance who died of Tb. At the end of the war she met my Dad. They lost their first baby to stillbirth. They never had much money, lots of thing's were secondhand from friends and relatives. I don.t know if all these setbacks caused Mum's constant anxiety but it certainly rubbed off to me and I was always a timid, nervous child so it definitely affected me. Genes and upbringing equally affected me I think.

I would say generally 'inherited' although I'm sure circumstances and events can cause it - or is it that the events will only impact those pre-disposed to worry?? I take after my Dad as a 'worrier' and I'm sure it was extreme stress that sent him to an early grave... :-(

Anyone in a responsible stressful job won't just wind down straight away when they retire even if they handled the stress of the job well. A job like that is like an express train and the mind and body that is geared up to that level of performance and anticipation takes a good while to adjust however relaxed you think you are.

I don't think you can generalise about stress and some people probably are more genetically predisposed to suffer from stress. Some people get more stressed than others because they are more sensitive people or more conscientious and don't want to fail or let anyone down. Things that stress one person won't faze another and then some people avoid doing stressful jobs because they know they wouldn't cope. Some are irresponsible, have no ambition or are happy to leave responsibility to their work colleagues or partners. They don't have to trouble themselves with things then.

I think if a child is brought up in a home that isn't loving and suffers a lot of put downs their confidence suffers which means they may be less resilient in coping with stress as an adult. I grew up in a home where money would cause rows, but the way it affected me was to make sure I managed my own money well so I was never in that position.

That's so well put, Annx :-D

Lavender
How awful for your grandmother to have gone through such awful things at such a young age. No wonder she was affected.

Sylvia

Have you told your story to GR press, Lavender......It would make a good programme ......so interesting and sad too.

I have told about my childhood on too many occasions on here so I won't do the detail. OH also has a narcissistic mother,Fred, who had adopted a philosophy of not getting involved with my mother's vileness and who also later admitted to me that he was afraid of her, then gave me seven years of extreme challenge as well as lack of sleep.

In short, my norm was extreme stress which I was left to cope with alone.

Since Fred died and I threw my wobbly I have been able to lose a huge amount of stress and, oddly, it is so hard to cope with.

That stress has been constant and I can remember, at the age of seven, wishing I could get away from it for a while. Now it is gone I have lost the underpinning structure of my life.The panic comes back still but has nothing to focus on.

This relaxed thing, well I have only ever managed that if I was ill before. It is like learning to live again but quite difficult to come to terms with and not so dissimilar to somebody being landed with a lot of stress they are not used to.

I don't think I am a 'stressful' person.
My childhood was spent moving from one school to another.
Never got bullied (though they tried).
Up until my 30's, my life was spent moving. Never had much money, but never really bothered, just got on with it. I like my own company, so being alone is fine, actually, preferred. I was quite capable of accepting, and coping with, whatever life threw at me.

However this all changed when I had a line manager who 'covertly' bullied me. I could do nothing about it, as, at the time, to accuse a line manager of bullying, was a 'disciplinary ' offence. In the end I just gave my diary of events to her higher manager.

I was moved - lost pay - but moved away from her. She kept her highly paid job - and has gone on to bully others.
New job wasn't what I wanted, but went along with it. Until they kept on loading more and more work on to the team. Higher officers were 'working' from home more and more, and some of them really didn't know what they were meant to be doing - which left us clearing up their mess. This caused stress.
Management's attitude to my stress worsened the situation, until my whole life was either working, or dreading work. Lost all energy, couldn't focus, and was becoming seriously physically ill, vomiting regularly, as well as very anxious.

This also led to them not believing I was stressed - apparently you're not 'supposed' to have a physical reaction to stress, and you're 'supposed' to have worse mental health problems than anxiety to be 'properly' stressed. They actually said this to me in 'corporate' speech.

Final straw came when I'd dragged myself into work for 3 days, feeling very ill indeed. I made an appointment with my doctor for the Friday. He said I had a very high temperature, and possibly appendicitis. Sent me to the hospital for a scan. The doctor there didn't give me a scan, but kept me in, as he was sure he'd have to operate the next day.
Managed to get out the following evening, but had vomiting and diahorrea,(sp) on the Sunday and Monday.

They were going to 'merit' this absence, ie, see whether it fitted their criterion of a 'real' absence.

I'm sure if it had been someone of a higher grade, some sympathy would have been shown, but we lower grades, apparently have no right to be stressed.

I then had a lower colonoscopy to find out what was wrong - nothing was wrong, it was stress.

I handed in my notice, and am now in the process of early conciliation.
All I want is an apology for the way I was treated. I may be chasing rainbows in wanting it, but if you don't try, you'll never get.

I have always been a 'worrier' My life has not been hard like some of you have said above although I have had my ups and downs as most have. I wish I was not a 'worrier' but cant help it. I even worry about my new twin grandchildren, like I never seem to have worried about my own children. It causes me to lose quite a lot of sleep at times. Don't suppose I'll ever change although I do try. :-S

AnnMarie, that was my Mum all over and it rubbed off to me as a child. Somehow I seem to have changed in that I don't consciously worry as much but I think my hoarding problem stems from the anxiety, shyness, and lack of confidence I suffered. My parents never encouraged me to aspire to more than getting married and being a housewife and mother. I got that wrong, never married but ended up a single parent. I lost my first baby at 3 days of age which has also caused mental health problems including the hoarding and a grief that has never gone away even after nearly 41 years. There was little support at that time and my parents weren't that supportive either even tho my mother had a stillborn son before I was born.

I am sure my mother telling me she had had an inferiority complex for a long time and my genes too shaped the way I was and am today.