General Chat

Have just been reading one of Uzzi's threads. She lost Minx around the same time as my Desmond died and I have just thought of how we handle grief in such different ways.

Years of training taught me to suppress everything, I think, so I am booking a cat trap to press on to the task ahead while Uzzi, quite sensibly, gets the grief out.

Maybe it has been made easier for me because I have had to deal with such peaceful, gentle deaths recently, with no trauma involved.

fortunately both my parents died peacefully - my Dad died first and that was awful to deal with, I loved him dearly, but when Mum died I found it easier to deal with her death, although of course she meant the world to me

However, when my husband died that was a horrendous death and I watched him die in agony, only relieved by a morphine injection to stop the trauma - somehow I got through it and now, nearly thirteen years later I can speak of him without crying

My mother died in her sleep, aged 68, good for her, a dreadful shock for us particularly my S-father. He, however, had terminal cancer and his death was hideous, as described by Ann. It was the worst 8 months of my life. When our beloved Millie died, cancer again that ba###d disease, (stand by for the RRer!!) 18months ago, I thought I'd shed all the tears I possessed for my parents, and two other close family members who were dear to me, but I hadn't. It was just awful, but, a bit against my better judgment, we now have Cassie who has finally made us smile again.
Grief hits us all in different ways and learning to live with it can seem well nigh impossible, like being at the bottom of a mineshaft with no way of getting out.

Well folks may remember my post last July when we lost our cat Mirabelle I was beside myself and her loss was up with losing my parents and two siblings

They are so part of the family that losing them is heartbreaking

we all deal with that heart break in different ways .with dad it was love him but he is suffering so his passing was a relief for him.With mum it was a sudden death but I knew she struggled after losing dad.

With my two elder siblings it was disbelief and a feeling of god its me next!!

With losing Mirabelle though it was heartbreaking disbelief we had lost her and took nearly a year to move on an consider getting another cat which we have done

Now our daughter got diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma some 8 years ago and had treatment and thankfully is still here BUT the panic on thinking we may lose our baby!! was so overwhelming I felt sick .

we all have to go through the grieving process however we deal with it and hopefully come out the other side a bit stronger

Our daughter hasnt had a great deal put her way ,she seems to attracted poo along the way that her illness was blimey what more . She is such a nice girl who got shit on many times.

So we all deal with grief and poo in our own way

:-(

Oh Shirley, you've certainly had much more than your share of heartache. I hope you new puss has made you smile as our new puppy baby has for us! <3for you and for your daughter.

Grief is a strange thing. My mum died at the fairly young age of 58. I was heartbroken when she died but relieved that she was free of the pain she had suffered for as long as I could remember. I was trying to support my Dad and take care of my two young children so I just tried to be strong for them.

32 years later my mum in law died. I was very fond of her and very upset at her sudden death but suddenly I found myself thinking of my mum and the floodgates opened. All the tears I should probably have cried when she died came out all those years later.

Grief is strange Sharron I can´t imagine another animal so soon after Minx, but then we do have the 14yr old I am a puppy at heart to contend with.
I am not sure that my down in the dumps is a let it all out grief, if only it was that easy. was me being miserable grieving or was I just a moody bitch who needed a kick up the butt ?

I never cried when Dad died, every time somebody said let it out "there there" I did the yorky thing stuck my chin out stiffened me top lip and said " I am fine" . Was I eckers like was in bits but I was true to form as Dad would have wanted.
As said I am not sure my down in the dumps is grief or just me being a miserable git.

When our baby son died suddenly and unexpected to cot-death, as I've often spoken on here, I found recovery impossible.

On the day I appeared to be the strong one but the longing and mounting guilt, going over and over the events surrounding his death, with no counselling, was indescribable. I didn't think it was possible to feel such pain. It just went on and on.

For many years I threw myself into work as a way of trying to cope. However, many years later I suffered an horrendous breakdown which took decades to see my way through.

edit* just left post up for 24 hrs as very personal..



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Happily, the arrival of grandchildren has been ultimately healing for me.

'A child who loses a parent never recovers.' (Colm Toibin).

I think that is probably true, Dermot. It has certainly taken almost a lifetime for me!

Our baby son celebrates his 32nd birthday shortly, bless him
<3

lavender

Cant even imagine what you went through

My parents lost their firstborn aged 3 months in 1931 and mum never really got over it They had six more children after him and we all knew who baby Ronnie was i have a large picture in a frame of him in his home knitted dress and underskirt edged with lace and laying on a chaise longue taken at the local photographic studio .That picture took pride of place in our best sitting room and i gave it a home after mum died and the house had to be cleared.

My next sister down lost her adult son to leukemia so when our daughter got Hodgkins I was panic stricken we would lose her too .
Same sister too had a grandbaby die of sudden death cot syndrome

Cancer seems to run in my family as well as bronchial/asthma and heart problems . My mum died of a sudden heart attack as did my elder brother in 2001 in spain where he was living .

My grief for the family who have gone is tinged with panic of who is next :-( :-( :-( :-(

What a lot of sadness, Shirley. It must have been almost impossible to bear, yet as we know there is no choice and we have always to find the strength to carry on.

I can understand your panic, I'm always one step ahead, too.

One thing with losing a child is that they are always the baby of the family.. just like your baby brother, Ronnie.

I hope that your daughter made a good recovery, it must have been such a terribly worrying time for you and yours <3

'A child who loses a parent never recovers.' (Colm Toibin)

nOT SURE IF THAT IS A COmFORT OR NOT but it may be be true

My Mum siblings are all dying from the youngest up not the other way around and not higgily piggily either, every two years the youngest either dies or something bad happens to them. ie stroke, car crash but somehow the older ones carry on

'A parent who loses a child never recovers' is as relevant, I know losing my baby daughter 41 years ago changed me for always and I have never got over the loss. There is always a void in my life.

Each person deals with grief in their own way, whether it's the loss of a loved one or a beloved pet. All we can do is help and support them when they need it

Lizxx

Absolutely, Liz

So sorry that you experienced such a loss yourself. You will have felt that loss each one of those days for 41 years… such a long time <3 <3 <3

Indeed I have Lavender, altho many people have said I should put the loss behind me, it's not something I can ever do, as you will know. Having my lovely son eight years later helped enormously. If/when he and his fiancee present me with a grandchild I will be thrilled -altho I am very fond of my 'step'grandchildren, it isn't the same.
My parents had a stillborn son born before me and Mum did tell me about him when I was old enough to understand but I don't think she spoke to my brothers about him and I never heard Mum and Dad speak of their loss together.

Lizx

I do hope that you are blessed with a grandchild of your own, Liz. The arrival of ours has been completely wonderful in every way.

<3 <3 <3

A lady I knew had a stillborn daughter, her fourth child, and was taken straight back to the ward where the mothers with babies were and her husband was told to never mention the child.

Oddly enough, she cracked up and was put into a psychiatric hospital where she was given electric shock treatment.

She and her husband were never really happy together after that and who could be surprised!?

My father was told by the midwife to bury my baby brother in the garden! It felt strange to see my late grandmother's house and wonder if little Richard was buried in the garden. I never asked my parents if that's what happened, too late now.

I wasn't treated well by the nursing staff, sent home to leave Zoe in the scbu and not told when she died. Never held her, no photos, no hand or foot prints as they do now.

Thank heavens things are more gently done now.

Lizxx

Slightly off topic.....

Occasionally there are news reports of infant remains being found in a garden. One does wonder if they were still births and buried as per the midwives instructions.