General Chat

I found this, not sure whether sharing is good, as I didn´t share then but here it is. ....


I am going to share this with you, not because I want sympathy, not because I am proud, nor because I need people to know what I have been through. I am going to share in the hope that anybody out there in the same position, will take heart, even if just a little from my words. I wrote this a few years ago when I was low and writing things down helped me to understand myself and also to dissipate the emotion that had built up
I was a self harmer, my wrists and arms bare the scars of my abuse to myself. They also carry the scars of abuse that I allowed a dominant other to inflict because I believed I deserved no better.
I didn´t grow up, I had no shiney bright light ping in my head. What I had was a very patient person teaching me, like you would teach a scared dog, that I am worth more than that. That person is now gone from my life but their words and touch will stay forever.
Yes there are times that I stare at my wrists and think, there has also been times that I have held a knife over them, yes I have pricked the skin that first draw of blood, the pain I believe that I deserve just a cut away. It takes courage to say NO I am worth more than that. It takes courage to live, to know that your life is worth something.
For those who don´t understand at all, for those that know me as the strong person that I am, it will be difficult to explain what, why or who can set this off. For those who think that you might have a friend who may be a self harmer, I can only say carry on being a friend, be there in times of need. So many friends fade away, we are used to that. It doesn´t hurt us any more. We are also very, very good at driving friends away, after all we don´t deserve them ! Don´t leave we need you, because you are our anchor on life. You are reality, the person we need.
We need understanding, although we don´t know how you can understand us, we need friendship, but who would want to be our friend. We need touch, after all we are not contagious, but who wants to touch us, who will give us the hugs and cuddles we need.
Don´t be mistaken that she /he has a good partner they can´t or wouldn´t do that. We are very good at hiding things. That´s how I learnt sarcasm is a great self defense. I am an ex self harmer but I would never promise on anything but my own life that I would never take a knife to myself again. But I know with the friends that I have my life matters. I will not lie and say in the last 12yrs I haven´t been tempted. I am not a liar but like all others I can hide the truth.
Please do not think that only a weak person could do this, I was strong before. It´s a niggle that gets under the skin and needs to be cut out. I am strong now, but only on the strength of the friends that I have and trust. Without them I am not sure what I would be, I am not willing to put it to the test. These are friends that you could be to other silent people..

<3 <3 <3

Stay strong <3

Uzzi, thank you for sharing that.

When I was, unknowingly, still descending into my recent abyss, I tried to contact a really lovely couple I know. Several times I tried but they never answered the telephone, nor did they ring me.

Evidently, I was paranoid at the time because I decided that they didn't want to know me and decided not to answer when my number showed on their phone.

Being unworthy, I left it at that and have had no contact with them since.

My delight was unbounded when I heard at the weekend that the husband was talking to a friend and, hearing that he came from this village, asked if he knew how I was as they had not heard from me for such a long time.

Sharron, thank you. I wasn´t sure about sharing it, still not if I am honest. I can hear my mother saying what are you doing, we don´t do this" well yes we do. don´t we ?

Thanks Ladyscozz trust me on my strength now, I have friends that I can call and an amazing other half who knows all about me and loves me regardless. <3 <3

<3 <3 <3

That was a very brave thing to do Uzzi.
I also suffer with periods of low-self esteem, and I know how low it can make you feel.

Although I have not done this myself, I do have members of my family who have self-harmed in the past.

Thinking of you Uzzi. Keep yourself strong. <3

Uzzi, I think you have put your finger on why you did it. The importance of what we do for propriety being greater than the importance of the feelings of a little girl.

You are probably right there Sharron in some ways, not in others, I think I know why I started to self harm and mother is never far from the equation. Why did I share this after so long Not sure. after all I can´t piss her off any more


Jemima , If I have helped just 1 person then all my insecurities about putting this post up are worth it .

You shared it because it is time and you are ready.

Maybe you are ready to stop grieving for what might, indeed should, have been.

I have always hoped that by sharing my experiences I have turned my negative into a positive for somebody else.

I was determined to be totally honest about how it was with my mother from the time she died and have been accused of being wicked for having done so.

Your sharing of self-harming will turn your negative into a positive as well. If just one other person can see they are not alone then you have done it.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3. Uzzi and Sharron from one who knows what it is like

Sharron Thank you, As you say if our talking about things can help just 1 other, then talk away.

I will say that yes I am still ashamed and embarrassed but I no longer cover my scars, They are part of what I am. ;-)

Lagooner I would say welcome to the club, we have our own badges, I will say well done for joining us here.
I am proud of you as it takes a lot of courage to come forward like you have

You may not believe it but it really wasn't your fault you know.

Sharron is that to me or Lagooner or both :-D

We have all been in the same boat Uzzi. I still have scars physically as well as mentally courtesy of my so called Mother . The mental ones are the worst <3

To the world.

Hypnotherapy can be a big help in letting go of many of the mental scars.

Jacqui, your experiences, hard as they were to cope with, have made you the person we know and care about now. You have found strength to cope with your past from the love you receive now, and the respect too. The same with others who go through such difficult times, hopefully when they find love and support it helps build strength and self esteem and life can change for the better.
Knowing someone listens and cares makes a big difference.

Love

Lizxxx

Uzzi, I think you are so brave for saying that. Years ago a friend of my daughters told me she self harmed in the same way as yourself. I had no idea as she is always so bubbly and smiling, on the outside such a happy girl. She had managed to stop doing it when she told me. She said she felt better for telling someone about it. Just shows that we never know what people have been/ going through and how much we can cover up.xx

It just never occurred to me to self-harm like that, in fact I had never heard of it happening until it was reported that the Princess of Wales had done it.

Having said that, I did used to stick pins in my gums.

Lagooner like yourself my mental scars used to be worst than anything physical, personally I would rather cut my throat then go through the mental abuse again, But I did it and I am here now a bit tatty around the edges at times but then that just frames my personality, If sometimes I am a tad sarcastic, or harsh so what, walk a mile in the shoes I had before you judge me.
So my fellow club mate, hold your head up and be proud, I am proud of you :-D