General Chat

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.' If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.' To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'

A little boy is sitting on a park bench eating a huge bar of chocolate. The old man next to him says ' Eating too much chocolate is not good for you sonny' The little boy says ' Well, my Grandad lived to be a hundred!' Old man - ' How? By eating lots of chocolate?' Boy 'No by minding his own B****y Business' :o))))))

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define 'great' he said, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!' He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

PMSL Kim

Dear Editor, I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for murder. I love this girl very much and want to marry her. My problem is this: Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? Sincerely, Larry

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee. 'I just can't believe this,' said the distraught husband. 'What's not to believe?' the detective said. 'It's right up there on the screen!' 'I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!' the husband replied.

Becx that was brilliant!! Here's one for the oldies!!! Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town and depsite his age, Claude was still a bit of a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the after glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their thoughts. Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle' Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose'.

Jacq - that's brilliant :-)

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, 'I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.' The husband says ' WHAT???' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says 'but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ' I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ' The husband says, ' no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.' The wife face goes blank. ' No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.' Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ' You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!'

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, 'The weather out there is terrible.' To which she sleepily replies, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?'

A punk is sitting on a bus (You know, with his hair dyed orange blue and pink) an old man keeps staring at him. So the punk (getting annoyed by this ) asks him if he has a problem. The old man replies ' Well son, I was in the navy for 30 years, and travelled the world. I did a lot of things I now regret. Once in Australia I sh****d a parrot - and was wondering if you were my son' !!!!

Going Out A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!'

Ady - Superb! Never heard that one before!!

Becx , Great one I will send that to Jamie now cheers sweetie Susie x

Three magazines write an article on orgasms. Cosmopolitan tells you how to have one. Womans Own tells you what they are. Peoples Friend tells you how to knit one Linda

Rose Buds A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is not appropriate…. The grandmother says… “Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets!!!”

lol :-)

Sorry Wales……. Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the Zoo’s machinery. Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to service the gorilla for £500? Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their off, only under three conditions: “First “ he said “ I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this” The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. “Well”, said Gareth…… “You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500”.

Thanks Art Jacq - That is soooo good