General Chat

A New Creation 'Story' In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, 'You want chocolate with that?' And Man said, 'Yes!' and Woman said, 'and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.' And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size14. So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad.' And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it 'Angel Food Cake,' and said, 'It is good.' Satan then created chocolate cake and named it 'Devil's Food.' God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, 'You want fries with that?' And Man replied, 'Yes! And super size them!' And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the National Health Service. Thought for the day ...... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. :-) c x

special nudge for Deb who needs a laff :-) c x

Little ray. i am well and truely sorted now. they are soooooo funny. thank you deb xxooxx

pmsl

A young girl,Estelly,a bit on the dizzy side, from some little town up in Lancashire,St Helens I think it was. She got this job as a farmhand on a small farm up in the Lake district. She hadn,t worked there long when one morning the farmer calls her over, ' Estelly, there,s an Artificial Insemination man coming this morning to inseminate one of the cows, I,ll be out in the fields all morning, so I have knocked a nail above its stall, so you,ll know which one, OK?' 'Yes Mr Giles, no problem' Later that morning the man arrived, she took him down the row of cows, 'It,s that one there, that one' ' you sure'man says, 'yep' Estelly replied,' its the one with nail over' 'Whats the nail for' the man says. 'It must be to hang your pants on' she says, walking away.

Thanks Cliff..... Wot do you mean dizzy????? and shouldn't it be about a sheep????? (or do you not know that saying?)!!!!!

Stelly I,m gutted, Hope you didn,t think that was some joke about you, NO! No! No! Would I? It is true, very coincidental I agree. We were still robbed!

Promised I wouldn't bring it up.....but you were definately not robbed!!!! Wasn't offended.........only joking luv...... Would have been better if it was a sheep though!!!!!

News Flash just in, from our Belfast reporter, 'A chinook helicopter as just crashed into a graveyard on the Irish border' Assistant Police Commissioner, Stelly O,Brian reports so far rescue services have recovered 96 bodies and states there could be more! Names have been changed to protect the innocent

I see you have protected the innocent really well!!!! You have obviously not recovered from the result at the weekend!!!!! And I don't blame you!!!! (Do we still 'hate' each other then?) (joke...just in case you didn't get it) Any good jokes coming my way?????? I live in hope.......

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.' Debra replied, 'Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.'

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. 'It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out.' 'That's very sensible, sir.' At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. 'Get my brown pants.'

an oldy but goody... Young Sharon went to the doctor with a chesty cough. (you'll like this one D.B xx)... v v He rubbed the end of his big..... long.....and very...... v v flexible.....stethescope.....to make it nice and warm........... v v and placed it on her heaving chest....(you there yet Dave? to.. be... continued....

continued........ By this time..... little bead's of sweat were gently rolling down her ,baby soft neck, and her cheek's flushed a.... v v delicate shade of pink, when her huge green innocent eyes...... slowly lifted and gazed into the darkness of the handsome doctors own pupils....... She felt he's warm hands,and the hardness of his now hot v stethoscope......Then, as if faraway, from some heavenly place... she heard him say.... in a deep , strong, masculine voice (a bit like DB's.....

.......BIG BREATH'S and she said......... v v v v YETH, AND I'M ONLY THIKTH-TEEN !!!!!!!!! sorry.... xxkxx

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears. 'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!' shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er . How moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash. '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) . . . I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Two men on two entirely different continents each had the same Identical phrase cross their minds. No 1, was a nervous tight rope walker high up on a wire stretched between two skyscrapers.........-midway across....... No 2 was a man enjoying a '' B.J.'' being given by a lady that was well, well past her years........... what was the phrase?

''Do not Look down!!''

LOL nice! c x

Old Hubby says to Wife Well I'm off to the Doctors then Wife says Why are you sick' No he says I'm going to get me some of those Viagra Pills Wife says Hang on a minute I'll get my coat and go with you Hubby says Why are you sick? No she says but if your going to use that rusty old thing I'm getting me a tetanus shot