General Chat

A lunatic in the asylum sees the laudry door open,, goes in and makes mad passionate love to the laundry ladies.... sees the exit door open and escapes.... the next day in the papers the headline is

What's the punchline Colin??

Colin........grrrrrrrrrrrr

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts ........... very old

Thank you Colin Great Beryl!!!!

Why do Women get married in White? So that they match all the other appliances!!!!!

Jacq!!! How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? Approx 10, 1 to change it and the other 9 to hear how well he screwed it!

They might be old but still good ... lol

A man has been marooned on an island for 3 years. One day a bond type girl walks out of the surf wearing a skin tight black wetsuit. He is over joyed and tells her he has been alone for 3 years. 'Three years' she says'you must be desperate for a smoke?' 'I am,I am' he replies. So she goes to a little pocket and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. 'This is just what I wanted' he gasps and puffs away.. 'Three years ' she says'You must be desparate for a drink?' 'I am, I am' he replies. Going to another discret pocket she pulls out a bottle of brandy. 'This is just what I needed' and he gulps away. 'Three years'she says' you must be desperate to play around' 'Blooming hell' he cries' Dont tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there as well' I love the old ones. Mick

The Drunk and the Ghost An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?' The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost'

KICK The little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. 'Not yet' said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. He goes to feed the chickens ... and he kicks the chicken. He goes to feed the cows........ and he kicks the cow. He goes to feed the pigs....... and he kicks the pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick the chickens, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk.' His father comes down for breakfast, and he accidentally kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother and says 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler) which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? A little voice came out of the box:........... 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my ******* shoes on.'

Three guys in the golf club were sitting in the club house discussing how they can pick a replacement for their foursome, as one of their number had gone to the 20th green( in the sky) There was a lady nearby who over heard the conversation, and butted in, offering to take his place...... Hearing that she was quite a good player they offered to give her a trial, what time shall we start in the morning? they asked her........Oh 7 or 730 am. ok they said and duly met up the next day and at 7 am,off she went playing with a set of right handed clubs....well she WAS good and they offered her another game next day......what time? oh she said 7 or 7 30 am.....this time at 7 am she had a set of left handed clubs and played equally well with those...This went on for some time.....at.7am in the morning.....sometimes playing right. and sometimes playing left handed. Well in the end they just HAD to ask how she decided which set of clubs to use, Oh she said, thats easy, when i wake up in the morning I look at hubby and if he's swinging to the right, I play right and if he's swinging left, I play left.... Well one of them just HAD to ask what if hes straight up? WELL she said Then i'll be here at 730 Bob

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work hard, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your arse and find something better. If you get a job or a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets one ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If she gets paid, she says, 'That's my paycheque.' If you get paid, she says, 'That our paycheque.' If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive b*stard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Andy - how true that lot is !!!

A fairtale Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to mary him The woman said no The man lived happily ever after

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'. To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see.', replied the boy, pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.' 'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men', the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy;' Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March...'

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. 'What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20.' 'Why is it that cheap?' the woman asks. 'Well', replies the assistant, 'it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity'. 'Oh, I don't mind that', said the woman, making her mind up, 'I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'. So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. '**** me, a new brothel and a new madam'. 'I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel' scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home. 'Un-*******-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes' says the parrot when he sees the daughters. 'Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes' complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the womans husband Dave comes home. 'In-*******-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?'

lol Good one Andy!

The 2000 Darwin awards! (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award. (11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun. (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death. (16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play. (1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head. (August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming. First Runner Up Award goes to ... (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. 'Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything,' the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported. And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is..... (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to 'live on Zionist time.' Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.