General Chat

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. 'So am I' she says. 'What suburb in Melbourne?' 'Glen Iris' he says. 'That's amazing' she says, 'so am I' '- what street?', 'Cameo Street' he says.' 'This is unbelievable' she says, 'what number?' He says 'Number 20' and she is astonished. 'You are not going to believe this' she says, 'I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!' 'I know' he says 'your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!' He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

That's brilliant Andy!

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a 'Wall Street Journal' article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you. 1. Compaq is considering changing the command 'Press Any Key' to 'Press Return Key' because of the many calls asking where the 'Any' key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the 'send' key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. 'Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,' the customer replied. When told 'Egghead' was a software store, the man said, 'Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.' 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was 'bad and an invalid'. The tech explained that the computer's 'bad command' and 'invalid' responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, 'I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.' The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked 'What power switch?' 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: 'Hello, is this Tech Support?' Tech: 'Yes, it is. How may I help you?' Caller: 'The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?' Tech: 'I'm sorry, but did you say a 'cup holder'?' Caller: 'Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.' Tech: 'Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?' Caller: 'It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.' At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into 'Drive A' but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

two birds sitting on a perch - one says to the other: can you smell something fishy? :-) Joy

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN 'I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again'. When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of 'confusion'.

Irish confession 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman.' The priest sighs. 'Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?' 'Yes, Father,' tis I.' 'And who might be the woman you were with?' 'I shan't be tellin'you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. ' Was it Brenda O'Malley?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Lisa O'Shanter?' 'I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.' 'Was it Cathy O'Dell?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Fiona Mallory, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now...' Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Five more good leads!' says Tommy.

Tales From The Shire Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, 'I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!' In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, 'How did it go?' The first one answers. 'It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it.' The second hobbit shook his head. 'Manhood problems, eh?' 'No. I couldnt get on the bed!'

Whats Brown and Sticky???????????? A Stick Silly!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have been told this evening that I need to join in more so here are my contributions to Bec's thread! A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.' The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Can't take the credit for this one but think it's funny! In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them 'Why do you buy them then?' he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.

CARDS A WOMAN ONCE SAID MEN ARE LIKE PLAYING CARDS AS WE NEED A HEART TO LOVE HIM A DIAMOND TO MARRY HIM A CLUB TO HIT HIM ... AND A SPADE TO BURY HIM EILEEN

Nudged for anyone who needs a laugh

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks, 'What do you want?' They say, 'Women.' She asks, 'How old are you?' They say, '90.' So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow-up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing. When they come back downstairs, the first old man asks the other, 'How was it?' The other one says, 'I think she was dead, she just lay there. How was yours?' 'I think mine was a witch.' 'A witch?' 'Yeah, I bit her on the t*t, so she farted and flew out the window.'

Andy That's the best of the lot. PMSL!!!

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?' he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. 'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?' he tries. The two continue to stare. 'Parlare Italiano?' No response. 'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.' 'Why?' says the other. 'That guy knew four languages and it didn't do him any good.'

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words. 'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.' 'Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and disheveled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator.' 'She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.' 'She was cold, so I gave her a sweater I had bought you for your birthday, which you never wore because the colour did not suit you.' 'Her trousers were worn out so I gave her one of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?''

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English, can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssst' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes 'Psssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.' 'What are you talking about?' asks the guy. 'When the postman delivered mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.' 'What???' the guy asks incredulously. 'Then what happened?' 'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'My God!' he exclaims. 'Then what?' 'Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...' 'Well???' demands the frantic guy. 'Then what happened!?!' 'Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.'

Do you know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin!