General Chat

Hi Esta,
I am sure this situation is stressful for you but you must stand firm.
Its also unfair on your daughter if she is contributing and he isnt.
Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind.
Sounds to me like you have tried to be supportive but 5 years is long enough to put up with his laziness.
Time to think of yourself,
big hug for you,
Cath

Our son was the only one of his group who was expected to help with household expenses, and the only one who could manage his money when he left home. Nuff said!

Hows it all going?

At the end of the day you cant let him walk over you.He has to pay his way through life and he should start now. He is pushing his luck.

I know the feeling of falling out and how 'bad' you are. Been there and wore the tee-shirt lol
They dont mean half of what they say to you.I know it's hard being a parent at times.

If you havent done it allready, you need to sit down calmly and say 'This is what is happening'. We dont want you to leave but, if you are staying these are the rules.and if he thinks he can find better,wish him all the luck and tell him he can pop round for tea now and again.

One of mine used to really get to me. We seemed to rub each other up the wrong way.
All has been great..since he moved out 8/9 yr ago lol.

Marion

Esta , send him round mine and my boys can have a chat with him, My 20 yr old in the army helps out with shopping when he's home on leave, pays his own car and phone bills etc, 18 yr old when he has work pays a contribution to household bills etc, 16 yr old pays £25 per week from his apprentiship money, All the boys help with household chores, if their washing is not in the laundry basket i do not wash it, if they are not in when tea is served they make their own. This may sound harsh but they have grown up knowing that we are super parents NOT super human.
It must be very hard for you if you do not have the support of your husband, and boys can wield that emotional bully tool incredibly well ,but remember you have done a fantastic job as a mum and your son has given you great joy and pride throughout his life, things will get better. x Izzy

Call a policeman and ask him to escort your son off the premises. And you give him a good slapping on the way out, cheeky little toerag!

Don't some of us wonder why we bothered !!!! We have 2 sons the eldest wasn't any trouble - he went to uni but lived at home and travelled to uni every day - we paid for travel card for him and feed him etc. but anything he needed for uni and his clothes he paid for himself by working part time. The youngest - well I will not go into details but he caused us so much heartache and I shed so many tears - but heyho he is now 34 and both his dad and I are proud of him. But having said all that we had house rules and they had to help out as we both worked - I always remember wanting a dishwasher and my hubby wrote a rota out and stuck it on the noticeboard in the kitchen - lol - did not work very well !!!!
Both our sons can cook, wash and the eldest one might iron but the youngest one doesn't !!!
Hope you manage to sort things out.
Take care
Love Mary xx

nearly sixty years ago I left school at 15.......first job paid 50 shillings a week.. I gave mum 30 of that and managed on the pound for myself....at times I had to ask for a couple of bob back........but I knew my priorities.....

I was working and it was expected.....to help out.

Bob

Foggy is right ....

Your son is taking the P***.....tell him he does what u ask or goes and give him a dead line ...

Why are you letting him do what he wants at this age ...did you let him do as he wanted when he was little???

My son is currently living with us. He did leave home for a while after uni, but "bounced" back after several years.

I don't charge him rent as he has been saving like mad since he reappeared to get his deposit together to buy his own place. However, he buys a lot of his own food (he's wheat-free), he pays for his own toiletries etc, he pays half the cost of the Broadband rental and contributes towards the cost of Sky TV. He also pays any long-distance telephone calls (dad is in NY).

He is chief emptier and putter-awayer of the dishwasher.

He also walks the dog, sorts out any computer problems we have, house sits when we are away - including looking after dog and cat. (And he always gives the front room a brilliant clean up the day before we come back ...). And most of those times he does remember to water the plants in tubs in the garden.

He does his own washing, ironing, room-cleaning etc.

He will cook for all of us occasionally and if we are eating food that is "safe" for him we automatically make sure he has some of that. (He works slightly odd hours - not 9-5).

He pays for his own driving lessons etc. And never assumes that he will get a lift anywhere. At the moment he walks, cycles or gets a bus.

Frankly, if was anything like your lad I would have kicked him out yonks ago. No way would I put up with that sort of behaviour. And no way would I tolerate any grumbling about my expectations. My son does what he does with good grace and still mutters on about not paying rent and how guilty he feels ... but he has just completed on his first house purchase so it has all been worth it. And I will miss him like mad when he (finally) moves out!

Grit your teeth, dig your heels in and tell your lad to buck up or ship out. Good luck.

Jill

It seems to me, Esta, that your greatest problem right now is not trying to make your son pay for his keep. It is the tackling of his conduct towards you and his sister.

For I get the feeling it is that which is upsetting you more than his failure to put his hand in his pocket.

Perhaps you should consider putting the financial issues on the back burner for a while and address your son's relationship with his family. For if that cannot be resolved then the only course for relieving you of the pain it causes you is to show him the door .................whether he pays for his keep or not.

It may well be that professional/expert help is available. Others will know better than me if it is.

And if his attitude towards his family were to change for the better .............. then maybe his attitude towards paying his way may swiftly follow suit.

I have not said Esta is in hurry to get rid of her son nor have I contradicted myself I was commented on one ot the post that stated a son of 21 should not be living at home and inquiring if Esta was infirm and needed her son to look after if not he should not be living at home, that is the part I disagreed I with, not Eesta if you read through all the threads properly you will see the post I was disagreeing with

Esta, I really do feel for you, I have been in a similar position with my 3 daughters.

My eldest moved to uni in London, having to grow up quick and look after herself. Students - no money, so had to get a part time job waitressing. It got her through and we took food parcels each time we visited. That was the first year. Luckily, for 2 years she moved in with her cousin and contributed as much as she could with rent, food etc which worked well. Then they both moved closer to home where she stayed for another year. She now has her own tiny flat, full time job and "managing" her money on her own.

One of my twins also went to Uni and house shared with other students for 3 years. She also found a part time job at Asda of a weekend and it was enough to get by. She is now living back home whilst doing her masters. She never asks for anything, she does her own washing/ironing, still works her job at asda, and does paid research work for lecturers etc at Uni. She never stops and struggles to earn enough to pay the petrol to and from uni. We feel justified not to charge her any rent because she tries so hard and simply just doesn't have anything left over. She is at Uni all day, comes home, wolfs food down and then goes to work as a barmaid most evenings. She is back at 1am and starts her uni work...going to bed at about 4am and up again at 8am. She refuses any financial help from us and we worry she is doing too much.

Her twin sister chose not to go into further education. Now this is our bug-bearer. She and I are alot alike and we are always arguing. Just before she was 17 she moved out of the house (she felt we treated her differently) and was able to find a little flat whilst she went to college for a year. Once her college course finished, she had to give up the flat as it was subsidised. At the same time, my father-in-law passed away and left the house to my husband and his sister, leaving behind his cat. My daughter moved in to look after the cat. We didn't charge her rent so long as she paid the bills and looked after the cat. She got a job working as a bar maid which she enjoyed but struggled to make ends meet. Then she started up a relationship which unfortuately lead to pregnancy. This was after she had been in the house for 1 year. At this point, we extended our mortgage to by my sister-in-laws half of the house and insisted she paid us rent also. This was fine until she got pregant. Her boyfriend moved in who was in and out of work over the next two years....he was on a free trip, she kept him and the baby! When she was on maternity leave, the rent started sliding - how could we kick her out with a baby on the way, so we let her stay at our cost. He had no intention of getting work and sticking with it, so she finally saw sense and through him out. She has no financial support from him for the baby, but he does babysit so she can work....very nice of him!!! She started getting into arrears with her bills and just couldn't manage. Refused to move back with us so moved into a house share. This lasted 6 months and wasn't working, the other tenants wouldn't tolerate a 2 year old, and he isn't naughty either! Because she had utility arrears from her own house, she failed a credit check and couldn't have her name on the tenancy in the shared house but was allowed to sub-let from the others in the house. However, because of this was unable to claim housing benefit to cover rent, so she was no better off. She is now in another house...a filthy, damp place and can now claim housing benefit again. The rent....£480 per month! The housing benefit £320 per month. She is still working, and still struggling. What she could do with £1000 per month income!!! She would be better off giving up her job, but refuses to do it and continue working, she knows she would be better off at home but does not take advantage, which brings me to your son (sorry for going on).

He is old enough to look after himself. He earns enough to look after himself. he doesnot need you to run him to work, he can find his own way or even save up for a car!

He IS taking advantage and he knows it.

My husband thinks I am unreasonable, when I refuse to throw more money at our daughter to bail her out again when she can move home.

My answer, I treat her the way I want to and he helps her as much as he wants to.

If you and your husband can't agree....your son knows this which weakens your case too! Tell your husband that you are going to make Your stand and not do his washing etc etc, not do his shopping, not run him every where he wants to go. What he chooses to do is up to him.

Tell your son to clean his room or you will do it for him AND clear out his stuff too! When he threatens you again with "so you are throwing me out" simply say "Yes" unless you pay your way AND HELP OUT! Then give him 2 days to decide what he wants to do, if he decides to go, give him 2 weeks, on his wage, he should be able to find somewhere within a week!

Sorry, ran out of room......

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!

He will sort himself out and will probably enjoy his new found freedom!

Finally, you do not need to buy his toiletries or his "favourite" foods - I bet you do!

If he leaves things lying around in your living space, tell him to put them away or you will bin them next time... and do it. He will soon get the message you mean business.

It will be hard, but at the moment he knows you will not do anything about it. Time to change. i think.

Go for it, it couldn't be any worse....could it?

Good Luck
Dee

Esta is your son waiting for his girlfriend to finish uni so he can live with her and expect her to look after him?

Show him these threads which give a lot of good advice maybe he will take the hint and stop feeling sorry for himself.

Teresa

Dee..did you run out of breath writing that? lol

Thank you for the supportive posts at least I am not alone. It is not about the money it is about the absolute lack of any respect for us or our home.

For the past 5 years he has been an absolute nightmare. I believe he is waiting for his girlfriend to go and come back from uni so that they can move in together but in the meantime he is just using every trick in the book to take no responsibility for anything. He has no outgoings, he wont learn to drive unless I pay for his lessons (which I'm refusing to do as he has had a job for 2 months now and can pay himself). He doesn't see the need or want to contribute to anything at all and is so unkind with his words that we all avoid being in the same room as him.

I love him dearly but I do not like him!

Esta, I know what you mean about loving him and hating him, I have the same relationship with my one daughter.

Marion....I do tend to go on a bit...but I just wanted Esta to realise she is not alone with kids and the problems that go with them, not that we are talking about kids, they are adults now. And that is the point. Adults and old enough to make their own mistakes in life.

Esta. You need to be unkind to him. pluck up the courage and stand up to him. Decide what you would like changed. Make the plans of how you want to change them. Make the rules. Relay them to your son (and husband). Implement them and STICK TO YOUR GUNS! If you don't stick to them, they will not work and you loose the fight making it harder to change anything in the future. Make sure that you give conciquences with none complyance to the new rules and follow them through.

As I said before, moldy food and dishes in his bedroom is not acceptable....you will run out for yourselves besides anything else, get him to tidy his room, bring down the dishes (and wash them) if not, tell him you will tidy his room but will be ruthless.

One thing I have found about bringing up teenagers, is they do not like you in their rooms and certainly don't like you touching their "stuff".

Presumably, as with a lot of selfish children, his washing is just left in his room or lying around the bathroom.

If it is the bathroom, throw it into his room. If it is already in his room, tell him, it won't get washed if it is not in the washing basket, and only if he contributes to washing powder!

If he wants his washing ironed....buy him an iron and board to do it himself.

If he wants feeding, he is to be home when you are eating yourself, but can help wash up afterwards. Otherwise, don't feed him, he will find something when he is hungry. Also, if he wants meals cooked, he has to contribute to the shopping.

Once you have implemented these things and others, he should realise what he is getting. He may not be up to apologising to you. But, if he complains....he can move out.

As for his girlfriend, does she realise that he plans to replace you with her? Instead of you supporting him, he is waiting for the time when she can? Poor girl. How is she gonna do that on student finances?

If your husband doesn't like you refraining from "motherly duties", perhaps he can take over?

Sit down with the local property ads and talk out loud about the ones which would suit him. Keep putting them under his nose. If he moves out, I am sure your relationship will improve over time, once he has to fend for himself and have a reality check on the costs of things.

Best of luck with it all
Dee

PS: Sorry for going on again!

It sounds like he needs a good kick up the jacksy, you are to soft with him
let his girlfriends parents keep buckshee, I dont think they would put
up with it, and neither should you, no pay no play, if he lived under my roof
he would have been long gone, its about time he grew up and showed his mother some respect, sorry if I sound harsh but parasites dont half
nark me off.

Good Luck

Ray x

Esta, Print these pages off. Sticky tape them onto the dining room or kitchen table and leave them there. Yes it will take you a while to print them all. Copy and paste is probably the best way to do it.

If they get ripped up. Do it again. Next time on his door.

He will read them. If he doesn't, post them to him.

Point out the most important feature of the replies on this thread. The fact that even while we have differences of opinion about solving the problem you have presented we are united in our criticism of his behaviiour and support you in your decision to take action, whatever that action.

Oh and PS. Give a copy to the girlfriend.

Dee good on you,I'd be here all night writing all that out lol