General Chat

I have been having thoughts about the next of kin bit and have come to the conclusion that it would be silly for it to me as I am so far away, so hopefully it is her friend and husband as they have my number.
I shall not fret over it ..she happy and well where she is and I have more to worry about at the moment as Minx had another epeleptic fit at 6 am

oh the trials of mothers and pets :-D

Here is a ((((HUG)))) for you Uzzi.

Huia.

Hope Minx will be ok, Uzzi

As you say, as long as your Mother is happy and cared for and her friends will take responsibility for her day to day problems, you needn't fret and can concentrate on making sure the dogs are ok and your life is smooth. Time enough for you to have to do more I am sure, so take the chance to recharge your own batteries now.


Lizxx

I so want to hit my head on a brick wall now
I spent ages the other day trying to explain to mother what I am trying to do and she understood none ...tonight whooo she understands everything I said last time and a few of her own


sorry head is &**^^%$£ with her

Poor you. Sadly that is how it is with some days lucid and some days they are gone completely. My friend is the same with her mother and one of her friends is also the same. How about mother wanting the car brought into the house to keep it out of the weather (and I don't mean the garage).

Try to stay as calm as possible. I can't help but think that you are lucky not to be so close. Bad enough to have the situation at all but if you lived by her, trust me about being totally drained physically and mentally all the time.

xJ

Uzzie, without being unkind I have to smile at your tribulations with your mother, because my brother & I had similar problems with our mother.
Because we both lived a long way away from her (he in Cornwall & I in Spain, while mother was in Birmingham) we tried every which way to make sure she was cared for, only for our efforts to be thwarted by her. She would cancel appointments made with the GP, Social Services, Home Care etc, refused residential Care & after a spell in hospital, fought against respite & made the staff´s life a sheer misery.
She told my younger daughter that we had done absolutely nothing to help her & as a result, my daughter hasn´t communicated with me for over 4 years & I have never been allowed to see my only granddaughter who was born shortly after Mother died 4 years ago.
In point of fact, I went over to England twice, my brother went up from Cornwall several times & my sister in law, whose own father was dying of cancer at the time, went up from Cornwall to stay with her when she went home from respite, to make sure everything was in place for her care.
My thoughts are with you & I wish you the very best of luck.

Uzzie
Had a lot of this MIL. Always ill at Christmas and we were expected to drop everything and rush down. Don't feel bad about your Mum, she has given you a lot of grief in the past. I know she's still your Mum but you can't be all things to all people. I think that's a right quote but not sure.

I also had a lot of trouble with my own Mum. She had a urine infection and went completley doo lally. But, of course, we did nothing!!!! for her (not) but my step-sister was wonderful (again not).

So look after yourself first and let someone else take the strain for a little while.
Phyll

Wisechild. You are not alone in doing your very best and then having it all denied. I cared for both my parents in their last years up until the last few months when it made no difference. They treated me with less care and concern than they would a slave. I sat in the same room whilst the female parent told her doctor that she and the male parent had done everything by themselves without help from anyone for all those years. I know the lies continued after I left the room because the doctor did not wish to speak to me. The female parent had made it clear that I was the daughter who when occasionally asked to help out couldn't cope. Then a couple of months later I was visiting her in the home she was in for respite, at the same time as her nephew and his wife. I listened to the lies she told them about me. Then when I denied them in her presence, she looked me straight in the face and told me I had mistreated her. Although the cousins and I had a good relationship and they saw how things were, they no longer wish to have anything to do with us or our kids. Your daughter obviously believed her nan which is dreadfully sad. I wish that my kids could have you as a nan.

Nothing makes the hurt go away but know that you did everything you could. One day your daughter might realise the truth.

Hugs in your direction.xJ

Thanks Jillian.
It´s good to know someone understands.
Mother´s neighbour & the vicar who took the funeral service both totally ignored my brother & myself at the funeral. Goodness knows what she had told them. Had the same problem as you with several of my cousins & their families. They spoke at the funeral.....just, & have never heard a word from them since. It was noticable that none of mother´s so called closest friends either came to the funeral nor sent flowers or cards & my daughter didn´t come either, using the excuse that she was pregnant & the journey would be too tiring. One of mother´s neighbours said she was unaware that mother had any children, even though I used to visit regularly until I retired & moved to Spain the previous year & even then I went back twice a year to visit her & spoke on the phone at least once a week.
I feel very sad for my granddaughter because her father´s mother died many years ago, so I am the only grandmother she has & as far as I can tell, she doesn´t know I exist. I send presents for her birthday & Christmas, but they are never acknowledged, so I have no idea whether they are given to her or not.
Kids need grandparents.

Sorry Uzzie. Seem to have hi jacked your thread unintentionally.
Try to be strong & just do the best you can. You can´t do any more.
Thinking of you.
Marion

Marion it is not a problem you hijacking the thread. Your problems are far worse than my own in many ways.
I don't have children or grandchildren to have to worry about and my sister hasn't even spoken to mother for 8 years at least (if they spoke at my wedding .mind my sister hasn't spoken to me for 7yrs lol

Mind I've still got mother to contend with :-0

It's now definate that I am going to fly over just haven't sorted dates out but listening to mother today you would have thought I had ...until right at the end when she decided she would find me a flight for the dates mentioned. Noooooo OH has to get the time off work 1st and we still haven't got his dates sorted. I ended up laughing my head off, because she then phoned me back and said

"What dates are you coming over"

:-D :-D :-D

Uzzi, one day when you come over here just because you can and want to, I'll take you out for a glass of something very cold.xJ

You do have my sympathies, Uzzi, and all others who are going through similar. We have to bite our tongue SO SO many times, I'm surprised I still have one!

My mum has dementia though she is still in her own home at the moment, but is a constant worry to me. I realise, of course, that it will gradually get worse.
Some days I am run ragged, she can phone me 20+ times a day/night relating events which make no sense whatsoever and repeating question after question having forgotten that we've just spoken half an hour or 5 minutes previously about exactly the same thing.
Other days she seems quite lucid and I can have a fairly 'normal' chat with her - the lucid days are getting fewer.
I'm home in the UK still, since my Christmas visit - she absolutely refuses to go for any appointments I make, ie blood tests, doctor, hospital etc and 5 minutes later, having forgotten all about it, asks aren't we supposed to be at some appointment or other and why havn't we gone!
I do her washing/ironing and cooking while I'm here. When I'm away I stuff her freezer full of home made food before I go and then get tesco to deliver stuff weekly.
I am torn between two places.
My mum lives in the UK. I live overseas (usually) with my hubby.
Each of my visits to the UK is becoming longer and longer, as I find I cannot leave her alone for long periods like I used to (and she flatly refuses to have any social carer coming into the house). Consequently I am spending less time with my husband and my life with him......should mum go to a Home? Well she probably should, but at the moment I couldn't bear the guilt.

To top it all, her neighbour 'had a go' at me the other day in the middle of the High Street with this......"....after everything I've done for your mum, you can't even knock on my door and say thank you. You have no idea what I do for her, and you havent' once come to me and asked me how I am or how I feel........".etc etc Every time the woman paused for breath (not often) I apologised, and said No, I'm afraid I don't have any idea, I'm sorry I didn't realise she was asking for help. I don't know what she's doing when I'm away, what sort of help is she asking..."....to which the neighbour said "well I've had enough, I don't want it any more" and , having said her piece, stomped off down the street!!
How very mature (not).
I was absolutely gobsmacked, totally speechless and I stood there like a tailor's dummy for a full 10 minutes before I burst into tears in the middle of ruddy town!!

Yes, life can be truly SH** at times.

K



P.S.
My apologies, Uzzi, for hijacking your thread but I'm afraid it's all come tumbling out!! :-0 :-0 I'm afraid I've made it into a "get it off my chest" thread...K

Karen as I said To Wisechild Hijack all that you want, that is what these Mother dear threads have always been about. It's not just a place for me to rant, cry, laugh or scream for sympathy, help or understanding but for others also.
It's to help everybody to know that none of us are alone in what is happening not just just for the bitchy Mums that some of us have but also for the loved ones with problems.
I did have it explained to me on Sunday on the phone from her friend that those that help her have their own lives to contend with etc etc. and everybody thinks it is time I went over mmmm even tho' it was said ever so nicely I felt like a 5yr old and guilty even when I said that I am making arrangements to get over there.
Wisechild has already gone through the living abroad and mother in the UK and it's our turn now :-( Mind with the dogs I have and also that I try to strangle Mum if I have to spend a week with her ..the option of me spending too long with her isn't on the cards. After saying that we are talking about spending a month over later in the year and the possibilty of me having to return for a longer time at some stage.

So far Mum wants to go into a care home because she will have company but I don't think she has realised that she won't be able to take the contents of her 2 bed bungalow with her. She seems to think that she can leave the property just siting there waiting for her to return to when she feels like it.

Liz Minx is okay for now just have to keep an eye on her now and chart her fits thanks for thinking of her. It is looking now that I am going to have to do something for mum soon as her friends are backing out and handing it over to me :-0

Jillian I will hold you to that cold drink and buy you one back. Not sure where abouts you are but I am hoping to make Portsmouth on the Saturday that I am over and get a meet together for any who fancy coming along.

To anybody I haven't answered sorry but will ~~~~~ to Phyll who I know I missed.

edit to wave ~~~~~ to HuiaAllYear

Thanks for your kind words and understanding, Uzzi.
Difficult days ahead,
K x

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I know Uzzi won't mind for one minute you getting it all off your chest - she's a kindly gal.
My mum died many years ago, so I don't have these problems, but I really feel for you.

Wend x

~~~~~~~ Uzzi. Sorry, posted after you.

Cheers Wend.
K x

Sorry for all of you ladies with mother problems. I have posted on the narcissitic thread and thankfully I have no longer any problems but she left a legacy.

Please please do not, in any circumstances, be made to feel guilty, if someone says something - then tell them that there are two sides and they are not in the full picture.

Take care all of you - my thoughts and prayers with you.

Agree with Chris - what a tactless, thoughtless neighbour, Karen!

About that drink Uzzi. Sadly for you and gladly for me I am nowhere near Portsmouth. No plans to go near either as that is the area the sibling lives near and works in.

So sadly for you it won't be this visit but I promise we will get together. I'm in the Midlands near Birmingham but I would happily travel to meet you.

Wish I could be of some help.

xxJ