General Chat

Karen, dont feel guilty about whatever you do for your mother. If she doesnt go into care you could finish up with a breakdown, and what use would you be to her then? I had to get my OH into care as I was not getting enough sleep looking after him, I was a zombie a lot of the time. Now I am so much better, and he is well looked after. It just had to be, for both our sakes.

Huia.

Thanks to all for your kind words of encouragement.
K

Karen, I can't begin to explain how tired I was. It had reached the point long before things came to a head that I knew if I didn't do something soon I would have a stroke or a heart attack.

You have your family and they are the most important thing now. I said that whatever happened I would have no guilt because I had done my very, very best and that is how it was in the end.

I know that some of the people the parents knew think really badly of me. They never saw beyond the facade of 'a wonderful couple and you are lucky to have them for your parents' sort of cr*p. But I could no longer live my life to suit others or their opinions of me. My sibling did b****r all for a lot of years. She told me there was no point in coming up because she never did anything right if she did and made it clear she was perfectly happy with me doing it all. But not long ago told me that the years of going backwards and forwards looking after them had left her exhausted. I'm sure she is convinced that she really did do all the caring. She lives near Portsmouth and I am just around the corner from the house the parents lived in. So guess who was on call 24/7 365 days a year. And that includes even being summoned to help the female parent sit up in bed. By the time I got there she had changed her mind!

So the only family I have now are hubby and the kids and those I choose to call my sisters - friends who have helped to save my sanity these last years.

Unless people have experienced similar not many can actually begin to understand what things are like and how you feel. Like Huia said, don't feel guilty. I am proof that you don't need to and that you can come out the other end of where you are now.

Rant away on here or send me a pm - your choice.

Please look after yourself. Actually LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. THAT'S AN ORDER :-P

:-) and my thanks to you too Jillian :-)

Pew it's good to know there are other people out there who understand exactly what an exhausting trial it can be. It helps so much.

Anyway, Uzzi, back to you....I've hijacked this thread long enough....what & when are your plans for travelling back to UK?

K x

Hi Uzzie.
Just thought I would ask how you are getting on ?
Having been in the same situation & knowing how stressful it can be & even worse when you are too far away to have any real choices in the matter.
Hope things are settling down.
Marion

Hi Marion,

Not getting very far at the moment ..Sunday Mum's friend phoned to say she had phoned Mum and she was very down..translated to saying when are you coming over. She also asked about phoning her doctor about her going back into respite.

I agreed with the respite care again for 2 weeks if that is what Mum wanted. So far I haven't heard back as to whether this happened.

I'm arming myself with phone numbers of carers, voluntary workers mobility scooter places aswell as care homes and estate agents ready for when I come over in February. well in 3wks time :-0 I keep wanting to do something now but until I actually can see how things are I am at a lose end.

Thanks for asking.

Karen just read your post and, although no longer in the position of having parents and also never having had your problems with either of them thank goodness, did have the 'guilt' feelings of my Dad going into residential nursing home care. But he was happy there and well cared for and no way should you feel guilty if your Mum has to go into care. You need to be with your husband.

You don't still live in my area do you? Just wondered if you did we could meet up. :-)

A small grin in all of this :-D :-D

I have just been looking at care homes in Mum's area and have seen one called The Limes just around the corner from where she lives now.

How ironic would that be with all that is said about care homes as "The Limes" was the name of the boarding house that my mother shoved me in when she decided I was too much at home :-0 :-0

Just an amusing thought.

*sighs*
Mother dear has just phoned me ..apart from asking me umpteen times when I going over, I just have to shake my head.

She wants to fall out with her friend because she feels that she is poking her nose in. (mmm I was wondering from her calls to me) BUT she now informs me she is part of this and that society which takes her out. It took me half hr to work out she has only just contacted these people and has never been out with them yet.
Also she now wants to return with me to Spain when i come back ..

okayyyyyy we'll discuss this later I guess

*sighs*

Is this friend who is 'poking her nose in' the person who is next of kin?
Did your Mum nominate her as next of kin?

Sorry but alarm bells are ringing for me ...I hope wrongly, but we had terrible trouble a few years back sorting out an aged aunt's bungalow etc. as her 'friend' had told everyone auntie had no relatives..... and she took control of all aunt's money, closed all her bank accounts and had pensions etc. paid into her own ( the friend's) bank account.

I'd hate you to have a similar matter to deal with on top of everything else.

Gwen I think she is next of kin for the home, but I don't think she wants it as she keeps telling me she doean't want to know about my mothers quirk of hiding money etc, I think friend is just a bit overbearing. When she 1st phoned me she was the perfect friend but I have found since she is a tad demanding on me, and I am not sure about her frtiendship to Mum by what she has said to me. Sunday "friend" wanted Mum in care again but today talking to Mum she sounded fine and she is due to go out on wed and Friday. (unlike what friend has told me)

Until I get there I don't know as I know my Mum but ...

PS at the moment I really don't know where I am at ..
unlike me I can't even scream and feel better. I keep looking at my hands as if they can answer me. They can't, nor can the tears that I keep losing.

Do you know I used to be a runaway, I lived on the streets and I never felt so helpless as I do now. ..and now I am going to hide my tears and say goodnight

Uzzi - wish I could help - stay strong for yourself. Take care your friends are here for you.

Hopefully Uzzi you will feel better once you can get over here and see for yourself what is going on. As chris says, look after you. :-)

Uzzi when I was going through it all with my parents I felt so helpless even though I had Rob and the kids.

What kept me sane was them plus the marvellous people I knew via a couple of websites. There was always someone there supporting me and in the middle of the night I would read again their words.

You are most definately not alone. There is not one of us here who would not do anything we could to help you (golly I hope I said that right).

You take care. xxJ

This is all very hard for you being at a distance, Uzzi, and with the past you had with your family it's bound to have stirred up a lot of emotions and memories that will cause pain and anxiety. Just try and hold on to your humour, and your life with your o.h. and the dogs till you can get to visit and see things for yourself.
You have made a life for yourself despite considerable odds and you obviously have a lot of strength, dig deep and find that strength again to get you through such a rough time.

If your head starts to spin, why not jot down a few notes after phone calls, dating each call too so you can refer back and maybe work things out from the info you have noted, eg stuff from the friend and things your Mum says. At the moment your head must feel like a washing machine with all the different info whirling round, mine would I know.

Best of luck to you, you know you have us all here to send you good wishes and positive thoughts

Lizxx

Having been that *friend* when the family were many miles away I had to really push hard for them to take on the responsibility and get to see their father and it was something I didnt want put on me as it wasnt my place to just keep relaying messages when things went topsy turvy (not saying this is the case here) .....but maybe this could be the case here where the friend feels they dont wish to act as a go between and why shes being pushy not wanting to take full control and accountable.

hope all is ok when you get here. and you are put as NOK as is right.

Hi Uzzi,
Difficult isn't it. I don't know how I can help you to put it right and make things better (I wish I could) except to say 'hang on and stay strong'.
Once you get here I'm sure things will seem a lot clearer, as you'll be able to see for yourself how the situation is and assess it from there. Also you'll be able to speak to your mum and hear things direct rather than having to hear things via your mum's friend.

Thinking of you,
Karen x

P.S.

Ann in Glos, thanks for your offer :-)
I've PM'd you .

Karen x

Hello girls sorry I haven't been back for awhile ....l've been stick my hair back in ! :-D
Karen you lovely lady, you are welcome to hog the thread as much as you like, this thread isn't just for me. I hope it can help you also.

*sighs* it's now only a week away until I turn up there and already I am dreading it.
yesterday I had a phone call from a care home to ask me if I knew she was in there..well NO I didn't as mother dear was close by and hadn't bl**dy told me ( but cost me a fortune phoning her answering machine).
So I sweetly confirmed when I was arriving at either 1am or 5am in the morning of the 23rd so Mum bless her says I'll go home then on the 22nd
Nada No No you stay there until I fetch you on the 23rd ..
Mother objected but the nice lady who phoned agreed with me and said they will have the key for me to get in but will let Mum sleep until 11am and then send her home
MUM is FUMING about it she says she can be waiting for me at home.

That tells me that Mum is using care homes as hotels ( I may be being unfair as the doc has to recommend) .
The fact that I hadn't been told Mum was back in care tells me that she has fallen out with friend and I am now walking from Ryde to Bembridge :-D

Kay I do understand where you are coming from and Mums friend ..it's not that I don't want to go and see her it's difficult to explain and I feel guilty enough without all that.

Karen on a further note if you could make the Portsmouth meet we could probably turn it into a Mother Dear meet. :-0 I'm actually dreading that mother dear may decide she wants to come along to that meet :-S