General Chat

when me brains are pickled with the black stuff and me onions are dragging me down,whatever is going to become of me he thought, just then as if by a miracle ,he saw the most amazing sight in the distance-----

it was an octopus trying to make love with a set of bagpipes. Eldrick decided that he'd had enough to drink so he left the pub and hitched a lift on a pink elephant that just happened to stroll by.

He was beginning to get the feeling that he had crossed into an alternative universe. How was he

going to get away from its Tenticles just then

a lady from Cardiff strolled by and, grabbing his tentacles, shouted like a fishwife at him 'Get back to Scotland where ye belong, ye big pillock' and gave him a good kicking. He fell to the ground, groaning and tried to shield himself with his onions from her terrifying onslaught upon his extremities. Then he passed out and lay prostrate in the foetal position until

he was borne back to reality by the pain his extremities.

Now just anxious to return to his ancestral home as quickly, and as whole, as possible he

thumbed a lift on a dray cart that was going to scotland,mind he would have to sleep with the horse [better than Big Bertha though] so not long before he was back at Thirdegree Burns and

home!!

Ah!! That magical place where all would be well.

He

decided to look into his family history he didn't know his Dad only what Nanny goat had told him,whats more he never knew his mother .cos nanny had dragged him up,so he would ask the

local barmaid. She had all the information he would need and also had a very complicated family tree she had traced so

when she had discovered that her ancestors were all bards at the Irish court of King Malachy in 1056 it gave her a very superior air until she

realized it was only a dream x she had to much cheese for supper the night before so

Dispairingly he decided the best way to rid himself of his problems was to emigrate,he thought of going to Brazil But the last time he had anything to do with a Brazillian it hurt like hell, and that was part of the reason he lost his Neeps ( Apart from Neep-rot) so after deep thought he settled for Russia. he could enjoy all the Vodka and the women were,nt as bad as Bertha or Fag ash Lil and were a little (not much) smaller,and they could fun his farm whilst he spent time in his Dacha cultivating hi neeps and onions,but little did he know some one had attached a Homing device to his

sporran,where he kept his treasures and

It was bleeping and had a red light which kept flashing,was it the Phantom Flasher after him or some other sinister

no, it was just big Bertha, the nuns and the monks, the Hairy Biker and The nagging Sisters of the Sisterhood all trying to keep track of him. There were so many flashing things about the sporran it looked like a TOWIE girl on a night out. Our Hero, and he really is one after all he has endured, could be detected from the moon. oh dear this is

going to be a long night thank goodness for the flashing red light,but it is causing him some concern for

It is attracting some very

strange beings, carefully he gathered his neeps ans onions & stuffed them behind his sporran , he stood sideways & looked at

The sky and behold, a vision was in the sky, was it a bird, was it a plane no it was

No it was the Hairy biker again, he had built up a lot of wind and