General Chat

sorry!

Every week for the the last 5 years I have had at least 2 often 3 or 4 phone calls from a friend of my mum ( mentioned before on here that her husband died 5 years ago) and every conversation is the same, the weather the cats, problems that she has ( what about mine!) .... but I am hitting a wall where my sympathy is overtaken by exasperation, and depression to be honest that the phone will ring and it leaves me drained and tense.

This is today's. She relies on someone to go and pay her bills, in this instance the gas and electric, fortnightly on a card, now she's just rec' a letter saying she has 'not paid', but it was paid, just probably a few days late, so the letter was automatically generated and sent. That's all sorted but I asked why when she has to rely on someone else to go and pay does she not either have a monthly direct debit, or switch to a quarterly bill.Then she would not have to rely on the person going to pay on time (plus I think she is paying way too much and needs to check her tariff)

Answer: "It's the way we've always done it" ......aaaahhhh!

We've had much the same conversation re all her bills at one time or another and nothing I suggest is ever taken up.

There is also a weekly drama about the 'shopping lady' who buys the 'wrong thing'. eg a 4 pack of toilet rolls instead of 2...and I fail to see that as a problem, they're going to be used aren't they.

Sorry for the rant, just had to vent a bit :-) and it's better to do it here than take it out on the doors..SLAM! lol.

Never mind Rose; You're doing a sterling job letting her moan to you.

She's obviously one of those inward looking people who can't adapt to a changing world. If truth be told, we possibly all have some little quirk dating back to the way we've always done something.

Practise your Oooomms or take it out on the weeds! ;-)

Yes slashing down some weeds with a scythe, digging or some vicious hard pruning used to be good in times of stress DET. Can't do that today so I will walk up to the shop and hope the battle against the wind will do the trick :-)

Ooommmmmm ;-)

Sounds like she is an 'Energy Vampire'

I have a friend like that and I feel pretty much the same as you Rose!

before she starts whinging, get in first and do some whinging of your own, asking her if she can help you sort it out

Oh Rose, reading this is just like my mother. In oct I went down to see her and my family and I stayed with mum for about 5 days out of 11.

Stuck in her ways, refuses to pay direct debit. Insists on drawing out all her pension. getting pound coins and 50ps, puts in it various labelled jars each week til the bill arrives, then carts all these coins to the post office!!!!

Will only go out on certain days, only buys certains brands of food. only does her washing on 2 days a week. I explained that dds would mean when its wet and cold she wouldn't need to trek to the po as the bank will pay it for her but NO, No. NO she wouldn't budge on it.

When she tells me on a sunday, I listen for 20 mins whilst she tells me everything shes done all week, whats shes watched on tv before saying, oh well better see to me lunch before I can say "yes thanks for asking, we r all fine"....lol She never asks for the children unless I tell her some news. Shes on her own and has become very selfish in a way and now only thinks of herself. She has 3 grandchildren who live 10 mins away and yet never sees them much and it doesn't seem to bother her.

She really annoys me more now and its hard to bite my tongue at times but shes 79 now and I suppose I should be more tolerant but its hard when u offer help and its thrown back.

So u are not alone with the friend u are talking about. I just hope as I become old, I don't turn into my mother....Thankfully, im more like my dad :-D :-

And no rant away, if u cant do that on here amongst friends, then where can you?

Florence
in the hebrides :-)

Gins there are people like that for sure, I was told crossing your arms and legs stops them draining your energies.

Ann, she doesn't want to hear really, unless it's about my cats lol.

That's it Florence lol almost exactly as you've described. I suppose I was spoilt with my own mum as she was always open to new things, especially anything that made life a bit easier.

Been up to the shop, which blew more than a few cobwebs away, very 'whooshy' out there!

AnnCardiff is spot on leave a list of gripes by the phone(make some up if you have to)
Then when you have finished and before she can start say Oh! that's the the Tesco delivery man at the door must go now been so nice talking to you! ;-)

Ah but then Mayfield I would feel guilty ;-)

I already do, as I feel I 'should' ask her here for Christmas, and really can't. Though I wouldn't mind giving up my bed for her, it would mean I would have to fork out around £160 (which I don't have) to travel up by train, escort her back here then repeat the process...even if that were feasible it would be very fraught. :-0

Sit down till the feeling goes away! (Gin or any wine will help) she will no doubt be on to another contact complaining about your hospitality afterwards. ;-)

:-) wine it is then!

Rose <3 yes you have mentioned her before ----- your good deed for the week ------ Very difficult because I know that you appreciate she is a bit lost and lonely, (and stubbornly stuck in her ways.) best is to let her ramble on and then quickly say something like 'well I am sure you know best but it would really be better if you paid by direct debit then you wouldn't have all these problems.' then quickly cut her off by saying, 'lovely to talk to you, somebody at the door, pot boiling over, timer gone for a meal ' or something before she can drag you down. and just accept that she doesn't really want your advice she just want to moan to somebody.

Florence, It is nothing to do with age really it is to do with being stuck in a certain way of doing things. OK when we were first married I used to do that with cash in separate compartments of a larger cash tin made for the purpose, then paid cash with bills, it was how we did it in the 60s. But (and I am only 4 years younger than your Mum and OH only 2 years younger), we have developed with the computerisation of everything, the internet, internet banking etc. It is those who have not moved with the times, not had the opportunity and who don't understand that things are done differently now who really can't cope with modern life. I feel sorry for them, they are missing so much, but you can't help those who won't be helped. It is a shame because seeing your Mum should be a happy time and talking to Rose should be a happy time for her friend, they spoil it for themselves.

I also have to say some people are not happy unless they are miserable :-D

I pay extra to BT for the caller display service. Generally it is the 0800 and withheld numbers that are ignored. But sometimes I have been known to let even a friends call go to the answerphone.

I know that I am not the only one to do this. I have a (now) very elderly aunt who has her answerphone speaker on so that she can listen to inward calls. If I start with "Auntie, it's me", she picks up.

Yes you're right Ann I will have to do that when it gets too much.

Laughing at your last line :-) It reminded me that a couple of weeks ago when I went into town there was a young lady singing outside M & S, she was very very good and was singing cheery Christmas songs which really seemed to lift the mood.

This week the centre was more crowded and a young man was in the same spot and though his voice was good, his choice of song was very much in tune with 'Black Friday', I don't know the title but the tag line was 'my girlfriend left me suicidal in the city', not exactly an encouragement to stick around and listen :-)

Moving to a new home has much strain & stress even when the transactions of buying & selling go without a hitch. An occasional miracle, perhaps!

I always looked forward to meeting my immediate neighbours within days of arrival. In many instances, the people next door would usually pop in for the usual introductions & generous offering of help, if needed. Some are bubbly characters where building a friendship is easy - no apparent airs or graces & they get along famously too with the other member of the household - my cat.

In my latest relocation (hopefully my last one too other than the final short & mournful journey to the local cemetery - but not just yet!), there was an unusual exception in that one of my immediate neighbours gave the impression of being a bit 'stand-offish' - or so I thought. I didn't lay eyes on her for several days. It didn't worry me greatly for a while as I was busy getting my new abode into some sort of acceptable tidiness. Indeed some weeks passed without a real opportunity to speak to her. I later found out from others that she was an elderly lady not in the best of health with a husband of ill-repute, whatever that may be. All her fairly large family were grown up & married in homes of their own.

I'm not exactly an 'in your face' sort of character nor am I one to loiter shyly behind pillars either. When the house move was pretty much settled & I could locate the kettle without too much difficulty, I quietly posted a note through the said lady's letter box inviting her to pop in for tea, cake & a chat. On her return from a bit of retail therapy (that's shopping to you - it means Purgatory to me), there was a very gentle knock on my front door. My cat makes more noise than that in his comings & goings!

Brief introductions over & the kettle steaming away, I produced the promised tea & cake - all very British-like with the best China cups & saucers I could muster. Chipped mugs have a regular attendance in our kitchen most other days when nobody is looking.

Enquiring tentatively about her family status, she really did open up about her life. And I got the impression that she had very few dealings with others in the immediate area.

Well, to make a long story even longer, I was told that up until recently, she had a husband (a jealous devil, by all accounts) who, between them, somehow managed to produce & rear seven children. Nature is wonderful, isn't it? All are grown up now, most of them are married with families of their own. She added that none of them seem to care less if she was in hell. An odd comment, I thought as I sat quietly biting my nails trying to desist from blubbering.

She claimed she didn't have one real friend in all her 80 years simply because of her now deceased husband's intolerance. On her own after so many unhappy married years, she has been prescribed ongoing medication because she feels so lonely & depressed. She claimed she often wished she was dead.

None of her family, some of whom live fairly close by, speaks to her & she doesn't know why -- even though they do not hesitate to help themselves to her widow's pension money as if she was their ATM machine. Even worse, she said she has not seen a few of her many grandchildren.

Is this life? Trying to put in a day, let alone a week, a month or months on end, without a word to or from anyone. It must be sheer hell. Loneliness in old age must be deadly. What a disgraceful way to treat the elderly - doubly so when parents are pushed aside by their own.

Inky1, I've tried ignoring some of her calls, usually before I'm up or when I'm eating, but it's no good because she just keeps ringing every 20 minutes until I answer lol.

Another friend lets calls go to answerphone though, and just picks up when I say 'it's only me'. as she had been inundated with calls from scammers at all hours of the day and night.

All our calls go to answer phone.

That often happens Dermot. A neighbour of ours many years ago had been led quite a life by her husband, he called her 'mother' ( always odd I think) and prevented her in as many ways as there are, from having any friends or life outside of the home, a bully in other words. I can't remember if they had any children, I think maybe a son, but he had long gone to escape his father and I never saw him visit.

When the husband died she was free at last and met a nice man who took her on a cruise to see some of the things she had always wanted to, sadly she died within a year. It seemed even sadder that after so long a virtual prisoner she only had that small amount of 'life'.

Maybe your neighbour's children had just had enough of their father and if he wasn't very nice, feel she condoned his actions by staying? Some women do that, push their children away in favour of their husband, however unpleasant he may be.

That's not the case here mindyou my friend's husband was a nice chap, that's part of the problem though, they spent 40 odd years in close harmony and she didn't 'need' anyone else. Sadly no children.

Ann, I think my eyes are getting worse, I looked at

" all our calls go to answerphone"

and read it as 'All our cats go to answerphone' :-D

:-D :-D :-D