General Chat

instead of clogging the board up with loads of separate threads, it's gonna be easier to keep adding to the same thread. So here's the first one......

A Fairy told a married couple: 'For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish' 'I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband' said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and abracadabra, two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: 'Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So .... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'. The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic wand and ....... abracadabra ... Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. Men might be b@$tards, but Fairies are .................... Female! ;-) c x

Should I be in prison? Prison Vs. Work: Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer . . . IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called owners or managers. :-) c x

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did..... 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow, and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. 2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I prefer playing with men's balls.' 3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the young man behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts'. My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away out of the shop. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. 5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was onto him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, 'No.'I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any spare clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd had for years! 6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Please pass this on to someone you know, who needs a laugh. :-) c x

Lorry driver driving through Essex. Stops at a red light, and a car pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up to the door and knocks on his window. The lorry driver lowers the window and the woman says: 'Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry' The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and as the lights change he pulls away, only to get caught at the next set of lights, where the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower it and as if it never happened says: 'Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry' He again rolls his eyes and pulls away as the lights change..... once again he gets caught by the lights and he sees her running up once more. She again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again she comes out with: 'Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry' He says something rude under his breath and roars away from the lights shaking his head. He swears like mad as he sees the next set of lights turning red and the woman's car tearing up behind him. Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back to her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says: 'Hi, my name's Dave, and I'm driving a f**king gritter!!!' :-) C X

Why I Fired My Secretary. . . Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, 'Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!'. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday...let's go to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. 'Let's go!' We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' She said, 'Let's go to my apartment.' After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.' 'Sure!' I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked. :-) c x

Hi Little Ray Great jokes. A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says,' How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.' The doc said , 'I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, 'You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.' He whips down his pants and says, 'Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!'

Lol Anna, I'm glad you like em, didn't think anyone was reading them! c x

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.' 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.' :-) c x

OMG that is sooooooo funny!!!!! Am crying now. Anna

Superb! Love them all and especially Arthur's one!

Subject: FW: Paddy joke Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one Paddy's Day night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. 'B'jeesus' said Paddy 'Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is'. 'You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy' replied Shamus. 'Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see' said Paddy. 'You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy' replied Shamus. 'Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse' said Paddy. 'Right, I'll be doing dat' replied Shamus. 'And den ye put de flaps down straight away' said Paddy. 'Right, I'll be doing dat' replied Shamus. 'And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can' said Paddy 'Right, I'll be doing dat' replied Shamus. 'And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul' said Paddy. 'I be doing dat already' replied Shamus. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus 'Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life'. Shamus looked out the side window and replied 'Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is'. :-) c x

this is a true story that i think is funny a guy that worked at a enginering firm had a meeting in ireland so he goes to his boss and says 'look i dont mind going but i am scared of flying. i will take my car and pay for a ferry just don't make me fly.' the boss says 'look we need you there like yesterday you have to fly' after much disscusion the boss manages to convince the guy to fly. after getting on the plane the pilot says over the tannoy 'welcome on board (irish plane) flight to dublin my name is shamus and i am your pilot' the pilot powers up the plane and starts down the runway while our plane scared guy is praying like mad. the plane is just about to take off when suddenly the nose dips and the plane stops. over the tannoy comes 'sorry bout dat a red light came on the dashboard we're going to turn round an try agen' the plane scared guy left the seat in one hell of a mess

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Paddy on 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' Chris asks him the big question for £1 million. 'Paddy, for £1 million, who was the Great Train Robber? Was it;- A. Ronnie Barker? B. Ronnie O'Sullivan? C. Ronnie Corbett D. Ronnie Biggs? Paddy say's...'I'll take the money'. Chris reminds him that he still has his three life lines left. Paddy again say's....'I'll take the money'. 'You don't want to call a friend?' say's Chris. 'No, I'll take the money' says Paddy. 'Give him a round of applause' says Chris, and Paddy goes away with £500,000 'Before you go, I assume you want to know the correct answer' says Chris. Paddy says, 'No, I know the answer'. 'Are you mad?' asks Chris. 'I might be mad, but I'm not a grass'. :-) c x

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied 'I don't know, it all happened so fast.'

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own brand of condoms, but kept the same marketing slogans...? 1. Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better 2. Tesco Condoms - every little helps. 3. Nike Condoms - Just do it. 4. Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life. 5. Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk. 6. KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good. 7. Safeway condoms - Lightening the load. 8. Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough. 9. Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. 10. Duracell condoms - keep going and going. 11. Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop. 12. Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper. 13. Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide. 14. FCUK condoms - no comment required. 15. Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain. 16. Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile. 17. On-digital condoms - plug and play. 18. Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. 19. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long 20. Renault condoms - size really does matter! 21. Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin. 22. Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes. 23. Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim. 24. Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach. 25. Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world. 26. AA Condoms - the 4th emergency service. 27. Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal. 28. Polo condoms - the condom with the hole (VERY poor seller).

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from Her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.' Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them. ;-) c x

THREE DUCKS A man walked into a quite bar carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one tucked under his arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks, chatting to the ducks and with the bartender. You could see the surprise on the bartenders' face, but being experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they brought into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about thirty minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the toilet and he left the ducks on the bar. The bartender now alone with the ducks stood in awkward silence as they looked at each other and finally decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. 'So what's your name?', he asked the first duck, 'Huey, 'replied the first duck. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great, lovely day, had a real ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want', said the first duck. 'Oh! that's nice', says the bartender, who turned to the second duck, 'Hi! and what's your name?', says the bartender. 'Dewey', came the answer from the second duck 'So how's your day been?', he asked. 'Great, lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had another chance I'd do the same again!', said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'You must be Louie?' 'No', she said, 'My name is Puddles, and don't even ask what kind of day I've had!' :-) c x

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?' She replied, 'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.' 'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?' 'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' she responded. 'I mean,' he continued, 'What are your relations like?' 'I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.' He said, 'Do you have a real grudge?' 'No,' she replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.' 'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?' 'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.' 'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?' 'Yes,' she responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.' Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?' 'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!'