General Chat

Hi

I have a 20 year old son living at home (21 next month) After 5 years of sitting an home refusing to get a job I have now finally forced him to do so under threat of throwing him out. He has always refused to pay any board and keep as he said he never had enough dole. He is now into his second month working and I have asked him to contribute.

He says that because he is now out working 9 hours a day and pays for his own lunch (we drop him off and pick him up from work) he doesn't see why he should pay anything as he goes to his girl friends a couple of evenings a week (he doesn't stay overnight at her place).

Am I being unreasonable or is he really just taking the absolute micky out of me now.

He says he hates living at home but refuses to move out because its too much hassle for him. When I have offered to help him find a place and move out he says that I'm throwing him out and he makes me feel really guilty.

I need a sanity check!

Stick to your guns Esta,

He needs to learn there's no such thing a free lunch.

Have you looked to see if anything is wrote across your forehead?

}}}}}}}}
perhaps drive off without him and drive past him.......!

No "keep"? - then no washing, no ironing, no evening meal, no showers (hot water needs to be paid for) etc, etc.

Stand by your guns and good luck

xx

sounds to me he is taking the mickey out of you. tell him to arrange his own way to and from work and buy his own food [including snack etc ] himself . i did this with my daughter once after a simmilar arguement,she said it was just the kick she needed when she realised how pricey things could be, if your son is on low wages then i woukd suggest to arrange at a nominal amount of contributions. it is after all the principle of it i think personally, at the time our disagreement my daughter was on hairdressing training money [£50 WKLY]

Show him all your bills ie gas, electric,phone /internet/Sky,tv licence,home/contents insurance plus your car expenses including petrol. Then theres food toiletries soap powder etc etc etc.
Ask him if he would like to pay his share of them or pay it all in his own place lol

One of mine thought he was hard done by , I think at that time it was £80 a month. He moved out for a year and came back and said he now realised the cost of running a home.

They have to learn :))

Tell him if he had his own place, even though he was out at work and visiting his girl friend ,he would still have to pay the rent or mortgage plus all the other bills . he needs a reality check Why does he think he was persuaded to get a job ??

When i was at home i still had to pay my mum when i went on holiday for the same reason that it was still rent for the room etc

He is extracting the Michael, big time. Set your price, then he can take it or leave it

He's earning £1k a month with no outgoings other than smoking.

For goodness sake!! Sorry but he should be in his own place. Not living at home. He is an adult person and he is making use of you.

I know there is a trend for children to stay at home much longer these days but it inevitably causes friction within the family. Are you infirm, in need of his support to help you around the house. Didn't think so!!! Doesn't sound like it. Oh he is on easy street.

He need his own flat or to go share with a mate or friends. It may be at some time in his life a crisis might happen and he might need to temporarily return home. Note the word temporarily.

Out with him. Be firm, insistent and resolute.

And if you just can not throw him out he pays board. The one third rule is handy. Worked on exactly what he gets from the dole. One third board, one third in the bank and one third for himself.

Which ever way you choose stick to it and I thoroughly agree with the no pay no comforts of home, at all. Including access to showers, electricity, taxi service food, washing etc etc.

Put on your tin hat, grab your shield and your spear and go for it!!!

he wants his cake and eat it

I have a 20 year old son who I told when he finished college he had to sign on and I wanted £25 per week out of his dole afterall it is not paid for his enjoyment but to pay for his food, roof over his head, heat etc... Before his claim had been processed(2days) he started work as a labourer. He hated it but as he was working he had to give me £50 per week. He then found a part time job in a chippy which he loves but still gives me £50 per week. If he wants more money he works more hours. He now also te
ps as a receptionist and is hoping for an office position.

Every weekend he stays out with friend. He complained about paying me so I told him he is no longer a child and if he don't like it then find a flat.

I sat him down with the household bills Gas, electricity, water, community charge etc..... And made him add them
all up, he soon realized that staying at home paying me £50 wasn't that bad after all.

Also I stopped dropping him off and picking him up. He soon learnt to drive.

It has worked for me. It is really hard to stop helping your baby but by not making him stand on his own two feet you are not doing him any favours.

When I left school I had to pay Mum 25% of my monthly wage and she provided my packed lunch.

To be honest, if he is earning £1k per month net then he can certainly afford to pay for his keep. As others have said he will thank you in the end.

Hi Esta,
this boy needs to get out in the real world!!!
You definitely shouldn"t be feeling guilty, he should.
£1k a month and not paying his way is ridiculous and hes just taking you for a ride.
I don"t mean to offend but he needs to wise up,
Best wishes,
Cath

Mine thought i was hard on them at the time. Paying towards trainers etc or expensive things they wanted, they had to pay some out of paper round money etc,while some of their pals got the best of everything for nothing.

They learned how to handle money though,and now think i did the right thing.

Marion

i would buy the local paper give him the acommadtion section and say there you go get a flat see how you will manage.

Cath

I'm not offended by the comments - its what I've been thinking for quite a while. I've had the discussion with my son about moving out but my husband is dead against it. I've done a quick search on line where we live and he can move into a bed sit for around £50 so I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my other half thinks I'm being horrible.

I have said that my 'child' is effectively an adult who no longer wants to listen to us as his parents and therefore it is time he went out into the world and set his own rules and to have the freedom to fine his own way.

Good grief – he has had it easy!

If you can get him to sit down with you, perhaps you could show him adverts for rooms to let/flat share or similar, and the rent involved. Show him your council tax, energy and water bills, perhaps having already having calculated the monthly outgoings.

If you are good with figures, make an honest calculation of his share of the grocery shopping, and the equivalent cost of using a laundrette. Add in an average commercial cost for the taxi journeys you provide or public transport fares.

If he still won’t accept that he now has a responsibility, then give him written notice to quit and see how he copes with that!

edit - from the sound of your more recent posts, it seems as if you have very little support elsewhere. Sorry to hear that.

I am 25 and still live at home but I do pay my parents a contribution every month and help around the house. I have been doing this since I started working at 18.

I still live at home as I know I will not get a better deal anywhere else. I work for minimum wage and know how hard it would be to survive without my parents.

I pay them extra in the winter to cover the extra heat we use. I still listen to parents and respect their decisions and am more than willing to follow a few house rules like not making noise when I come in at night or 4am as it may be and no boyfriends staying the night.

If he's not willing to contribute it's time he moved out.

Yay!! You have the correct mind set. Well done. Rather unusual for the father to be against the son moving out of the home. It is very much usually the other way around. Does your husband rely on him for company. Can you enlist hubby's help in getting him set up in h is own place, and talking to about him about you visiting and helping him move in and having you both over for tea when he is settled in, and other ideas along those lines.