General Chat

"I'm not leaving without you Liz" said Jim. "On yer bike and don't show yourself in these parts again, especially in here, you're not wanted can't you see that or are you thick or something," answered Vern shaking at the knees. "I'm niether thick nor stupid" replied Jim. At this statement everyone laughed! "You've just proven it Jim MacDonald!" answered Blanche gleefully. An embarassed Jim turned to walk away, when.................

a voice shouted, Jim, he turned round and went from red face to white, oh my Gawd he cried Gloria, what are you doing here? looking for you you great twit,
who is gloria said Steve , the big buxum lady in question, drew herself up and said "only his wife!!"
with that Liz fell in a dead faint, Vernon fell on the floor laughing, Blanche had to run to the loo, Gloria was 6ft tall she had the most grotesque looking

hands, feet and throat.Dont think this woman was all woman Blanche was saying laughing.What was Jim doing had he not noticed

this "woman" was not all she seemed to be? Could he be that thick? Yes he could. He ran from the Rovers with Gloria in hot pursuit while Vernon tried to give Liz the kiss of life. She slowly regained consciousness and screamed - "What d'you think you're doing Vernon" she cried - "Trying to help you my sweet" he answered. Meanwhile Blanche hotfooted it back to Deirdre and Ken to fill them in on what had happened. Deirdre dashed in the back garden where she lit a fag and the veins in her neck went at full stretch. Ken put away the Daily Telegraph as he couldn't manage the crossword yet again and strolled up to the Rovers to see what was going on. The place had been totally trashed and Sean was standing there with that stupid look on his face wringing his hands and wondering what he should do next. Well for a start Ken said you could

stop blubbing,get a bucket and a shovel and pick all this glass up, Steve was in a state, and Vernon thought its a great chance to update the pub, but being a dipstick he hadnt the nounce to suss out his timing is wrong.get out of my face screamed Liz, whatever made me marry you! meanwhile michelle
who had been to the pics with Alec, came in and said

my God, I hope no one has messed with my hair dye!!! Alex looked as morose as ever so Steve fetched him one across the chops - something he'd wanted to do since he first met the moron. Michelle then went into hysterics so between her and Liz you couldn't hear yourself speak. Vernon realised he had made a major error and took himself off to the kebab shop till things quietened down. Sean was sweeping up the glass and blubbing into his fairisle tank top when he realised

Betty had gone into the kitchen hours ago to make some hotpots and had not been seen since - where was she????

Betty had sadly collapsed under a pile of chopped carrots - Sean wondered should he attempt the kiss of life but looking at Betty again he thought perhaps not, so he rushed and fetched Ken - the voice of reason. If only Martin Platt was still about to deal with all things medical. Ken dashed into the kitchen and immediately put Betty in the recovery position, removing the carrots as he worked but Liz walked in on the scene and presumed Ken was taking advantage of Betty and smashed him on the head with a saucepan. Now Ken was comatose as well as Betty - things couldn;t get much worse but hang on a minute, the

sign of sanity came into the pub in the form of Claire who took over and within a short time sanity was restored, however some changes had taken place , well if you get knocked out its bound to interfere with the mind,Ken came to and said Claire I want you,
oooo she cried , you have Deidre she said, who is Deirdre, she is your wife the one with a voice like sandpaper and a contiuous cry Mother!!
I dont know who you are talking about he said, but

I will take your word for it - even though you are a pretty girl in my eyes - just then Martin Platt walked into the pub - he had just heard through the grapevine that his son was in the nick and wanted to find Gail - he was furious that he had been kept in the dark re his son's problems and reckoned half of it was Gail's fault as she could never see wrong in David but just then

someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and who should he see but the 'woman' that Jim had left the pub with hours before. "Hi, my name's Dolores (sp) and I am an actress. My job is to help people like Jim and Liz become reunited by pretending to be 'married' to the estranged husband. Can I be of any help to you and Gail. Here's my business card. In the meantime, good luck with your investigations". In a flash she was gone and Martin went towards the bar, his hands shaking and pale of face, he ordered a pint.

but because the Rovers had been trashed by the brawl. The beer was off!!
Martin returned back to whence he came, not to be seen of for another 5 years.

Just then a suited man entered the pub. Im looking for a woman namd Liz. Come into the back said Liz. Im from the lottery agency, Im afraid we've made a grave error- you are not winning millions but £5000, we are very sorry. He handed Liz a cheque and disappeared quickly, just as a man from the brewery came in. That will do nicely he said, to pay for all the damage and the heirloom mirror!

Oh said Liz and went outside for a much deserved fag. Thought you'd stopped said Vern. Shut your face said Liz, so Vern did as he was told.

Meanwhile down the street at the corner shop

Dev who seems to have had a brain storm and not a good one at that, he decided he wanted a new image so had red streaks put i n his hair, took to wearing very tight pants,(not a pretty sight,) and even started chewing gum , which was a very silly thing to do as he couldnt control his teeth they were all over the place, Amber nearly collapsed when she saw him, what are you doing she yelled, Dev said

since Sinita left i have not had a woman.I am on the pull again.Just as he said that who should walk into the shop but.......

Norris dressed in Emilys frock and head scarf! Halooooooo crooned desparete Dev, where have you been all my life!

everyone fell about laughing at poor Norris,not knowing that he too was a victim of a head injury he really thought he was a woman, only Rita saw that something was wrong, come on Norris she said, let me take you home , are you my mother he said, with that remark it dawned on folk that something was very wrong,only silly Vernon never twigged it and was acting the goat until Liz

sat him down and explained in simple terms, that Norris was unwell.

Dev was finding it difficult to sit down in his tight jeans and was speaking in a high pitched voice.

Amber decided to take him in hand and give him a well deserved make over.

Dad, if you wanna pull the chicks then come with me I have some great ideas.

She took him to the flat upstairs and threw open Devs wardrobe doors.

Oh my God she said, I've got a job on my hands here. She searched in vain through Devs collection of clothes. He had flares, Oxford bags, skinny jeans and some very high waisted pair of trousers with braces. There were shirts with big collars, winged collars, ruffles, laced sleeves.

Dad, said Amber, I can feel a carboot sale coming on. We can make a fortune in vintage clobber.

So she threw a pair of Asda Jeans at her dad and a T shirt. Here put those on we're off to the Red Rec tommorrow and we have some major sorting to do first.

"Why the Red Rec, what are we going there for" demanded Dev. "You'll find out soon enough, in the meantime get sorting and I'll be back in an hour to see how you're getting on. There are six black sacks, I know that won't be enough, but it's a start and don't get sentimental about any of that stuff you call clothes" replied Amber. Dev took his favourite shirt from the hanger, and his mind drifted to the days when...............

as a single man and a real raver (in his mind) he first met Amber's mother - aaaaah he thought if only I